you are my sunshine, you are my soul: III
proud; proud of your love.
i guess the reason why it annoys me to no end whenever somebody asks me why i like kpop/jpop (or rather, they leave me feeling quite perplexed as i struggle to come up with a coherent answer. instead, i splutter and flail my arms around awkwardly with my mouth hanging open) is because sometimes reasoning can be complex and made up of a myriad of different things. it's like a spiders web, i could say-- "once you come in, you never get out". but how does that explain my taste in music? "i don't know, i just like how they sound" or "i'm tired of trashy american pop" are common excuses. but then people get real deep, and it's by asking the simplest questions in the world:
why do you like them? they're not even good looking. they're all so girly. you don't even understand what they're singing about. how can you love people you don't understand? what will they ever do for you?
it was when i was crying in the shower today (i swear, this is the first time this has happened, i have no idea what's going on!) that i finally kind of got an idea of why i hold my fandoms so close to my heart. it's kind of vague, and i'm sure there are layers and layers more to my reasoning why (we have to go deeper! there's no such thing as limbo here!), but for now, i guess i'm satisfied with this.
it seems that the people around me are never proud of me. they never appreciate my efforts, and always ask for more. even if they do express their pride once in awhile, even though they throw me a "good job" or a "i'm proud of you" or a pat on the back, their actions that follow these expressions always contradict their initial statements, and i'm always left in a state of trepidation. it's like a boomerang, once you send things off you're proud of how it glides effortlessly through the air, but then it starts coming back to you, and you start to panic, because of all the pressure that people are putting on you to catch it. "catch it", or "get better grades", or "be less lazy", or "why are you so incompetent", or "inconsiderate", or "selfish", or "stupid". if they're saying things like this in return, how do i know if they're telling the truth or not?
they may not realize it, but a lot of the time, the bad things outweigh the good by a ton...
and i want to tell them somehow, but whenever i try, i'm always laughed at, or i'm always afraid that i'll be laughed at, that i'll be mocked and ridiculed because she's only a kid, she doesn't understand.
but how do they understand
what i understand
when every
human
is
different....
?
and then we have our idols. the people who are always in the limelight, who have their eyes on thousands of others and vice versa. they will never know me. they will never love me intimately. i'm nothing special. and yet, they are my stars. my guiding light, my silver lining, the intricately decorated ceramic pillars that decorate the palace of my sanity.
because no matter what, even if the world turns its back on me, i will always know that although they may not love me, they appreciate me, that in one way or another they will always love me as a fan, as a supporter, because they've said so, because i believe them, because they will always be indebted to me in some way. That may be why i'm very intolerant when it comes to people who set out to make these people miserable. leave them alone.
the reason why i want you to?
it's selfish,
but they're all i have left...
i swear to you, i swear to god, to krisus, on all that is holy and right in the world, that no, i am not suffering from depression, nor am i feeling suicidal. no way, no way! life is too good to waste like that. i was given a gift. i'm going to do good with it.
it's just that
it's easy for me to be
lonely...
in the end, though, it's always harder voicing these opinions in real life. so i'm always left saying the same thing after turning the corners of my lips upwards a little, following up with a shrug. as if how i feel about these things are as casual as a tilting of the lips, a raise in my eyebrows. as if i don't feel as much for the people who say that they love me and kind of mean it, when really, they mean the world to me.
just, because.