reunion in belize . . .
today was exactly what i needed. somehow. i didn't know what i needed. but this was it.
i was afraid of disappointment. i think i almost expected to get confirmation that i've been wrong all this time. i was uncertain of what would happen. how, or if, the way that i've felt all this time would change. i worried that today would only add to my mixed up, messed up feelings about him.
i feel more certain. more confident confirmed.
everything slips away as soon as i am in his presence. everything is just . . . good. not brilliant or marvelous. just solid and good. exactly the way it should be. i haven't imagined things or blown things to be bigger than actually is. nothing has taken away from the challenges or fraustrations or confusions. but things are good.
i am more excited than ever for my next big adventure. it's going to happen. i'm going. and i'm going to see so many incredible things and visit with so many lovely people. and he's going to be a part of that. not all. but a part. and i know that part will be excellent. and i feel certain that it will not be awkward or strange or uncomfortable. it will be good. solid and good. and i look forward to it.
i realize that i must continue with making my own plans. i must continue with the things i want to do. but in that process, we will still be brought together again. somehow i just know this. at least, right now, i do. it's only the long periods of spearation that make me doubt this.
and so, i'm going to get this next job. i'm going to line up my backup. i'm going to look at other options. but i'm not going to ignore this instinct that tells me at one point or another, our paths will cross again. and that means something.
i was afraid of disappointment. i think i almost expected to get confirmation that i've been wrong all this time. i was uncertain of what would happen. how, or if, the way that i've felt all this time would change. i worried that today would only add to my mixed up, messed up feelings about him.
i feel more certain. more confident confirmed.
everything slips away as soon as i am in his presence. everything is just . . . good. not brilliant or marvelous. just solid and good. exactly the way it should be. i haven't imagined things or blown things to be bigger than actually is. nothing has taken away from the challenges or fraustrations or confusions. but things are good.
i am more excited than ever for my next big adventure. it's going to happen. i'm going. and i'm going to see so many incredible things and visit with so many lovely people. and he's going to be a part of that. not all. but a part. and i know that part will be excellent. and i feel certain that it will not be awkward or strange or uncomfortable. it will be good. solid and good. and i look forward to it.
i realize that i must continue with making my own plans. i must continue with the things i want to do. but in that process, we will still be brought together again. somehow i just know this. at least, right now, i do. it's only the long periods of spearation that make me doubt this.
and so, i'm going to get this next job. i'm going to line up my backup. i'm going to look at other options. but i'm not going to ignore this instinct that tells me at one point or another, our paths will cross again. and that means something.