The difference between sobriety and recovery
When I first heard the saying there's a difference between being sober and being in recovery, it didn't make sense to me. Weren't they the same thing? If you were sober, didn't that mean that you were in recovery from your addiction(s)?
A few months ago, I had 30 days of sobriety. I was depressed, lonely, suicidal, angry at God and the world, upset about having to go to AA meetings with people I didn't feel could relate to me (they were older men), and craving alcohol and cocaine, but I had 30 days of sobriety. All things considered, it wasn't really much of an accomplishment. It's no wonder that I relapsed... over and over again.
Yesterday, I celebrated 30 days of sobriety and recovery with a group of friends. I am a different person than I was 30 days ago... even 25 days ago when I entered inpatient treatment. I'm happy. I put my recovery first. I accept my feelings instead of discounting and disregarding them. I have a wonderful sponsor that inspires me and makes me work hard. I have great sober friends... the first genuine Real Life-based friends I've had in years, perhaps ever. With the help of counselors and my awesome psychologist, I'm coming to terms with my sexual assaults and traumas and understanding how shame continues to impact my relationships with others, and I'm beginning to understand that people treat me the way I've taught them to, and it's time for new behaviors and boundaries to ensure that the people I choose to let into my life are positive influences who respect me. What's perhaps the most rewarding is that I'm finally in a position to have an impact on people. I've learned how to make others laugh without resorting to insult comedy and self-deprecation. I stand in the front row of my new church and sing with the kind of passion that inspires others, and my friends have been encouraging me to eventually lead worship sessions. I'm interacting with the leaders of Celebrate Recovery (a Christ-centered 12-step program), leading portions of meetings, and am in talks to go to California for leadership training. My new sober friends turn to me for advice because despite having only a month of sobriety, I have an insight into their problems and the solutions (my top strength-based skill is restoration, after all). They've said that they love my art and writing, and they are encouraging me to write a book about my experience and continue to speak to groups about my recovery. Now I am preparing to give my testimony on June 13 at Peace Church in Eagan.
There is a striking difference between sobriety and recovery, between abstaining and working a program. It's not enough for me to just not drink or use drugs; my recovery impacts all aspects of my life. It's how I interact with others, how I behave at work, how I use "harmless things" like caffeine and Tylenol (it's all about intent).
Tonight, I should be receiving my 30 Days medallion from my sponsor in front of a group of more than 50 wonderful women, and I will tell them how I did it, how I got to be standing there in front of them with 30 days behind me and another 24 hours ahead of me. It's support and it's faith and it's believing in myself, that I deserve happiness and respect and a good life.
Here's to another day.
P.S. This isn't a full return to Live Journal..at least not yet. When I do make a full return to the WWW, it will probably be almost exclusively to my dot-com, which I am rebuilding. Yes, I did hide all of my entries on this journal other than my fan fiction. My original thought was to create a new journal under a new name, but I can't escape this online entity just as I can't escape myself. That being said, I know what my mistakes are, and I don't have to be constantly reminded of them, hence hiding the entries. I've forgiven myself for being an ass, and that's all I need to do.
Time to go do some gardening!
A few months ago, I had 30 days of sobriety. I was depressed, lonely, suicidal, angry at God and the world, upset about having to go to AA meetings with people I didn't feel could relate to me (they were older men), and craving alcohol and cocaine, but I had 30 days of sobriety. All things considered, it wasn't really much of an accomplishment. It's no wonder that I relapsed... over and over again.
Yesterday, I celebrated 30 days of sobriety and recovery with a group of friends. I am a different person than I was 30 days ago... even 25 days ago when I entered inpatient treatment. I'm happy. I put my recovery first. I accept my feelings instead of discounting and disregarding them. I have a wonderful sponsor that inspires me and makes me work hard. I have great sober friends... the first genuine Real Life-based friends I've had in years, perhaps ever. With the help of counselors and my awesome psychologist, I'm coming to terms with my sexual assaults and traumas and understanding how shame continues to impact my relationships with others, and I'm beginning to understand that people treat me the way I've taught them to, and it's time for new behaviors and boundaries to ensure that the people I choose to let into my life are positive influences who respect me. What's perhaps the most rewarding is that I'm finally in a position to have an impact on people. I've learned how to make others laugh without resorting to insult comedy and self-deprecation. I stand in the front row of my new church and sing with the kind of passion that inspires others, and my friends have been encouraging me to eventually lead worship sessions. I'm interacting with the leaders of Celebrate Recovery (a Christ-centered 12-step program), leading portions of meetings, and am in talks to go to California for leadership training. My new sober friends turn to me for advice because despite having only a month of sobriety, I have an insight into their problems and the solutions (my top strength-based skill is restoration, after all). They've said that they love my art and writing, and they are encouraging me to write a book about my experience and continue to speak to groups about my recovery. Now I am preparing to give my testimony on June 13 at Peace Church in Eagan.
There is a striking difference between sobriety and recovery, between abstaining and working a program. It's not enough for me to just not drink or use drugs; my recovery impacts all aspects of my life. It's how I interact with others, how I behave at work, how I use "harmless things" like caffeine and Tylenol (it's all about intent).
Tonight, I should be receiving my 30 Days medallion from my sponsor in front of a group of more than 50 wonderful women, and I will tell them how I did it, how I got to be standing there in front of them with 30 days behind me and another 24 hours ahead of me. It's support and it's faith and it's believing in myself, that I deserve happiness and respect and a good life.
Here's to another day.
P.S. This isn't a full return to Live Journal..at least not yet. When I do make a full return to the WWW, it will probably be almost exclusively to my dot-com, which I am rebuilding. Yes, I did hide all of my entries on this journal other than my fan fiction. My original thought was to create a new journal under a new name, but I can't escape this online entity just as I can't escape myself. That being said, I know what my mistakes are, and I don't have to be constantly reminded of them, hence hiding the entries. I've forgiven myself for being an ass, and that's all I need to do.
Time to go do some gardening!