The better angels
There are two wonderful men that work at Life Time Fitness in Lakeville, and I want to take this time to give them both a shout-out.
The first is Dan Blustin. Dan has become someone very special to me... not quite a father figure, not exactly a role model (not for any reason of defect but because I don't have a proclivity towards idolizing men outside of the literary industry), but something very close to those things. He's an amazing person. He knows about my past as an addict and a stripper, and we have commonalities when it comes to those two aspects. Today, I told asked him if he's ever worked with anyone involved in The Emily Program because I've lately been strongly considering making that phone call for professional help. I said that I don't think I have the desire yet, and I want to see if I can beat this on my own, but I recognize my powerlessness, and in the case of my chemical addiction, it did take going to treatment. I hope this isn't the case with my eating disorder, and I said that I'd first like to try working with a nutritionist. Dan then pointed to Matt.
Matt Berri is a personal trainer, and he's got to be one of the nicest, most real dudes. He spoke to me for an hour about my eating disorder and said some very profound things. He asked me if I like being alive (not asking me to answer to him on this), to think about what I enjoy, and to realize that if I don't repair my relationship with food, I'm not going to be able to enjoy those things (or that one thing) anymore. I told him that I've gotten to the point where the thought of food doesn't do anything for me anymore, I don't crave food, and I eat only when I have to, taking little pleasure in it. He told me that I made myself think this way, and I can reverse it. I have to start thinking about food as fuel, and the reality is that, in starving myself, my body isn't only storing fat, it's actually creating fat. My brain is starting to shut down (true dat). He asked me what's the worst that could happen, and I said, matter of factly, that I'd get fat and disgusting and no one will love me. So he made an amazing deal with me, and I am very grateful. In with that deal, I'm going to start keeping a food journal again - focusing on what I'm eating and how/what I'm feeling. I'm optimistic.
The Emily Program is still on the table if it gets to that point, but right now, I feel like I'm taking steps in the correct direction, and I am getting help in a professional capacity from people I value. Now, don't be confused and think this means I'm going to stop losing weight; I'm just going to go about it in a healthy way. Besides, the route I'm going isn't doing what I want it to.
And I'm going to attempt to write a follow-up of sorts to this post on the subject of weight and fatness. I was going to write it in this post, but I feel that would take away from the point I'm making here, which is Dan Blustin and Matt Berri are lifesavers. Thanks, guys.
The first is Dan Blustin. Dan has become someone very special to me... not quite a father figure, not exactly a role model (not for any reason of defect but because I don't have a proclivity towards idolizing men outside of the literary industry), but something very close to those things. He's an amazing person. He knows about my past as an addict and a stripper, and we have commonalities when it comes to those two aspects. Today, I told asked him if he's ever worked with anyone involved in The Emily Program because I've lately been strongly considering making that phone call for professional help. I said that I don't think I have the desire yet, and I want to see if I can beat this on my own, but I recognize my powerlessness, and in the case of my chemical addiction, it did take going to treatment. I hope this isn't the case with my eating disorder, and I said that I'd first like to try working with a nutritionist. Dan then pointed to Matt.
Matt Berri is a personal trainer, and he's got to be one of the nicest, most real dudes. He spoke to me for an hour about my eating disorder and said some very profound things. He asked me if I like being alive (not asking me to answer to him on this), to think about what I enjoy, and to realize that if I don't repair my relationship with food, I'm not going to be able to enjoy those things (or that one thing) anymore. I told him that I've gotten to the point where the thought of food doesn't do anything for me anymore, I don't crave food, and I eat only when I have to, taking little pleasure in it. He told me that I made myself think this way, and I can reverse it. I have to start thinking about food as fuel, and the reality is that, in starving myself, my body isn't only storing fat, it's actually creating fat. My brain is starting to shut down (true dat). He asked me what's the worst that could happen, and I said, matter of factly, that I'd get fat and disgusting and no one will love me. So he made an amazing deal with me, and I am very grateful. In with that deal, I'm going to start keeping a food journal again - focusing on what I'm eating and how/what I'm feeling. I'm optimistic.
The Emily Program is still on the table if it gets to that point, but right now, I feel like I'm taking steps in the correct direction, and I am getting help in a professional capacity from people I value. Now, don't be confused and think this means I'm going to stop losing weight; I'm just going to go about it in a healthy way. Besides, the route I'm going isn't doing what I want it to.
And I'm going to attempt to write a follow-up of sorts to this post on the subject of weight and fatness. I was going to write it in this post, but I feel that would take away from the point I'm making here, which is Dan Blustin and Matt Berri are lifesavers. Thanks, guys.