Fine Print, for the letters challenge

[theladyrose]

Title: Fine Print
Author: theladyrose
Rating: G
Pairing: NS/IK, if you want to see it that way
Disclaimer: I lay no claim on our spy guys.
Archived: At my personal site, along with everything else I've written so far
Feedback: I'd love to hear what you have to say as I'm not quite satisfied with this piece but don't quite know what to do. If there are any

Comments

[aneuhaus]

I really liked the story line. I do think, though, that the narrative is a little disjointed, and sounds a bit impersonal, as though the narrator is telling someone else's story instead of one he has experienced. Sleep deprivation can do that (and other interesting things) to you, for sure. The ending is very sweet.

Oh, and you're welcome. Believe me, I am enjoying the benefits of it, too!

[azdak]

I like the narrator's impersonal, rather philosophical tone. I also think it's very much theladyrose's voice - if ever you participate in a round of Guess the Author, Rosie, I bet I can pick you out based on that alone.

I agree about the "disjointed" feel, though, and I think that comes partly from an overabundance of adverbs - you modify, and re-modify what you say to the point where it loses impact (if you like, I can e-mail you the points where I think pruning would help?)

I love the crossword clue; I think it's brilliant.

[theladyrose]

Thanks so much for the feedback - I've been told that I have a distinct way of saying things, but I didn't realize that it carried over into my attempts at writing fiction.

I'd greatly appreciate your suggestions about adverbs - I know I abuse them terribly (darn it, I'm doing it again!), but it's hard to break out of the cycle. My e-mail address is falling ice water @ hotmail.com without the spaces.

The crossword clue is my favorite part, too; it's amazing what switching the music you're listening to while writing can do! The musical suite I have from the movie, They Might Be Giants, has always been a favorite of mine.

[theladyrose]

Thanks so much for the feedback! I was having a lot of difficulty trying to figure out how "close" the narrator should be to the emotional action; honestly, it feels like this piece is made up of two vignettes that I probably shouldn't have joined. I think it's because the 1st part was my attempt at recycling an idea I had from a fic long abandoned that I was about to scrap.

[aneuhaus]

If you would ever like to have someone look over your stories before you post them, I am at your disposal. Feel free to call upon me anytime - even if it's just to bounce an idea off of someone. I do it to Azdak all the time - and I don't always listen to her, either!