Background: Garland was born to a very prominent Evil family, but he never really had the heart of true villainy in him. His parents' high expectations for him were met with more and more disappointment as he grew and continued failing to do anything really spectacularly evil. Not cut out for a really prestigious Evil University, Garland got a diploma from Barry's Correspondence School of Arch-Villainy, moved out, and got himself a nice lair in the Temple of Fiends, not far from Corneria.
Now free from the oppressive disappointment of his childhood, Garland swore to turn over a new leaf, aspiring to become a true arch-villain. Unfortunately, this step was somewhat delayed by the imps who lived in the forest round him, who tormented him endlessly, breaking windows in his lair and playing practical jokes on him until he was nearly mad. Eventually, Garland learned to just put up with the imps (getting rid of them was roughly impossible), and then somehow managed to actually succeed at doing something evil: He kidnapped Sara, the princess of Corneria.
Unfortunately, Garland was still getting the hang of the whole Villain thing, and kept running into trouble dealing with his natural tendency towards courtesy and being a good host. About the time he was serving Sara cookies in the guest dungeon, she started pointing out that he was really, really bad at his job. Not sure what else to do, Garland asked if she could help him become a little more properly evil. Feeling that if something's worth doing, it's worth doing right, Sara agreed.
Evil Princess Sara, complete with a new arch-villain costume, got to work bringing Garland's lair up to proper Evil standards, installing guard rooms and replacing motivational posters with giant, menacing portraits. Garland spent this time mostly either complaining about the new aesthetics, or coming up with plans to thwart the FOREST IMPS that were plaguing him so. Sara tried repeatedly to get him to give up on the imps, to little avail, until a new turn of events presented itself: the approach of the Light Warriors.
Using a series of cunning (read: boneheaded) traps, Sara effortlessly got all four of the Light Warriors trapped in the Guest Dungeon. Garland, good host that he was, introduced himself politely to the Warriors, offering to go get them their choice of refreshments from his kitchen. As he took their orders and left, the Light Warriors somehow managed to interpret his hospitality as a sign of his overpowering confidence in the difference in power between them. While he was off fetching their snacks, they came up with an elaborate plan to ambush him upon his return, which failed so spectacularly that he didn't even notice it happening.
Rapidly losing patience with her captor/apprentice's incompetence, she gave him a pre-prepared evil speech ("I, Garland, Destroyer of Souls, will be as an endless plague upon your lands") and send him back to the dungeon to greet his guests properly. Unfortunately for him, the FOREST IMPS were now on the prowl in the castle. While Garland wasn't looking, they switched out his prepared speech for a fake one, forcing him to improvise. The best he could come up with on the spot, though: "I, Garland, will knock you all down."
Sara demanded an explanation, and Garland explained by showing her the fake the imps had given him. However, right before he could show her, the imps switched back the original speech, making Garland look even dumber than he actually was. Taking command of the situation, Sara sent Garland to fill a pot with acide, and Sara tied up the light warriors (now including two others, White Mage and Black Belt), then hung them over the acid. The Light Warriors responded by valiantly bickering endlessly and incompetently, until Sara ordered Garland to drop them into the vat.
When they landed in the vat, the immediate reaction of the Light Warriors was less melting and more wondering why the acid was so sticky. As it so turns out, the FOREST IMPS had switched Garland's supplies of acid and mountain dew, saving their lives. Then, Black Belt, at White Mage's suggestion, beat the stuffing out of Garland, brutally and quickly. Thoroughly defeated, Garland was then abducted by the FOREST IMPS, who took him back to their forest lair and tormented him for many days, while Sara went back to being a traditional princess at the Castle.
His defeat having left him overflowing with evil determination, Garland set out for Pravoka to find some new evil comrades to help him get his revenge. There he met the pirate captain Bikke, who he hired to have his crew brutalize the rapidly approaching Light Warriors. Unfortunately, though, right before the Warriors reached the pirates for the climactic battle, all of the pirates succumbed to scurvy, leaving them about as menacing as kittens. Bikke and Garland retreated, and the pirate ship was stolen by the Light Warriors.
Now both looking for revenge, Bikke and Garland both moved on to Elfland, the next destination of the Light Warriors. Once there, they met the dark elf Drizz'l, who had also been savagely defeated by their rival group. The three of them joined forces to become the Dark Warriors, eternal enemies of the Light Warriors. Garland ostensibly somehow managed to maintain executive power over the group, despite Drizz'l being by far the smartest of the trio.
