McLovin? What are you, an Icelandic pop star?
I didn't check to see when the last time I posted was, but let's assume it's been forever and a day and I absolutley suck for not even trying to keep up with what's going on in my life. Because you know what, there's kind of a lot going on and not enough ANNNNN (thanks, drunk guy in the ER who saw my name tag) to go around.
Being back in school has been fun, in a weird way. Going part time to once a week classes makes it a much more independant experience. I've found that I can procrastinate terribly and still do well in each course though, which is good for me and sad for Gannon. I like using my brain again, even if its for information I doubt I will ever use or sincerely care about. Pushing concerns about how much my student loan payments will ultimately be away for the time being, but even with tuition reimbursement, it'll be ridic (the hospital pays up to $350 for each course, if you get an A. Each of Gannon's courses is $2275). I don't know why I'm putting myself so far in debt for a Master's I won't use (yes I do, my damnable pride. "Why, yes, that is an MBA after my name. I work as hard as I play! I'm smart, look how many intials there are!"), when I would rather be working toward an M.S in my field, working toward being able to teach Med Tech students, or getting another degree entirely. Or just working at a different hospital.
There's really no reason to stay here, I don't know why I do, except fear of change.
Oh yeah, I got a boyfriend now. Who moved in after a month and has been a constant drain on my resources. I'm actually up at three in the morning because I can't sleep next to him without thinking, "I want to break up, I want to break up. I can't do this. I miss being alone, I miss having time to myself, I don't get half as much out of you as you do from me, I resent you being here, I hate myself for feeling sorry for you, you're kind of a scumbag and I wish I didn't love you", so, we're doomed. I should feel stranger about throwing that out there on the Internet I suppose, but at three in the morning, I don't care. He's not a bad person- he cleans and does chores and fixes things and is very affectionate and nice and loving- but it's not enough for me. What I resent about him, and how sick I am of myself when I'm around him, has eclipsed what I do feel. And I feel bad because he's going to be heartbroken, and because I have to wait to do it so I get paid back what he owes me. But. I don't want to take care of someone, and he needs and wants someone to do that. I don't want kids and he does. I don't need to be followed around like a puppy being told "I love you" every ten minutes, I hate cooking for two people, I hate having to share my car, I hate having to be his fucking mother and friend, when I have no interest in being either. Which in turn makes me feel selfish and strange. But that's how I'm feeling right now about it, and I don't know how to break up right now. I told myself a while ago I would give it a year. I can't.
I miss Andrew and the way our relationship was, too. Breaking up with Joe (the boyfriend in question) wouldn't change that; his job and family are stressful enough without my crawling back up his ass after a three month hiatus. Part of me is afraid of that too I think; that if I break up with Joe and things continue to stagnate with Andrew that for this first time in a long time I will be lonely and depressed, wondering how I let a catch like a pot smoking dishwasher get away.
Money wise things have been shitty too, and that's been the boyfriends fault. I catch myself thinking every night as I'm trying to sleep "if I had eight million dollars I would:" and how I would divy it up thereafter. Suddenly it's become obvious where my parents obsession with winning the lottery comes from; you get stuck in a place you don't intend to be and it seems like such a quick solution (and for all I know, it is).
