it's a time to change

[netrasauce]

alright so I wish that I hadn't let everyone know just how I feel all the time. I used to be so good at hiding it outside of my home. Now it seems like if someone ask's me how my day was I tell them my whole goddamned life story. Especially you, Goddamn the day I met you, you hurt me by telling me that riley had a hard life in a manner that conveyed I had no idea what a hard life was like, so I used my story of cruel self abuse to try to prove to you that I was very accustom to hardship. I later came to realize that although I understand what having a hard life is like I have never my-self had any real hardships to deal with. Still I ponder why I told you all that, it would have been safer and easier to just have never told you. Or at least I could have stoped while I was ahead, at least at the beginning it scared you enough to not dig deeper. It wasn't until later in our relationship, in which the whole situation just annoyed you becuase you came to realize that I was the illness and the cure. In truth you knew there was nothing scary or eye opening about any of my problems they were just sick. I was so good at pretending to be happy, I don't understand why I let that amazing talent wither away. I cry far to much in public, on the phone, alone....everywhere. I worry to much I make my friends worry and Like it or not I cause pity in my favor which just makes me even more angry and heated. I am too unhappy, it is time to put on that mask i doned for so long and keep it on till I am happy again. which should be in about six months or so. I have given up so many of my principles I think its time that I reverted back to the way things were. I will not show my fear to ANYONE and I will not share my pain with ANYONE but of cource my live journal.I will appear strong, confident, happy and accomplished. NO ONE and I mean no one will know how i really feel.. well ok there will be some exceptions but those will be few and right now I can think of only two students at ORME with who I would share my feeling but Probably only one of them will ever know whats really going on and thats because I could never hurt this person by sharing my feelings. Those two people are Kyle and Jamie. Those are my believes , those should be my core no more unhappiness.

haha it's sooo early/late in the morning it's like 2 am and I'm still awake what a bitch... I was told of the side effects oh well