Morbid entry
想留不能留才最寂寞﹐
沒說完溫柔 只剩離歌
心碎前一秒 用力的相擁抱沉默
用心跳送妳 辛酸離歌
These few days... my thoughts freak me. It all happened on last Friday...
Ms Maslinda :: "Vanessa, how do you do this question?"
Me :: " I don't know."
Ms Maslinda :: "You left that question blank?"
Me :: "Yes."
Ms Maslinda :: "Did you left this question blank or what?"
Me :: (Before I could reply.. she stood up from her seat and walk toward me. Then, she took my paper.)
Ms Maslinda :: "Wow! So many blanks, you sure you don't know how to do it?"
Me :: "Yes." ( That was a fact, I didn't do the most of the question because I simply don't understand the passage. )
Ms Maslinda :: "You did not do my homework, right?"
Me :: "No, I really don't know how!"
Ms Maslinda :: "Don't lie. Tell me the truth." *stares*
Me :: *exasperated* "I'm telling you the truth! I really don't know."
Ms Maslinda :: "Tell me the truth, Vanessa."
Me :: "I don't know how to do."
Ms Maslinda :: "Oh.. yeah right. Either you have no brains or you didn't you my homework."
Me :: "I have no brains."
Yeah, I told her that. What's the point of admitting something that ain't true? I really don't know. If I'm smart, I won't even be here. After hearing my reply, she threw my paper on the floor and said, "Then why bother to take the O levels? Don't pick up the paper. Now, go out!" Without hesitation, I walked out of the classroom.
For the two whole period, I stood there... feeling rather down. Yeah, I'm stupid, I'm useless. That was all that filled my mind. I couldn't help but blame myself. Why am I so stupid? What have I done to make my parents proud of me? I'm always making them upset over my results. For the past 17 years of my life, what good have I gave them? All I gave was pain and more pain. In the first place, why am I being born out to waste the world's resources and their investments on me?
You may thing that I'm making thing up.. but when I started to cry, the rain begun to fall. As I cried even more harder, it rain even more. Each time I tried to stop the tears, the rain was about to ceased. During that two periods of me having a very low-esteem. An idea struck me. "This is the third floor, the ledge is just in front of me, I'll just go jump and end my life" YES! I did intend to commit suicide. However... the thoughts of my parents stopped me. What if they knew I am dead? Will the pain in them hurts even more when I'm alive? Because of this, I started to cry again, and so does the sky.
After standing for two period, the English lesson has ended. Ms Maslinda walked out of the classroom.
Ms Maslinda :: "Vanessa, when are your prelims?
Me :: *looking down* .....
Ms Maslinda :: "When is it?
Me :: *still looking down, trying to stop the tears* ...
Ms Maslinda :: It's in September. And you O levels is at November. You have no more time to waste. Now, will I expect this kind of behavior to happen again in my class?"
Me :: ...
I did not reply her. I knew I would leave blanks if I don't know how to do. But then again, that will only happen in class but hardly during exams. Another reason I didn't reply her was because my mind is filled with "should-I-kill-myself-or-not?"
Ms Maslinda :: "Will I expect this kind of behavior to happen again, Vanessa?"
Me :: ....
Ms Maslinda :: "Vanessa, look at me."
Me :: .... *still looking down*
Ms Maslinda :: "I said, look at me."
Me :: *lift my head a little then look down again.*
Ms Maslinda :: "Look at me. Will I expect this kind of behavior or not?"
Me :: ...
Ms Maslinda :: " Fine, then from today, until I get a reply from you, you will stand outside the classroom." *walks away*
Blame me for being stubborn, blame me for being defiance. Blame me for everything! If I replied No, I know can't promise her that. I know I will leave blanks. If said yes, I'll be taken to the General Office to get scolded by the school's discipline committee.
Though I didn't got chase out of the classroom again, my morbid thoughts just wouldn't go away. Every time I passed by the corridors of floors 3 and 4, I would look down and cried a little. I am sick and tired of this debate going on my head on whether I should end my life or not. I know.. it sounds stupid. The ironic part was that I even looked down on people who kills themselves, I even said I won't do that... but... what happened now? Damn, I'm so sick of myself now.
The sicker part was that I even prepare a will for my parents and friend. Fuck, what was I thinking? I hate the way I'm behaving now, it's not me. What happened? I HATE MYSELF! I know once I voiced out, many people would give me comments or even advice or even scold me. Those... are only words. I realize that one could never realize the pain of others even though one tries to put oneself in the others shoe, they can only know the way others felt when one experienced it. For instances, I told XL about it. Although she was being nice by giving me advise, tried to talk me out of it... however, what help can does it make? Every kid knows that they have to be obedient, but how many can do it? Just like now, everyone knows suicidal is wrong, but why are there suicidal cases?
The only way I can free my thoughts depends on my choice. I'm trying my best not to think of them. but sadly, my school is a place of depression. Some may not feel that, but some do. Go ahead and mock me then. I'm just a lousy fellow.
走...彩虹那裡,
有沒有我... 新的天地...
苦笑...好過哭泣,
是聰明的英雄...會演戏...