Joe did turn me onto Lost, which has been fun watching season by season. I told Andrew I intended to write a list of Life Lessons as Applied by Lost but it would be much for fun with captions from the show here to accomadate said lesson. I've been bitching about the show since Season One too, because as enjoyable as it is to watch, it is horribly soapy, self-important, and lazily written in spots ("Sayid can do anything because he was in the National Guard! The IRAQII National Guard, which makes him like...MacGuyver and Shaft, if he was into breaking fingers!", "Kate's tearing down the rocks from the cave-in because she's LETTING DOWN THE WALLS IN HER HEART TO LET JACK IN!", "Hurley's fat because he eats all the time, like all fat people!", "Apparently they escaped the Others with no further incident because they're on the other side of the jungle now!"). Many of the episodes have moments that seem like they were ripped right out of ferverent fanfiction (Kate is forced to kiss Sawyer to get him to tell her if he has another survivors medication? And he gets tortured and beaten the entire episode? Yeah. Okay. That's not some closested guy sublimatling himself through Kate in any way), Kate and Sawyer hook up in the cages they're being kept in (nothing sexier then being videotaped by security cameras as you fuck in the pouring rain outside in an old polar bear habitat after eating fish buiscuits), people whine about Kate/Jack/Sayid/Hurley/Sawyer being the "band of adventurers that think they know everything" when there are "other people on the island", and that character, just introduced, dies splendidly (direct message to the shows critics? If so, cold!) Ana Lucia and Libby get shot at point blank range (come on, I bet everyone had fanction that started that way when the show was popular). Figuring out what to do with the characters each season was obviously getting tiresome for the writers- hell, by season three Michael has become a one-note dick screaming "They took my BOY!" every minute he's on screen, negating what decent characterization he has been given. Locke goes from being a badass to a whiny crybaby to one of the saddest figures on television I've seen. They time travel and open alternate, parallel universes, they meet a group of Others whom they learn not one fucking thing about the entrire season. Of course, Season Six, where I'm stopped and may not finish because I have a big fucking problem throwing in obvious Christian parables because the well of ideas has been completley tapped- took the show right off the rails. For me, I no longer care what happens, even if everything they've hinted at is explained in a satisfying and believable matter. Taking a creative show that combines character study and science fiction and hacking that away to make it about an epic good vs. evil showdown is trite. TRITE! HACKNEYED! OH WOW IS JACOB SUPPOSED TO BE JESUS? WHO'S GOING TO BE THE NEXT JESUS OF THE ISLAND YOU GUYS? WHO FUCKING CARES, PEOPLE HAVE TO KEEP BORROWING THE SAME DAMN STORY OVER AND OVER AGAIN BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO FUCKING UNORIGINAL TO DEVELOP IDEAS THAT HAVEN'T AROUND THE LAST TWO THOUSAND YEARS.
Alright, done ranting for now.
Being back in school has been fun, in a weird way. Going part time to once a week classes makes it a much more independant experience. I've found that I can procrastinate terribly and still do well in each course though, which is good for me and sad for Gannon. I like using my brain again, even if its for information I doubt I will ever use or sincerely care about. Pushing concerns about how much my student loan payments will ultimately be away for the time being, but even with tuition reimbursement, it'll be ridic (the hospital pays up to $350 for each course, if you get an A. Each of Gannon's courses is $2275). I don't know why I'm putting myself so far in debt for a Master's I won't use (yes I do, my damnable pride. "Why, yes, that is an MBA after my name. I work as hard as I play! I'm smart, look how many intials there are!"), when I would rather be working toward an M.S in my field, working toward being able to teach Med Tech students, or getting another degree entirely. Or just working at a different hospital.
There's really no reason to stay here, I don't know why I do, except fear of change.
Oh yeah, I got a boyfriend now. Who moved in after a month and has been a constant drain on my resources. I'm actually up at three in the morning because I can't sleep next to him without thinking, "I want to break up, I want to break up. I can't do this. I miss being alone, I miss having time to myself, I don't get half as much out of you as you do from me, I resent you being here, I hate myself for feeling sorry for you, you're kind of a scumbag and I wish I didn't love you", so, we're doomed. I should feel stranger about throwing that out there on the Internet I suppose, but at three in the morning, I don't care. He's not a bad person- he cleans and does chores and fixes things and is very affectionate and nice and loving- but it's not enough for me. What I resent about him, and how sick I am of myself when I'm around him, has eclipsed what I do feel. And I feel bad because he's going to be heartbroken, and because I have to wait to do it so I get paid back what he owes me. But. I don't want to take care of someone, and he needs and wants someone to do that. I don't want kids and he does. I don't need to be followed around like a puppy being told "I love you" every ten minutes, I hate cooking for two people, I hate having to share my car, I hate having to be his fucking mother and friend, when I have no interest in being either. Which in turn makes me feel selfish and strange. But that's how I'm feeling right now about it, and I don't know how to break up right now. I told myself a while ago I would give it a year. I can't.
