Crows Zero - A review where everyone is gay
As most of you who are following me on tumblr already know, I fell ass over teakettle back into the abyss that is Japanese tv shows and movies.
Hahahaha, fuck me.
So anyway, ayawinner and I decided to watch "Crows Zero", a "Junggangsterdrama" (Wikpedia, please) by director Takashi Miike from 2007.
(I just found out that Takashi Miike also directed "Hara-Kiri" and "13 Assassins". This explains so much, you guys.)
The Plot - I am tempted to put this in quotation marks because it is THAT stupid
The story revolves around Takiya Genji (played by Oguri Shun whom I didn't like right up until I saw him with that undercut, his too short jacket and smoking a cigarette. Fuck. My. Life.)
"Das T-Shirt hat Mutti beim KIK gekauft oder er hats beim Türkenladen geklaut." - ayawinner thanks for existing as always.
He transfers to Suzuran High School, a school full of teenage boys who spend their entire time beating each other up without learning anything ever.
Ahh, I love the smell of Wanne-Eickel Industriegebiet in the morning
Just... just roll with it. I don't know why they are even calling this a school any more instead of 千男子悪臭ゴミ捨て場* aka "Garbage dump that reeks of a Thousand Teenage Boys" but Genji doesn't care apparently and tries to become the very best like no one ever was... I mean he wants to beat the current king of Suzuran High to become king of this trash place himself. * (to anyone who actually reads Japanese: ignore this, I was just having fun. You might say: aesthetic.)
"Genji please, love yourself."- "Nope sorry, I already wrote my name on this wall, gotta stay here now."
The current king is Serizawa Tamao (played by Yamada Takayuki and guess whose filmography I am going to work through next) who looks like this.
Terrifying delinquent, I know.
He is also fucking tiny, which is the most precious thing on this earth, right after Serizawa's horrible taste in shirts.
Oh my God, you guys, this is everything I ever wanted, look at these fucking losers. xD
Serizawa has a very nice and good looking friend, called Tatsukawa Tokio (Kiritani Kenta).
He is the only one with a brain and who says the nicest things about Genji whom he knows from middle school days:
As you do, with your best heterosexual friend
Genji now tries to befriend people, I mean he tries talking Serizawa into fighting him so he can become king, but Tokio is having none of that shit and tells Genji to go find his own friends, 'cause Serizawa is Tokio's friend thank you very much, now piss off, Genji.
Genji is at a loss, you guys. He doesn't know how to become friends with people, he just knows how to fight! But fear not, because for reasons of whacky totally crazy over the top yakuza plot, Genji gets himself a fanboy, who is determined to help Genji become friends with everybody, I mean fight people so he will be king.
AESTHETIC, SHE SCREAMED WHILE RIPPING OFF HER SHIRT AND GLUEING GLITTER TO HER EYES
This friend is Katagiri Ken, who once went to Suzuran High School himself. He is now with the yakuza but apparently that job isn't that time consuming as he can still write Genji a notebook on how to behave like a real gangster.
I was not kidding did you guys think I was kidding
So now Genji is running around school, trying to get the various gang leaders to join him. Some of these include:
Makise. He is loyal and has a very VERY uncomfortable romance subplot that I hate with a passion as it squicks me out so hard, but it ends with this
AND I SWEAR TO GOD THIS IS SUCH AN ADORABLE SCENCE CAUSE GENJI IS LAUGHING (AND PROBABLY BEING REALLY OUT OF CHARACTER XDD) AND THEY ARE BONDING OVER THIS REALLY TERRIBLE GROUP DATE THEY JUST RUINED TOGETHER AND THEN THEY ARE FRIENDS.
GENJI YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT AND I LOVE YOU
Another one of the gang leaders is Izaki.
I just went deaf from six million fangirls squealing under my window because Genji and Izaki go from this
To this
To this
AHAHHAHA SMOKING KINK WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT A SMOKING KINK I MIGHT HAVE ONE
and then they are friends and Izaki swears to follow Genji to the ends of the earth and teaches him darts (sadly not an euphemism, but actual darts) and this spawned like a bazillion doujinshis and fanfictions and the world is a lovely place don't you think.
Another group and the leaders of the new sophomores are Kirishima Hiromi (Daito Shunsuke aka actual walking talking breathing angel and one of the main reasons, I am bisexual and not lesbian), Honjo and Sugihara. Nobody will ever remember these names so have a nice handy chart.
When the whole squad is on point, really, and then along comes Heidi.
They are entirely useless for the plot but since this is my review and I love Daito Shunsuke's general existence, here have some more gifs:
Anyway. Now that Genji has a lot of friends, he is ready to beat Serizawa to a pulp.
But fiddlesticks! Someone forgot to invite the school's very own heterosexual biker gang! Now they are as wrathful as Maleficent back in the day and decide to kidnap some girls to get Genji's attention!