沒說完溫柔 只剩離歌
心碎前一秒 用力的相擁抱沉默
用心跳送妳 辛酸離歌
These few days... my thoughts freak me. It all happened on last Friday...
Ms Maslinda :: "Vanessa, how do you do this question?"
Me :: " I don't know."
Ms Maslinda :: "You left that question blank?"
Me :: "Yes."
Ms Maslinda :: "Did you left this question blank or what?"
Me :: (Before I could reply.. she stood up from her seat and walk toward me. Then, she took my paper.)
Ms Maslinda :: "Wow! So many blanks, you sure you don't know how to do it?"
Me :: "Yes." ( That was a fact, I didn't do the most of the question because I simply don't understand the passage. )
Ms Maslinda :: "You did not do my homework, right?"
Me :: "No, I really don't know how!"
Ms Maslinda :: "Don't lie. Tell me the truth." *stares*
Me :: *exasperated* "I'm telling you the truth! I really don't know."
Ms Maslinda :: "Tell me the truth, Vanessa."
Me :: "I don't know how to do."
Ms Maslinda :: "Oh.. yeah right. Either you have no brains or you didn't you my homework."
Me :: "I have no brains."
Yeah, I told her that. What's the point of admitting something that ain't true? I really don't know. If I'm smart, I won't even be here. After hearing my reply, she threw my paper on the floor and said, "Then why bother to take the O levels? Don't pick up the paper. Now, go out!" Without hesitation, I walked out of the classroom.
For the two whole period, I stood there... feeling rather down. Yeah, I'm stupid, I'm useless. That was all that filled my mind. I couldn't help but blame myself. Why am I so stupid? What have I done to make my parents proud of me? I'm always making them upset over my results. For the past 17 years of my life, what good have I gave them? All I gave was pain and more pain. In the first place, why am I being born out to waste the world's resources and their investments on me?
You may thing that I'm making thing up.. but when I started to cry, the rain begun to fall. As I cried even more harder, it rain even more. Each time I tried to stop the tears, the rain was about to ceased. During that two periods of me having a very low-esteem. An idea struck me. "This is the third floor, the ledge is just in front of me, I'll just go jump and end my life" YES! I did intend to commit suicide. However... the thoughts of my parents stopped me. What if they knew I am dead? Will the pain in them hurts even more when I'm alive? Because of this, I started to cry again, and so does the sky.
After standing for two period, the English lesson has ended. Ms Maslinda walked out of the classroom.
Ms Maslinda :: "Vanessa, when are your prelims?
Me :: *looking down* .....
Ms Maslinda :: "When is it?
Me :: *still looking down, trying to stop the tears* ...
Ms Maslinda :: It's in September. And you O levels is at November. You have no more time to waste. Now, will I expect this kind of behavior to happen again in my class?"
Me :: ...
I did not reply her. I knew I would leave blanks if I don't know how to do. But then again, that will only happen in class but hardly during exams. Another reason I didn't reply her was because my mind is filled with "should-I-kill-myself-or-not?"
Ms Maslinda :: "Will I expect this kind of behavior to happen again, Vanessa?"
Me :: ....
Ms Maslinda :: "Vanessa, look at me."
Me :: .... *still looking down*
Ms Maslinda :: "I said, look at me."
Me :: *lift my head a little then look down again.*
Ms Maslinda :: "Look at me. Will I expect this kind of behavior or not?"
Me :: ...
Ms Maslinda :: " Fine, then from today, until I get a reply from you, you will stand outside the classroom." *walks away*
Blame me for being stubborn, blame me for being defiance. Blame me for everything! If I replied No, I know can't promise her that. I know I will leave blanks. If said yes, I'll be taken to the General Office to get scolded by the school's discipline committee.
Though I didn't got chase out of the classroom again, my morbid thoughts just wouldn't go away. Every time I passed by the corridors of floors 3 and 4, I would look down and cried a little. I am sick and tired of this debate going on my head on whether I should end my life or not. I know.. it sounds stupid. The ironic part was that I even looked down on people who kills themselves, I even said I won't do that... but... what happened now? Damn, I'm so sick of myself now.
The sicker part was that I even prepare a will for my parents and friend. Fuck, what was I thinking? I hate the way I'm behaving now, it's not me. What happened? I HATE MYSELF! I know once I voiced out, many people would give me comments or even advice or even scold me. Those... are only words. I realize that one could never realize the pain of others even though one tries to put oneself in the others shoe, they can only know the way others felt when one experienced it. For instances, I told XL about it. Although she was being nice by giving me advise, tried to talk me out of it... however, what help can does it make? Every kid knows that they have to be obedient, but how many can do it? Just like now, everyone knows suicidal is wrong, but why are there suicidal cases?
The only way I can free my thoughts depends on my choice. I'm trying my best not to think of them. but sadly, my school is a place of depression. Some may not feel that, but some do. Go ahead and mock me then. I'm just a lousy fellow.
走...彩虹那裡,
有沒有我... 新的天地...
苦笑...好過哭泣,
是聰明的英雄...會演戏...