I miss Andrew and the way our relationship was, too. Breaking up with Joe (the boyfriend in question) wouldn't change that; his job and family are stressful enough without my crawling back up his ass after a three month hiatus. Part of me is afraid of that too I think; that if I break up with Joe and things continue to stagnate with Andrew that for this first time in a long time I will be lonely and depressed, wondering how I let a catch like a pot smoking dishwasher get away.
Money wise things have been shitty too, and that's been the boyfriends fault. I catch myself thinking every night as I'm trying to sleep "if I had eight million dollars I would:" and how I would divy it up thereafter. Suddenly it's become obvious where my parents obsession with winning the lottery comes from; you get stuck in a place you don't intend to be and it seems like such a quick solution (and for all I know, it is).
Joe did turn me onto Lost, which has been fun watching season by season. I told Andrew I intended to write a list of Life Lessons as Applied by Lost but it would be much for fun with captions from the show here to accomadate said lesson. I've been bitching about the show since Season One too, because as enjoyable as it is to watch, it is horribly soapy, self-important, and lazily written in spots ("Sayid can do anything because he was in the National Guard! The IRAQII National Guard, which makes him like...MacGuyver and Shaft, if he was into breaking fingers!", "Kate's tearing down the rocks from the cave-in because she's LETTING DOWN THE WALLS IN HER HEART TO LET JACK IN!", "Hurley's fat because he eats all the time, like all fat people!", "Apparently they escaped the Others with no further incident because they're on the other side of the jungle now!"). Many of the episodes have moments that seem like they were ripped right out of ferverent fanfiction (Kate is forced to kiss Sawyer to get him to tell her if he has another survivors medication? And he gets tortured and beaten the entire episode? Yeah. Okay. That's not some closested guy sublimatling himself through Kate in any way), Kate and Sawyer hook up in the cages they're being kept in (nothing sexier then being videotaped by security cameras as you fuck in the pouring rain outside in an old polar bear habitat after eating fish buiscuits), people whine about Kate/Jack/Sayid/Hurley/Sawyer being the "band of adventurers that think they know everything" when there are "other people on the island", and that character, just introduced, dies splendidly (direct message to the shows critics? If so, cold!) Ana Lucia and Libby get shot at point blank range (come on, I bet everyone had fanction that started that way when the show was popular). Figuring out what to do with the characters each season was obviously getting tiresome for the writers- hell, by season three Michael has become a one-note dick screaming "They took my BOY!" every minute he's on screen, negating what decent characterization he has been given. Locke goes from being a badass to a whiny crybaby to one of the saddest figures on television I've seen. They time travel and open alternate, parallel universes, they meet a group of Others whom they learn not one fucking thing about the entrire season. Of course, Season Six, where I'm stopped and may not finish because I have a big fucking problem throwing in obvious Christian parables because the well of ideas has been completley tapped- took the show right off the rails. For me, I no longer care what happens, even if everything they've hinted at is explained in a satisfying and believable matter. Taking a creative show that combines character study and science fiction and hacking that away to make it about an epic good vs. evil showdown is trite. TRITE! HACKNEYED! OH WOW IS JACOB SUPPOSED TO BE JESUS? WHO'S GOING TO BE THE NEXT JESUS OF THE ISLAND YOU GUYS? WHO FUCKING CARES, PEOPLE HAVE TO KEEP BORROWING THE SAME DAMN STORY OVER AND OVER AGAIN BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO FUCKING UNORIGINAL TO DEVELOP IDEAS THAT HAVEN'T AROUND THE LAST TWO THOUSAND YEARS.
Alright, done ranting for now.