Teenager. n.: (fem.) a bitch
Moody, moody, moody, that's all everyone says to me now. First update in a while, although no one really reads my LJ anyway. Apparently I've been too busy being moody/bitchy/emo. Which I suppose is true ne? I have been nothing but an emotional yo yo since school started (I love yo-yos. I haven't played with one in so long. Maybe that's why I'm bitchy...'cause I miss my toys.) Honestly though, I'm quite sick of it myself. I get really angry at a friend or my mom or someone else for amazingly stupid reasons. And when I look back on it, I wonder why on earth I did that. It wasn't necessary to yell at my mom for making me do the dishes--I do them all the time. I didn't even have homework that day. And it wasn't really necessary to bitch at David for *enter list of 57487857438725 things here*. Sure he does lots of things that really bother me but it's really his right to do them isn't it? I'm sure he's tired of it all too. I just have a hard time being surrounded by perfect people, by people who have perfect smiles stapled to their perfect faces or get perfect 4.8 GPAs or have perfect parents that'll let them live with them forever. I'm not perfect, and that's a very hard thing to pretend to be all the time. And then they call me "emo" or "angsty" because I won't tell them what's wrong. Why would I tell them what's wrong?! Would you try to explain to the richest person alive what it's like to be poor? The people I'm around everyday would never in all their years understand what's "wrong" if I did tell them. And it isn't like my life really is that bad. I'm happy...usually. I have really good days followed by really bad days but never anything in between. I've wished so many times this year that I went to a different school, but I wonder if I did would I really be any different. I don't want to be angsty. I'd rather be perfect, with my perfect friends and we could all be one perfect mess and no one would have to be sad or ditch half of english class. I don't want to be the one getting pissed off all the time or the one who bitches at everyone. And when I look back at all the things I get so upset over, I realize how worthless it is to cry over. I don't care if everyone's too busy to go outside, I don't care if I've failed my sensei, I don't care if my family labels me as the black sheep, I don't care if my boyfriend would rather be with one of my "perfect" friends, I don't care if I'm a terrible student but I'll cry, oh I'll cry over all of it over and over till I cry myself out, force it out of my head again and tell myself how much I really don't care. I don't want to be called an emo bitch anymore, I'm very sick of it, and it's so much easier to just not care. Oh yes, that's me, trying to desensitize myself to everyone so I won't get so hurt. Well I like to care. And I like my perfect friends and I like the moments where I can feel just fine and look back at the horrible, un-perfect part of me and stuff it far away someplace.