Musings about Eric's behavior
I think I may have actually figured out what's going on with him.
Eric and I not getting along is not a new thing. He and I have argued, and fought for years.
But not on the level that we have since my dad died. For the past year, he's just been awful, sinking to depths I've never thought him capable of. I'm surprised my dad hasn't risen up from his paint can of ashes just to whap him, I know he would not have tolerated what Eric has been doing.
I called some family friends last night. John's family are the only friends that pretty much have "family" status with us. My dad sponsored John's parents when they came over from Germany. So after calling relatives, they were the next ones I called. When Marie (John's wife) called me back last night and we discussed what Eric has been doing, she bemoaned "what *happened* to him?"
Good question, I thought. And I thought about it this morning. And thought. Eric's behavior has been downright abusive and controlling, to the point where the phrase "control freak" is perfectly appropriate. (That's why he wouldn't leave when I told him to; it had to be on *his* terms, not mine.) That sort of thing is frequently learned from parents/guardians, who act as role models.
And I can tell you, he sure as hell didn't learn to act like that from our parents. At one point a few months ago, Eric was bugging me, and one of the things he spat out was to call me a woman. In a tone that implied "woman" was somehow a demeaning thing to be. WTF? My mom heard him do that and remarked on it after he'd left. Even *she* was baffled by it. Both my parents were quite liberated when it came to the whole equal rights thing, so where the heck did that come from?
Did I mention the controlling behaviors? I won't list all the stuff he does...but that's what finally clicked with me. The need to exert control.
Back when Angel and I split up, I began to attack the chaos that was my living room. I'm not much of a housekeeper, (as those few of you who saw the house may remember), but I cleaned and purged and tidied until that living room was...a living room once more. And I knew exactly *why* I was doing it. A person can only stand to have so much chaos in their life before it's too much. And by golly, if I couldn't control the chaos that was now my personal life, I'd compensate by getting control over my living room. Hey, it was a productive outlet, right?
I think something similar is going on with Eric. I'm sure I don't know half of what is going on in his life, but the pieces I do know about...well they haven't been good. Much of it is the result of choices he's made, but still, it's not a fun ride.
He's been divorced, had a son diagnosed with developmental problems, lost his job, nearly lost Ana to a Lupus attack (in the fall of 2001), had to move several times (he was kicked out of here by my dad in the fall of 2001, and I think he's in his third apartment since then, having been evicted from one last December.) There have been financial difficulties; since losing his job in 2001, he hasn't been able to get another computer job; except for a 3 month contract, the only income he's had has been from the general contracting business he started. He consolidated his debt, kept sliding, finally filed for bankruptcy, and still can't seem to manage to stay on top of his bills, which included some pretty hefty child support payments. (Lottie, unlike me with Angel, does go after him for them.)
That's just the stuff I know about. Sound stressful? Chaotic? It does to me. Are some of them the result of choices he's made and continues to make? Yep. He doesn't want to take responsibility for them; he'd rather blame others for them.
But I've been confused about his behavior. Being broke is one thing, but it's not enough, on it's own, to account for what he's been doing. It's too big a change. Until today, when the whole control thing clicked.
He's responding to the chaos in his life by trying to control other things, and other people. But in a way that's *destructive*. And feeling bad about himself...he's responding by tearing other people around him down.
Understanding is not a solution, but it's darned important to forming one. Methinks some professional counseling is in order. He'll love that, since he wants to insist it's me who needs help.
Still need to get the turkey cooked.
Eric and I not getting along is not a new thing. He and I have argued, and fought for years.
But not on the level that we have since my dad died. For the past year, he's just been awful, sinking to depths I've never thought him capable of. I'm surprised my dad hasn't risen up from his paint can of ashes just to whap him, I know he would not have tolerated what Eric has been doing.
I called some family friends last night. John's family are the only friends that pretty much have "family" status with us. My dad sponsored John's parents when they came over from Germany. So after calling relatives, they were the next ones I called. When Marie (John's wife) called me back last night and we discussed what Eric has been doing, she bemoaned "what *happened* to him?"
Good question, I thought. And I thought about it this morning. And thought. Eric's behavior has been downright abusive and controlling, to the point where the phrase "control freak" is perfectly appropriate. (That's why he wouldn't leave when I told him to; it had to be on *his* terms, not mine.) That sort of thing is frequently learned from parents/guardians, who act as role models.
And I can tell you, he sure as hell didn't learn to act like that from our parents. At one point a few months ago, Eric was bugging me, and one of the things he spat out was to call me a woman. In a tone that implied "woman" was somehow a demeaning thing to be. WTF? My mom heard him do that and remarked on it after he'd left. Even *she* was baffled by it. Both my parents were quite liberated when it came to the whole equal rights thing, so where the heck did that come from?
Did I mention the controlling behaviors? I won't list all the stuff he does...but that's what finally clicked with me. The need to exert control.
Back when Angel and I split up, I began to attack the chaos that was my living room. I'm not much of a housekeeper, (as those few of you who saw the house may remember), but I cleaned and purged and tidied until that living room was...a living room once more. And I knew exactly *why* I was doing it. A person can only stand to have so much chaos in their life before it's too much. And by golly, if I couldn't control the chaos that was now my personal life, I'd compensate by getting control over my living room. Hey, it was a productive outlet, right?
I think something similar is going on with Eric. I'm sure I don't know half of what is going on in his life, but the pieces I do know about...well they haven't been good. Much of it is the result of choices he's made, but still, it's not a fun ride.
He's been divorced, had a son diagnosed with developmental problems, lost his job, nearly lost Ana to a Lupus attack (in the fall of 2001), had to move several times (he was kicked out of here by my dad in the fall of 2001, and I think he's in his third apartment since then, having been evicted from one last December.) There have been financial difficulties; since losing his job in 2001, he hasn't been able to get another computer job; except for a 3 month contract, the only income he's had has been from the general contracting business he started. He consolidated his debt, kept sliding, finally filed for bankruptcy, and still can't seem to manage to stay on top of his bills, which included some pretty hefty child support payments. (Lottie, unlike me with Angel, does go after him for them.)
That's just the stuff I know about. Sound stressful? Chaotic? It does to me. Are some of them the result of choices he's made and continues to make? Yep. He doesn't want to take responsibility for them; he'd rather blame others for them.
But I've been confused about his behavior. Being broke is one thing, but it's not enough, on it's own, to account for what he's been doing. It's too big a change. Until today, when the whole control thing clicked.
He's responding to the chaos in his life by trying to control other things, and other people. But in a way that's *destructive*. And feeling bad about himself...he's responding by tearing other people around him down.
Understanding is not a solution, but it's darned important to forming one. Methinks some professional counseling is in order. He'll love that, since he wants to insist it's me who needs help.
Still need to get the turkey cooked.