I was cool in High School, What happend?
Let's face it, nobody wants to die, least of all me. Thankfully I have achieved the immortality of King of Being Late. Whereas if you are reading this you are probably not a Being Late king or any kind of king (excluding of course, "Kevin the Great," Snowball King) . My point is, the wolf of Oblivion will soon be lapping his Eternal Tongue at your door, and none of your pleading will save you from the hungering darkness.
On the bright side, there is a way for your name to live forever in the annals of legal history. It's called being a PRECEDENT, and if a no-name like Roe (not her real name) or that asshole Wade can do it, so can you!
It's easy. First, have something awful happen to you, like getting arrested without being read your rights, not being allowed to go to school due to your race, or picking up a cup of coffee that's a tad too hot. But-and this is important-you can't have one of those. They've already been precedented. "Is 'precedented' even a word?" you may ask. Well, it is now, Noah-fucking-Webster. I just precedented it.
So, not only must it be something awful, but it has to be UNIQUELY awful and constitutionally interesting. Then you're in business! As of this writing, gay marriage is very hot. Unfortunately for you, a slew of gays (and "slew" is the correct term for more then one homosexual) have a head start on that one, so just marrying a gay man probably won't cut it. You might have to marry two gay men. Or if polyhomolygamy's been done, make one of the gay men a transgendered monkey who's in a coma, and you want the right to pull the plug as one of his husbands... and heal it with prayer in our public schools.
Nobody said this was going to be easy. Think of yourself as a pioneer of suffering, and brace yourself for the excruciatingly slow turning of the wheels of justice. Remember: There were countless fugitive slaves, but only one - Dred Scott - had the patience to endure the vicissitudes of America's legal system. But it was all worth it when he made it to the highest court in the land and was told by the chief justice the he was a)wrong and b)not a man, but a piece of property.
His true reward, however, would come years later, after he was dead and it was of no use to him. For his case was a precedent, and today it is discussed by historians, memorized by high-school students, and joked about by assholes like myself.
Care to join him?
**Porter Rikens is the Chief Defender of International War Crimes at the World Court in the Hague. He is personally unpleasant.**
On the bright side, there is a way for your name to live forever in the annals of legal history. It's called being a PRECEDENT, and if a no-name like Roe (not her real name) or that asshole Wade can do it, so can you!
It's easy. First, have something awful happen to you, like getting arrested without being read your rights, not being allowed to go to school due to your race, or picking up a cup of coffee that's a tad too hot. But-and this is important-you can't have one of those. They've already been precedented. "Is 'precedented' even a word?" you may ask. Well, it is now, Noah-fucking-Webster. I just precedented it.
So, not only must it be something awful, but it has to be UNIQUELY awful and constitutionally interesting. Then you're in business! As of this writing, gay marriage is very hot. Unfortunately for you, a slew of gays (and "slew" is the correct term for more then one homosexual) have a head start on that one, so just marrying a gay man probably won't cut it. You might have to marry two gay men. Or if polyhomolygamy's been done, make one of the gay men a transgendered monkey who's in a coma, and you want the right to pull the plug as one of his husbands... and heal it with prayer in our public schools.
Nobody said this was going to be easy. Think of yourself as a pioneer of suffering, and brace yourself for the excruciatingly slow turning of the wheels of justice. Remember: There were countless fugitive slaves, but only one - Dred Scott - had the patience to endure the vicissitudes of America's legal system. But it was all worth it when he made it to the highest court in the land and was told by the chief justice the he was a)wrong and b)not a man, but a piece of property.
His true reward, however, would come years later, after he was dead and it was of no use to him. For his case was a precedent, and today it is discussed by historians, memorized by high-school students, and joked about by assholes like myself.
Care to join him?
**Porter Rikens is the Chief Defender of International War Crimes at the World Court in the Hague. He is personally unpleasant.**