Once they got back to the Temple of Fiends, there was a letter waiting for Garland from King Steve of Corneria. He wanted to ask Garland to attack the castle, as a way to distract the public from the results of his disastrous and incompetent rule. Garland hatched a plan to sneak into Corneria Castle, and the three Dark Warriors got inside, where they were almost immediately caught by Princess Sara, who defeated all three of them within seconds. Having witnessed her competence and capacity for evil, Drizz'l asked Sara to join them as their new leader. Sara's response was to laugh uncontrollably for hours, before they gave up and went on their way.
Garland took this last defeat as a sign that he needed to confront the source of his constant bungles and trauma. So, he went to see a therapist. After a few sessions, the therapist had made one great breakthrough for Garland: He had gotten him to believe that there was no such thing as forest imps. Surprisingly, this was enough to get him actually motivated to take action again, and he instigated his new "Iron, yet Caring Fist" to conquer the world and rule over it brutally and courteously. The first step of this plan was the same as always: Get rid of the Light Warriors. Furthermore, he found the fourth member of the Dark Warriors: The LARPing vampire Vilbert.
The four Dark Warriors, now equalling the Light Warriors in numbers so as to be a proper Rival Team, needed a plan to defeat their enemies once and for all. Fortunately for them, the Light Warriors were in town, and needed a boat. Garland and his friends masqueraded as a pirate crew, and brought them onto a boat with them. From there, they executed a long sequence of completely unsuccessful plans to kill their victims, culminating in Garland summoning an Elder God from the depths to devour the boat. When he explained his plan to summon another Elder God to fight the first one and then escape in the confusion, his subordinates all started to try and usurp the position of Party leader. During all of this chaos, the Dark Warriors and the Light Warriors stopped for a moment to think about who was actually steering the boat. Around when they realized that the answer was Nobody, then boat crashed and sank.
The Dark Warriors washed up on an icy shore. Exploring a bit, they found a cave, wherein the Light Warriors were hanging from the ceiling, looking fairly dead. Drizz'l suggested that they should kill them a bit more just to make sure, but Garland insisted that a villain's job is to assume the hero died and walk away with confidence, so they left to go find civilization.
By the time they finally made their way back to a city, they spent a good amount of time recovering from their trek through the arctic wilderness. Then, they split up to figure out the situation of where they were. Drizz'l, Vilbert, and Bikke were all incompetent enough that they couldn't even get the name of the city they were in, but Garland was fortunate enough to pick a random person to talk to, and have it be Fighter. Furthermore, Fighter was naive and cheerful enough to give Garland a full list of all of the Light Warriors' weaknesses, a set of knowledge that would go completely unused for the rest of the story.
Around the time they got back to the Temple of Fiends, the other Dark Warriors decided to hold another meeting to discuss the plan to mutiny against Garland. Unfortunately, Bikke made the subtle tactical flaw of inviting Garland to cater the meeting. He agreed, serving tacos as the other three bickered over who would become the new leader. When Drizz'l asked why he would agree to cater a meeting discussing his own upheaval, he explained that there were amnesia peppers in the tacos. A few minutes later, the meeting had never happened.
Garland got another letter from King Steve, this time hiring the Dark Warriors as his personal accountants. Some time passed as they worked as accountaints under Princess Sara, before the Dark Warriors held yet another meeting to discuss the incredibly small amount of revenge that had actually been exacted on the Light warriors. This time, Drizz'l instated himself as the unofficial new leader of the Dark Warriors. Informing Sara of their resignation (although she had already fired them ages ago), he marched the group back to the Temple of Fiends. However, the Temple of Fiends wasn't at all the same as they had left it. It was larger, grander, and more sinister. Garland was quite perturbed by this, but Drizz'l dismissed it as the true nature of the building, and besides, he had bigger fish to fry - the Light Warriors were coming.
The Light Warriors marched into the Temple of Fiends and almost immediately started getting torn to pieces by dragons. At the greatest moment of peril for his allies, one of them, Black Mage, decided that he had had about enough of the whole Light Warrior business, and went to join the Dark Warriors. However, Garland argued that this was impossible, since they needed to both have four members or the Light Warriors would cease to exist, and thus so would the Dark Warriors. Black Mage suggested an alternate solution: Vote one of the Warriors out, and make them join the Light Warriors. The votes were cast, and Drizz'l was ejected from the Dark Warriors.
