Graduate Level~ Still at home
So I graduated from my undergraduate studies last year in August, a very happy moment for me. I then decided to take some time off since I had been in school for almost 10 years working on my different degrees. During that time I volunteered on the Obama Campaign and became politically educated on what was important for Obama to win as well as met up with former volunteers. It was a lot more stressful I think the second time around because there were less volunteers than 2008 and the economy had changed. Some of the old addresses we went to were now abandoned apartments or condemned buildings. But we really lucked out this election and he won. I was able to meet him and get a picture and autograph from him, he was very nice and charismatic, down to earth and laid back. Most of the time you wouldn't think that about certain politicians and some of the them you can defiantly tell that they are douche bags in disguise. Long story short, I met some interesting people who I have remained in contact with and others drift in and out but its still nice to hear from them from time to time. After I volunteered I decided to work on my graduate studies. No employment panned out from the Obama campaign but I felt more educated about what areas I did not want to work in, as far as the future in Political Science. So now I am in my graduate studies at Keller University under Devry University studying Public Administration. I am putting my focus in Non-Profit Organization taking a couple of business classes so I know how to effectively manage individuals as well as adapt to changes in a corporation and business. So far the technical side I am struggling to understand how to incorporate them in my discussion with my fellow classmates, but for my Human Resource class it comes out easily and I can connect with the class more. I have four projects due, two in each, where I have to dissect a business from top to bottom or bottom up and explain based on the theories of Organizational or Behavior changes a company goes through. For one class I have to compare and contrast similar businesses on their models of why they changed, they had to be publicly traded and have similar backgrounds to relate to real life changes. I have an idea of the type of country I want to explain how and why they had an Organizational Change due to external factors but I might try to challenge myself and talk about a company that is close to me but I have not shopped at.
As far as the family dynamics go, my grandmother has deteriorated right in front of my eyes. She has lost so much weight and its hard for my aunt to accept the way she looks. She has lost over 60 pounds in the last year, her skin color has changed from light to dark, and she had a severe case of psoriasis so she scratched majority of the top surface of her skin off which has left her with deep scars. My aunt took her to the doctors and they have informed her she only has 3% kidney function so time will only tell how long she has to live. In my mind my grandmother is in denial because she believes her kidneys are functioning fine because she uses the bathroom as much as she had before. She's not realizing that they are not doing their job by taking all the bad things out of her body but instead leaving them there. Its hard to explain things to her now, if you go against what she says she feels that you are being argumentative and dis-respectful even if she is wrong she feels that she is never wrong. My aunt is holding so much in that a lot of her family feels helpless to help her because she won't let them in enough. Both my cousins have tried to reach her but she avoids talking to them I think she uses her being busy as an excuse to escape. She's really not that busy anymore, physically she decided she could not teach anymore for health reasons and went on disability with the state. She had to switch out her life insurance and health insurance because she is no longer a teacher which cut her pay. So monthly she is losing out of 1100 dollars and that adds up at he end of the year. Since state laws have changed all the tax exempt products and receipts that she could claim on her taxes, now have to be taxed into her file, so no more extra money if there was anything to gain during the year. My uncle still has yet to become a U.S citizen and they have been married for almost 10 years. She has spent an x amount of money to get him his green card. I shake my head at all the bullshit that goes on with foreign governments and how someone can become one.
Me and my sister on the other hand feel trapped in this house. It has become a prison of lies and secrets. We are not allowed to tell people things or say certain things because my aunt wants to tell people on her own time and I just don't understand it. I don't understand her thinking and why she feels she has to hide things from her family. I understand about people she isn't close to but, when you start hiding things like financial hardships and foreclosures on your house that is serious. Especially from people who can really help you and give you direction on where to go. I look at the house from the inside and it looks like the walls are crying for help because they see the years of damage that has been done to it. The bone structure is slowly caving in and its screaming for something to help nourish it to health again. On the outside I can see the house breaking down all the things that needs to be fixed and refurbished. If my aunt ever thought about selling this house she would have to work from the outside in and update everything my uncle has torn apart which he thinks he has helped. I glance into my grandmothers room and the amount of clothes she has accumulated over the years now can't fit them because she has lost so much weight and at the same time the amount of papers she has hoarded through the years. Me and my sister found a church program dated back to 1997... yeah that was in my grandmothers dresser drawer. Not clothes or shirts but mounds and mounds of papers that she has kept over the years for various reasons she thinks she keeps for memories.
