There is no hope for my country, a POTC rant.

Apr 01, 2015 00:17

SO I read this:
http://blogs.disney.com/oh-my-disney/2015/03/31/10-questions-we-had-while-watching-pirates-of-the-caribbean-the-curse-of-the-black-pearl/?cmp=SMC|pir|natural|blgomd|OMDMarch|FB|questionspotc-POTC|InHouse|2015-03-31|||esocialmedia||

And it made me want to smack some heads together.

Let's go in order, shall we?

1) She's a 10-12 year old girl on a ship the size of a soccer pitch for 6 weeks, and you expect her to not learn a song that's probably as commonly sung away from the officers on that particular tub as "Uptown Funk" is played in shopping malls today? Not to mention you assume she'd never been on a ship before (when shipping was as common as air travel today for rich families) and boatmen/sailors were quite literally *everywhere* in major cities like London. I can remember snatches of song I've only heard once from the car in the next lane at a traffic signal, and I'm 33; I don't have nearly as many synapses connecting as even a 12 year old. Don't underestimate Elizabeth because you're a molasses-brained twit.

2) If the Governor found out Will made the sword, he'd be within his rights to pillory both Will and the blacksmith for defrauding him. He paid for a masterwork, not the next best thing (no matter how damn good it is) from the apprentice of a drunken sot that happens to wake up at the right moments. Will is well and truly fucked.

3) Bead-making developed independently in multiple cultures in the world many thousands of years ago. Shiny glass ones like the few he wears interspersed with the bone and clay and wooden beads were common trade goods as Britannia tried to take over the planet. Bone and wooden beads sailors often carved for themselves in what became known as the art of scrimshaw. So, put short, "Fucking anywhere, dumbass."

4) I'm guessing something like being born the third son of a family with some standing, so he developed ambition and wit to make up for the fact he wasn't particularly necessary as long as both elder brothers were alive? (Headcanon I know, but purchased military commissions were common for "extra" sons in rich families, and he's clearly been raised as a member of the gentry or minor nobility.)

5) That bed-warmer was rubbed around under the blankets for a few minutes to break the worst of the chill, not left overnight. Better question: It's the BLOODY CARIBBEAN, why the hell were they WARMING her sheets!?!? I've been to Aruba (further south, so colder) in the middle of March (one of their coldest months) and only needed a sheet and light blanket. We're supposed to buy that all those quilts and a bed warmer were *necessary*?

6) I think Mythbusters tried this and called it plausible over a short distance.

7) Macaws can live in excess of 80 years. There's no way of knowing how long Cotton had the macaw or where it lived before he ended up with it. That could have been a 50 year old bird Cotton inherited from someone independent of losing his tongue, but in my head canon the guy who was *really* at fault for whatever he was punished for taught the bird to talk for him to make amends.

8) Monkeys are assholes much of the time. I don't see an irrational hatred of one particular person he'd never met before being out of character for the species. Bonus, Jack has weird hair and an ostentatious hat and moves like he's been licking toads or weird mushrooms, which can spook just about any animal. And, please note, never once did the little beast fling poo or piss on anyone, so over all, it's a very well-behaved monkey.

9) Her hair is healthier than yours to begin with b/c she doesn't use shampoo and then try to rehydrate it with more drying chemical gunk from having too many natural oils stripped out.

10) Headcanon: he totally did it with King George's mistress/daughter/wife/all of the above. He's Captain Jack Sparrow, savvy?

Please tell me I'm not alone in knowing at least some of that stuff off the top of my head before ever watching the films? Are my countrymen really becoming that thick, or am I just a deeper level of nerd than I ever realized?
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