Black Mage, instating himself as the new leader of the Dark Warriors, took control of the Temple of Fiends, and started reshaping it to his will. The other three Dark Warriors started to complain about some of his changes, like the fact that he had four bedrooms and they had a collective zero. Before this senseless bickering could reach a conclusion, however, the Light Warriors finally found the Dark Warriors, ensuring some kind of ultimate final conflict. What happened, of course, was even more senseless bickering.
Around the time a third party of adventurers joined the argument, and everybody started voting to decide which team they were on, Garland was abducted by demons and ended up in the Netherworld.
Personality: Garland tries, he really tries to be Evil, but it's just not in him. He was brought up in an evil family, and thus had the idea that he had to grow up to be a good villain hammered into his mind, but he didn't retain much of what being a villain actually entails.
Garland is very friendly and polite, placing a great deal of importance on being a good host, even going as far as to serve food and drinks to people who he's trying to kill. He's almost a good person at heart - sure, he'll do evil things, like fighting the forces of Good and kidnapping princesses, but he doesn't see that as any particular reason to be cruel about it.
Garland loves to cook. He's always on the scene with some kind of new treat - brownies, tacos, you name it. He's proud of his cooking, and honestly enjoys it much more than actual villainy. This tends to get in the way of his acts of evil, a fact that he doesn't seem capable of catching on to. It's just natural to him to serve snacks to his victims.
A huge part of Garland's psyche is taken up by an unhealthy obsession with Forest Imps. They tormented him relentlessly for much of his early life, causing him to fear and despise them above all other creatures in the world. He'll frequently end up attributing things that happen to him to the evil machinations of Forest Imps, even when it doesn't make any sense. Fortunately, since his initial traumas, he has gotten therapy, suppressing his Imp-related feelings, leading to the somewhat denial-tastic claim that he doesn't believe that Forest Imps exist.
After therapy, Garland occasionally has sudden bursts of shredness and competence, such as using the amnesia peppers to stop a mutiny in the Dark Warriors. His ultimate goal is to rule the world with a "tough, but caring" fist, even if he's far too misguided to ever come even close to his dreams. Occasional competence aside, typically Garland is immensely incompetent. He gets very little done, doesn't think ahead more than one step, and any successes he achieves are usually due to either sheer luck or the incompetence of the Light Warriors.
Deposited Possessions: N/A, really. All he seems to own is the Temple of Fiends, which isn't portable; his armor, and a bunch of snacks.
Sample Entry: This is terrible! Not only have some kind of unimaginable forces of evil pulled me into a terrible hellscape, but they didn't even have the forethought to greet my properly!
And what's with this castle? The feng shui in these rooms is all wrong! I mean, sure, a decent decorator could turn this place around, but right now? Tacky.
Well, I'm not going to stand for this injustice! I've already begun my cruel, sinister revenge against our mysterious master. Just a minute ago, I found 50HL on the ground... and I'm going to keep it without asking who it belonged to. That's right, I've hardly been here an hour and I'm already resorting to petty theft!
Personal Journal: zebuloncrispi
Contact: AIM ZebulonCrispi
Character Name: Garland
Canon: 8-Bit Theatre
Age: 20s, maybe?
Background:
Garland was born to a very prominent Evil family, but he never really had the heart of true villainy in him. His parents' high expectations for him were met with more and more disappointment as he grew and continued failing to do anything really spectacularly evil. Not cut out for a really prestigious Evil University, Garland got a diploma from Barry's Correspondence School of Arch-Villainy, moved out, and got himself a nice lair in the Temple of Fiends, not far from Corneria.
Now free from the oppressive disappointment of his childhood, Garland swore to turn over a new leaf, aspiring to become a true arch-villain. Unfortunately, this step was somewhat delayed by the imps who lived in the forest round him, who tormented him endlessly, breaking windows in his lair and playing practical jokes on him until he was nearly mad. Eventually, Garland learned to just put up with the imps (getting rid of them was roughly impossible), and then somehow managed to actually succeed at doing something evil: He kidnapped Sara, the princess of Corneria.
Unfortunately, Garland was still getting the hang of the whole Villain thing, and kept running into trouble dealing with his natural tendency towards courtesy and being a good host. About the time he was serving Sara cookies in the guest dungeon, she started pointing out that he was really, really bad at his job. Not sure what else to do, Garland asked if she could help him become a little more properly evil. Feeling that if something's worth doing, it's worth doing right, Sara agreed.