She doesn't sleep in her room anymore, now the couch downstairs is made up like a bed and she has started to accumulate a lot of junk in her corner which she feels she needs that much stuff as if her life is in order. My mom has started to come around since my aunt and her are on an agreement when she takes care of her mom she gets a bus pass and 20 bucks. I know that pisses off my aunt because she feels that mom should do it willingly without pay since that is her mother. But, for whatever reason my mother needs the money so that's another argument that they have every now and then. I think my aunt is more angry that my mom is involved whether it's for selfish reasons or not I think she feels that we could do it without her but I like having my mom around more often. Slowly I am starting to feel less stressed when she is here because I don't have to check too much on my grandmother and slowly I am starting to wonder why my mom left. I also am understanding how she felt probably when she was younger never feeling good enough living in this house. Its like a dynamite ready to go off, you do one thing and it pisses someone else off. You have an opinion and your looked as selfish or ungrateful, but if you are my aunt or grandmother its okay to voice how you feel and if you disagree with someone its within their rights to have an opinion and to constantly disagree with your opinion even if its your right to have an opinion. Sometimes for me its a constant struggle to stay happy and lie through my teeth to people when they ask me how I am doing. I want to scream to them that I am unhappy and I don't have a voice and not all glitter isn't gold. When will my life start and when will I have the freedom to do what I want when I want. But, all I do is keep my mouth shut hoping a praying one day I will get out and I won't have to pretend to be happy but I will finally be happy. I don't want to be viewed as being selfish or ungrateful for all things my aunt has done or the little sacrifices she has made towards my college graduation. But, I feel that if I ever were to tell her no, she would look at me as if I didn't have the right to or if I refused she would look at me as if I didn't care. I also feel like her husband is allowed to get away with murder.
Writing seems to be my only escape from my tragic adult life, I wake up hoping that tomorrow is going to be different knowing in reality I wake up to the same nightmare and the same sad depressed state. The only way out is to find some type of employment and hide my money and secretly move out. I'm afraid that if I tell my aunt how much I make once I get employed she would want half to help her with her bills every month and I feel that would set me back from leaving. Don't get me wrong I want to help my aunt and grandmother out as much as I can but, I financially have my own obligation to build back up my credit and pay back my loans. You can't have too many hands in the cookie jar if there is only a few cookies to satisfy a few. I don't want to live like my aunt being 45 years old and married with no children still living with my mother. Because she chose to live with her mom that's her chose but that would never be mine. I also don't want to get as old as my grandmother and be weak and physically unable to do simple task that everyone around me is able to do and I am angry and disappointed with the way that I am. So one way I have started the hope to recovery through exercising with my sister praying that as the years go by I get my years back that I have lost through the weight that I have gained. Well long story lots to tell and let out, hopefully it won't be a long time the next time we talk and I have to divulge myself in a journal and to many who I may never meet.
Til then....
As far as the family dynamics go, my grandmother has deteriorated right in front of my eyes. She has lost so much weight and its hard for my aunt to accept the way she looks. She has lost over 60 pounds in the last year, her skin color has changed from light to dark, and she had a severe case of psoriasis so she scratched majority of the top surface of her skin off which has left her with deep scars. My aunt took her to the doctors and they have informed her she only has 3% kidney function so time will only tell how long she has to live. In my mind my grandmother is in denial because she believes her kidneys are functioning fine because she uses the bathroom as much as she had before. She's not realizing that they are not doing their job by taking all the bad things out of her body but instead leaving them there. Its hard to explain things to her now, if you go against what she says she feels that you are being argumentative and dis-respectful even if she is wrong she feels that she is never wrong. My aunt is holding so much in that a lot of her family feels helpless to help her because she won't let them in enough. Both my cousins have tried to reach her but she avoids talking to them I think she uses her being busy as an excuse to escape. She's really not that busy anymore, physically she decided she could not teach anymore for health reasons and went on disability with the state. She had to switch out her life insurance and health insurance because she is no longer a teacher which cut her pay. So monthly she is losing out of 1100 dollars and that adds up at he end of the year. Since state laws have changed all the tax exempt products and receipts that she could claim on her taxes, now have to be taxed into her file, so no more extra money if there was anything to gain during the year. My uncle still has yet to become a U.S citizen and they have been married for almost 10 years. She has spent an x amount of money to get him his green card. I shake my head at all the bullshit that goes on with foreign governments and how someone can become one.
