You do this to yourself
You tell them it’s over when you know it’s not. You tell yourself it’s over, even when at the back of your mind you doubt if it will ever be. You know it should have long been forgotten, buried within the depths of your heart and far from your mind, especially when there is hardly any time to reminisce, especially when there is hardly anything to reminisce.
It’s complicated, you tell yourself. Then you think that maybe it is not. It has a simple explanation, one that can surely cut you up, make you cry and make you let go. After all, how long can you hold a burning stone? It’s painful but it promises the fastest way. Perhaps the only way. But you are afraid to even consider, it is just too unfair and you don’t want to lose your ideas about fairy tale princes and their good, innocent hearts. Then you realize, after all the denials, that you have always known that princes and big bad wolves are pretty much the same and the real reason why you won’t consider is because you want to think you’re different and so much better. There is no simple explanation, you just tell yourself.
Sometimes when the laughter and the music has faded, when the lights have all gone out, you find yourself alone, playing Scenarios over and over again inside your head, like in a movie only the movie has been real once before. The movie ends quick, there is hardly any material to see, but you are the critic and you still talk about it even after the curtains close and you think that maybe the story should have been different. A lot different. You want to see a love story after all and not some poorly made tragedy that always gets your tears to fall. You know you shouldn’t be watching It but it has become an addiction, a bad habit that will probably take forever to get rid of. So you just continue playing It, watching It and inscribing It in your memory because you are afraid you might forget and life will never be the same.
You twist and turn and talk and pester the people around you, hoping they won’t judge you for the insanity you always end up in. You hope yet at the same time you know that they do judge you but you think it’s alright because you love them and they love you anyway. They’re tired, you’re tired. They hate It, Him, You, but when you are gushing and hopping with thoughts of It and Him and You, all they could do is force a smile while you pretend that you have no idea that they abhor Him so. So you tell them you love them because it is true and them knowing it might make them tolerate you for a bit longer.
You are insane. There are times when you think you are only fooling yourself into thinking that you want the insanity to end but in truth you are afraid of the dullness that could take its place. So what will happen next? You ask yourself. There is no answer because you do not know it and there is not a soul who does. Uncertainty scares you worse and being the coward that you are, you hold on. Insanity fits you after all.
And then there are times when you think it’s already too much and you try to pry your fingers off. You are not successful. You realize this because when you look at Him, you see It and your heart yearns for You, much to the chagrin of your worn out mind. There is just no chance for You and you know it but sometimes, somehow, you think the highs make all the lows worth it.
You are addicted. To Him and It and the thought of You. But unlike all your other addictions, you never get tired of this. It is not something you can get rid of because there is hardly enough of Him and It to satisfy you much more to make it cloying.
Even until now you still watch It like the movies, only the events seem different and you strain just to remember the details. You have forgotten most. The details are slipping away and you make a conscious effort not to retrieve them all. The feelings have long seeped out but you still smile about It sometimes. After all, the scenes and the script don’t really matter, as long as you are there and He is there you know it’s Yours and nobody can take it away.
He is gone and you’re fine. He comes back and your world topples without so much His effort.He looks at you and you look away because you fear He might see your secrets and because He might sweep you off again with barely just a grin. He is powerful that way. You are very vulnerable when you are with Him. His words and actions never fail to grate on your nerves but whenever He leaves, you find yourself thinking about them. You don’t believe anything that comes from His mouth yet you wonder how He has gotten to be so skillful and effective with His obvious lies, or perhaps you were just really stupid then. And you decide it’s both, you were just as foolish as He was good. Just as foolish now as He is still good.
You flinch every so often because of the awkwardness of your situation and you wonder if He feels the same. But He talks to you and even goes so far as touches you as if there has never been anything to feel awkward about. He does the thing He does, knowing full well (or perhaps not) that those are the same things that got you into this whole mess and He just smiles afterwards, warm and unapologetic, and you realize you’ve never had a chance from the beginning. Then you slump down on your bed, think and wonder if it will stop if He ceases to exist because now you realize that the only way you’ll get rid of the recurring thoughts is when He becomes another person altogether. You shrug, laugh and lie. And until He comes back, the denial will stay.
In the end you know there was and is no You. You doubt if there really was an It. But there is Him. You are certain there has always been Him.