Evil Princess Sara, complete with a new arch-villain costume, got to work bringing Garland's lair up to proper Evil standards, installing guard rooms and replacing motivational posters with giant, menacing portraits. Garland spent this time mostly either complaining about the new aesthetics, or coming up with plans to thwart the FOREST IMPS that were plaguing him so. Sara tried repeatedly to get him to give up on the imps, to little avail, until a new turn of events presented itself: the approach of the Light Warriors.
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Rapidly losing patience with her captor/apprentice's incompetence, she gave him a pre-prepared evil speech ("I, Garland, Destroyer of Souls, will be as an endless plague upon your lands") and send him back to the dungeon to greet his guests properly. Unfortunately for him, the FOREST IMPS were now on the prowl in the castle. While Garland wasn't looking, they switched out his prepared speech for a fake one, forcing him to improvise. The best he could come up with on the spot, though: "I, Garland, will knock you all down."
Sara demanded an explanation, and Garland explained by showing her the fake the imps had given him. However, right before he could show her, the imps switched back the original speech, making Garland look even dumber than he actually was. Taking command of the situation, Sara sent Garland to fill a pot with acide, and Sara tied up the light warriors (now including two others, White Mage and Black Belt), then hung them over the acid. The Light Warriors responded by valiantly bickering endlessly and incompetently, until Sara ordered Garland to drop them into the vat.
When they landed in the vat, the immediate reaction of the Light Warriors was less melting and more wondering why the acid was so sticky. As it so turns out, the FOREST IMPS had switched Garland's supplies of acid and mountain dew, saving their lives. Then, Black Belt, at White Mage's suggestion, beat the stuffing out of Garland, brutally and quickly. Thoroughly defeated, Garland was then abducted by the FOREST IMPS, who took him back to their forest lair and tormented him for many days, while Sara went back to being a traditional princess at the Castle.
His defeat having left him overflowing with evil determination, Garland set out for Pravoka to find some new evil comrades to help him get his revenge. There he met the pirate captain Bikke, who he hired to have his crew brutalize the rapidly approaching Light Warriors. Unfortunately, though, right before the Warriors reached the pirates for the climactic battle, all of the pirates succumbed to scurvy, leaving them about as menacing as kittens. Bikke and Garland retreated, and the pirate ship was stolen by the Light Warriors.
Now both looking for revenge, Bikke and Garland both moved on to Elfland, the next destination of the Light Warriors. Once there, they met the dark elf Drizz'l, who had also been savagely defeated by their rival group. The three of them joined forces to become the Dark Warriors, eternal enemies of the Light Warriors. Garland ostensibly somehow managed to maintain executive power over the group, despite Drizz'l being by far the smartest of the trio.
Once they got back to the Temple of Fiends, there was a letter waiting for Garland from King Steve of Corneria. He wanted to ask Garland to attack the castle, as a way to distract the public from the results of his disastrous and incompetent rule. Garland hatched a plan to sneak into Corneria Castle, and the three Dark Warriors got inside, where they were almost immediately caught by Princess Sara, who defeated all three of them within seconds. Having witnessed her competence and capacity for evil, Drizz'l asked Sara to join them as their new leader. Sara's response was to laugh uncontrollably for hours, before they gave up and went on their way.
Reply
The four Dark Warriors, now equalling the Light Warriors in numbers so as to be a proper Rival Team, needed a plan to defeat their enemies once and for all. Fortunately for them, the Light Warriors were in town, and needed a boat. Garland and his friends masqueraded as a pirate crew, and brought them onto a boat with them. From there, they executed a long sequence of completely unsuccessful plans to kill their victims, culminating in Garland summoning an Elder God from the depths to devour the boat. When he explained his plan to summon another Elder God to fight the first one and then escape in the confusion, his subordinates all started to try and usurp the position of Party leader. During all of this chaos, the Dark Warriors and the Light Warriors stopped for a moment to think about who was actually steering the boat. Around when they realized that the answer was Nobody, then boat crashed and sank.
The Dark Warriors washed up on an icy shore. Exploring a bit, they found a cave, wherein the Light Warriors were hanging from the ceiling, looking fairly dead. Drizz'l suggested that they should kill them a bit more just to make sure, but Garland insisted that a villain's job is to assume the hero died and walk away with confidence, so they left to go find civilization.