Me and my sister on the other hand feel trapped in this house. It has become a prison of lies and secrets. We are not allowed to tell people things or say certain things because my aunt wants to tell people on her own time and I just don't understand it. I don't understand her thinking and why she feels she has to hide things from her family. I understand about people she isn't close to but, when you start hiding things like financial hardships and foreclosures on your house that is serious. Especially from people who can really help you and give you direction on where to go. I look at the house from the inside and it looks like the walls are crying for help because they see the years of damage that has been done to it. The bone structure is slowly caving in and its screaming for something to help nourish it to health again. On the outside I can see the house breaking down all the things that needs to be fixed and refurbished. If my aunt ever thought about selling this house she would have to work from the outside in and update everything my uncle has torn apart which he thinks he has helped. I glance into my grandmothers room and the amount of clothes she has accumulated over the years now can't fit them because she has lost so much weight and at the same time the amount of papers she has hoarded through the years. Me and my sister found a church program dated back to 1997... yeah that was in my grandmothers dresser drawer. Not clothes or shirts but mounds and mounds of papers that she has kept over the years for various reasons she thinks she keeps for memories.
She doesn't sleep in her room anymore, now the couch downstairs is made up like a bed and she has started to accumulate a lot of junk in her corner which she feels she needs that much stuff as if her life is in order. My mom has started to come around since my aunt and her are on an agreement when she takes care of her mom she gets a bus pass and 20 bucks. I know that pisses off my aunt because she feels that mom should do it willingly without pay since that is her mother. But, for whatever reason my mother needs the money so that's another argument that they have every now and then. I think my aunt is more angry that my mom is involved whether it's for selfish reasons or not I think she feels that we could do it without her but I like having my mom around more often. Slowly I am starting to feel less stressed when she is here because I don't have to check too much on my grandmother and slowly I am starting to wonder why my mom left. I also am understanding how she felt probably when she was younger never feeling good enough living in this house. Its like a dynamite ready to go off, you do one thing and it pisses someone else off. You have an opinion and your looked as selfish or ungrateful, but if you are my aunt or grandmother its okay to voice how you feel and if you disagree with someone its within their rights to have an opinion and to constantly disagree with your opinion even if its your right to have an opinion. Sometimes for me its a constant struggle to stay happy and lie through my teeth to people when they ask me how I am doing. I want to scream to them that I am unhappy and I don't have a voice and not all glitter isn't gold. When will my life start and when will I have the freedom to do what I want when I want. But, all I do is keep my mouth shut hoping a praying one day I will get out and I won't have to pretend to be happy but I will finally be happy. I don't want to be viewed as being selfish or ungrateful for all things my aunt has done or the little sacrifices she has made towards my college graduation. But, I feel that if I ever were to tell her no, she would look at me as if I didn't have the right to or if I refused she would look at me as if I didn't care. I also feel like her husband is allowed to get away with murder.
Writing seems to be my only escape from my tragic adult life, I wake up hoping that tomorrow is going to be different knowing in reality I wake up to the same nightmare and the same sad depressed state. The only way out is to find some type of employment and hide my money and secretly move out. I'm afraid that if I tell my aunt how much I make once I get employed she would want half to help her with her bills every month and I feel that would set me back from leaving. Don't get me wrong I want to help my aunt and grandmother out as much as I can but, I financially have my own obligation to build back up my credit and pay back my loans. You can't have too many hands in the cookie jar if there is only a few cookies to satisfy a few. I don't want to live like my aunt being 45 years old and married with no children still living with my mother. Because she chose to live with her mom that's her chose but that would never be mine. I also don't want to get as old as my grandmother and be weak and physically unable to do simple task that everyone around me is able to do and I am angry and disappointed with the way that I am. So one way I have started the hope to recovery through exercising with my sister praying that as the years go by I get my years back that I have lost through the weight that I have gained. Well long story lots to tell and let out, hopefully it won't be a long time the next time we talk and I have to divulge myself in a journal and to many who I may never meet.
Til then....