Priorities
I've been thinking alot lately about priorities... of which this journal is not one. It's been 31 weeks since I updated....i was going to ignore the nudges... not that there were many...but i was never a big LJ contributor to start with
for the past 3 years of my life... everything i do has been called into question by someone close to me. It's not always the same person, and not always the same thing... but almost everything.
It feels alot like everyone is tryign to grab a piece of me for themselves, even if they don't particularly want it for any real reason. I'm i'm one place and not another, someone gets upset with me because of the choices i make...
I'm tired of it.
I can't go through life trying to make everyone else happy, I can'tbe everywhere at once. I can't be super man. I do what i do, because it's fulfilling... I do what i do because i make promises, that i try to keep as much as possible... Admittedly, sometimes i screw up, or just plain forget... and I'm genuinely sorry about it. If i can't fulfill an obligation that i have plenty of notice for, I try to give as much of a heads up as possible and try to make things work...it's all i can do.
My thoughts and ideas are hardly even considered in most cases, usually getting written off as "oh that's just Gus being Gus again"... it's not to say when i have a good idea it's disregarded without a second thought... but if I have an opposing opinion or point of view it's almost immediately taken as an insult or attack... Again, there is no one person... it's a multitude of people... I'm begginning to wonder if it IS jsut me... If maybe my eccentricities have me that far disconnected from the way people around me think, or if it's jsut the kind of people I've chosen to surround myself with, at which point i have to question my own judgement, and immediately question my lack of faith in my own judgement as well. Shouldn't i know what kind of people I prefer to Associate with the best?
All in all it's the uncertainty that has me most discontent... i hate NOT knowing.
I'm ready to give up trying to find a place to belong without expectation, or persecution. I find that every time i do something I'm overcome by absolutely overwhelming sense of trepidation, wondering who I'm going to piss off this time around... It was the whole reason I left HVD, but it's gone beyond that now. It's not just Markland. It's life in general. I can't deal with it anymore.
for the past 3 years of my life... everything i do has been called into question by someone close to me. It's not always the same person, and not always the same thing... but almost everything.
It feels alot like everyone is tryign to grab a piece of me for themselves, even if they don't particularly want it for any real reason. I'm i'm one place and not another, someone gets upset with me because of the choices i make...
I'm tired of it.
I can't go through life trying to make everyone else happy, I can'tbe everywhere at once. I can't be super man. I do what i do, because it's fulfilling... I do what i do because i make promises, that i try to keep as much as possible... Admittedly, sometimes i screw up, or just plain forget... and I'm genuinely sorry about it. If i can't fulfill an obligation that i have plenty of notice for, I try to give as much of a heads up as possible and try to make things work...it's all i can do.
My thoughts and ideas are hardly even considered in most cases, usually getting written off as "oh that's just Gus being Gus again"... it's not to say when i have a good idea it's disregarded without a second thought... but if I have an opposing opinion or point of view it's almost immediately taken as an insult or attack... Again, there is no one person... it's a multitude of people... I'm begginning to wonder if it IS jsut me... If maybe my eccentricities have me that far disconnected from the way people around me think, or if it's jsut the kind of people I've chosen to surround myself with, at which point i have to question my own judgement, and immediately question my lack of faith in my own judgement as well. Shouldn't i know what kind of people I prefer to Associate with the best?
All in all it's the uncertainty that has me most discontent... i hate NOT knowing.
I'm ready to give up trying to find a place to belong without expectation, or persecution. I find that every time i do something I'm overcome by absolutely overwhelming sense of trepidation, wondering who I'm going to piss off this time around... It was the whole reason I left HVD, but it's gone beyond that now. It's not just Markland. It's life in general. I can't deal with it anymore.