By the time they finally made their way back to a city, they spent a good amount of time recovering from their trek through the arctic wilderness. Then, they split up to figure out the situation of where they were. Drizz'l, Vilbert, and Bikke were all incompetent enough that they couldn't even get the name of the city they were in, but Garland was fortunate enough to pick a random person to talk to, and have it be Fighter. Furthermore, Fighter was naive and cheerful enough to give Garland a full list of all of the Light Warriors' weaknesses, a set of knowledge that would go completely unused for the rest of the story.
Around the time they got back to the Temple of Fiends, the other Dark Warriors decided to hold another meeting to discuss the plan to mutiny against Garland. Unfortunately, Bikke made the subtle tactical flaw of inviting Garland to cater the meeting. He agreed, serving tacos as the other three bickered over who would become the new leader. When Drizz'l asked why he would agree to cater a meeting discussing his own upheaval, he explained that there were amnesia peppers in the tacos. A few minutes later, the meeting had never happened.
Reply
The Light Warriors marched into the Temple of Fiends and almost immediately started getting torn to pieces by dragons. At the greatest moment of peril for his allies, one of them, Black Mage, decided that he had had about enough of the whole Light Warrior business, and went to join the Dark Warriors. However, Garland argued that this was impossible, since they needed to both have four members or the Light Warriors would cease to exist, and thus so would the Dark Warriors. Black Mage suggested an alternate solution: Vote one of the Warriors out, and make them join the Light Warriors. The votes were cast, and Drizz'l was ejected from the Dark Warriors.
Black Mage, instating himself as the new leader of the Dark Warriors, took control of the Temple of Fiends, and started reshaping it to his will. The other three Dark Warriors started to complain about some of his changes, like the fact that he had four bedrooms and they had a collective zero. Before this senseless bickering could reach a conclusion, however, the Light Warriors finally found the Dark Warriors, ensuring some kind of ultimate final conflict. What happened, of course, was even more senseless bickering.
Around the time a third party of adventurers joined the argument, and everybody started voting to decide which team they were on, Garland was abducted by demons and ended up in the Netherworld.
Reply
Garland tries, he really tries to be Evil, but it's just not in him. He was brought up in an evil family, and thus had the idea that he had to grow up to be a good villain hammered into his mind, but he didn't retain much of what being a villain actually entails.
Garland is very friendly and polite, placing a great deal of importance on being a good host, even going as far as to serve food and drinks to people who he's trying to kill. He's almost a good person at heart - sure, he'll do evil things, like fighting the forces of Good and kidnapping princesses, but he doesn't see that as any particular reason to be cruel about it.
Garland loves to cook. He's always on the scene with some kind of new treat - brownies, tacos, you name it. He's proud of his cooking, and honestly enjoys it much more than actual villainy. This tends to get in the way of his acts of evil, a fact that he doesn't seem capable of catching on to. It's just natural to him to serve snacks to his victims.
A huge part of Garland's psyche is taken up by an unhealthy obsession with Forest Imps. They tormented him relentlessly for much of his early life, causing him to fear and despise them above all other creatures in the world. He'll frequently end up attributing things that happen to him to the evil machinations of Forest Imps, even when it doesn't make any sense. Fortunately, since his initial traumas, he has gotten therapy, suppressing his Imp-related feelings, leading to the somewhat denial-tastic claim that he doesn't believe that Forest Imps exist.
After therapy, Garland occasionally has sudden bursts of shredness and competence, such as using the amnesia peppers to stop a mutiny in the Dark Warriors. His ultimate goal is to rule the world with a "tough, but caring" fist, even if he's far too misguided to ever come even close to his dreams. Occasional competence aside, typically Garland is immensely incompetent. He gets very little done, doesn't think ahead more than one step, and any successes he achieves are usually due to either sheer luck or the incompetence of the Light Warriors.
Reply
Deposited Possessions: N/A, really. All he seems to own is the Temple of Fiends, which isn't portable; his armor, and a bunch of snacks.
Sample Entry:
This is terrible! Not only have some kind of unimaginable forces of evil pulled me into a terrible hellscape, but they didn't even have the forethought to greet my properly!
And what's with this castle? The feng shui in these rooms is all wrong! I mean, sure, a decent decorator could turn this place around, but right now? Tacky.
Well, I'm not going to stand for this injustice! I've already begun my cruel, sinister revenge against our mysterious master. Just a minute ago, I found 50HL on the ground... and I'm going to keep it without asking who it belonged to. That's right, I've hardly been here an hour and I'm already resorting to petty theft!
Reply
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