Well not some random girls, but Ruka, who shares a constant "it's complicated"-facebook status with Genji because Genji is a fucking idiot and Ruka is way too good for him anyway.
Since we now have to deal with ladies being in danger, the boys are all very much aware of how terribly they behaved and decide to hug it out.
Well, almost. Genji makes a valiant effort to hug Tokio but Serizawa is very much not in favor of that.
Very much not.
Holy fucking hell this is such a great shot I love everything this whole movie is so EPICALLY pretty.
So when the whole drama with the kidnapping is over (again guys, it squicks me out very much, so no pictures but nothing overly terrible happens), Serizawa and Genji are finally going to settle the matter of "Who is Tokio's best friend in the entire world?" by way of FIGHTING FOR LIKE HALF AN HOUR WITH THEIR RESPECTIVE GANGS HELPING THEM OF COURSE.
YOU GUYS. THIS IS FUCKING GREAT.
EVERYONE HAS FEELINGS. AND UMBRELLAS. SO MANY UMBRELLAS.
AND PRETTY PEOPLE ARE HITTING EACH OTHER IN THE FACE! MUD EVERYWHERE! TEENAGERS PUNCHING TEENAGERS (who look like midtwenties, shh, aesthetic okay) WHILE CRYING AND SCREAMING.
I AM SCREAMING TOO! MOSTLY IN UTTER CONFUSION BECAUSE "UH GUYS WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING? :DDDD"
So yeah. They are fighting, some people are winning and then the whacky crazy yakuza plot happens and in the end everyone is friends and being very pretty.
Boys. Not for nothing. But all this could have been solved with some kisses and a hug. I mean I love it when you are beating each other up but that's just me and my specific kink YOU GUYS ARE STILL YOUNG, STOP HITTING START KISSING EACH OTHER!?
What the fuck, Kiwi
Guys, I don't know. This is one of the best and most entertaining movies I have ever seen. I love the characters, I love the style (I think ayawinner and I used the word "aesthetic" about six thousand times while watching this), the sets are wonderful, the humor is AMAZING and the climax with the fight scene is one of the best filmed sequences in any film ever. There, I said it. FIGHT ME ON THIS. I swear the last time I was having SO MUCH FUN just watching a fight was in "The Raid"!
Look at this grandpa band in the local youth club, this is just so fantastic to watch (it starts one minute in, but before that, we see Genji and Serizawa meeting for the first time and already exchanging firey looks full of passion).
That school building look like something out of a fever dream, I love it so much.
And THEN THIS HERE WHICH MIGHT BE MY FAVOURITE PICTURE FROM THE WHOLE FILM:
JUST. WOW. CAN YOU GUYS LOOK ANY MORE ANIME. I FEEL THE NEED TO SING A DRAMATIC SONG ABOUT YOU.
Can I ship something here, asking for a friend
ARE YOU KIDDING ME HAVE YOU LOOKED AT ANY OF THE PICS I JUST KASJHFKSDH The shipping possibilities are friggin endless!!!
There is Izaki and Genji as mentioned above, I mean they are sharing a cigarette and there is a heart shape in there CAN YOU SEE IT but there is also Izaki and Hiromi going on, which absolutely feels like Hiromi having a hardcore unrequited crush on Izaki.
And yeah well, Izaki and his mixed signals aren't helping AT ALL. They are also middle school friends. Oh lord.
They have nothing against Serizawa and Tokio though. They call each other by their first names, Serizawa is super worried about Tokio and incredibly protective of him AND HE WOULD KILL FOR HIM.
I AM NOT KIDDING
"PARTNERS" MY ASS.
THEY. ARE. MARRIED. And it doesn't matter that Serizawa has horrible taste in clothes, Tokio is pretty enough for both of them.
I am also sorta fond of Tokio and Genji because they are apparently middle school best friends WHO WERE WATCHING THE SUNSET TOGETHER I MEAN CAN SOMEONE HOLD ME PLEASE I AM SORTA DYING OVER HERE.
THEN of course there is Serizawa and Genji which is SO PRECIOUS because Serizawa is really way too chill and funny for this little gangster running around ruining his well working business and both of them are just SO FUCKING PRECIOUS WHEN THEY ARE SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER
and the second movie, you guys, the second movie DELIVERS SO MUCH!! *__*
It's adorable how Serizawa already perfected his "chill dad look" in the second film
And since the Japanese entertainment industry knows exactly what a dirty fangirl like myself needs, here is a photobook full of pictures of that one "Serizawa and Genji should go to the beach and have lots of fun there!"-fanfiction you didn't know you needed until right now.
Also, this is how Genji prepares when he is about to fight Serizawa.
Boy excuse me, you are not in a fucking Herbal Essences commercial.
That's the moment when Serizawa fell for him and nobody will convince me otherwise (well, if you are saying that he fell for him the first time they ever saw each other then I will have no choice but to agree).
Conclusion?
Make no mistake, people, this movie's got its "FSK 18" rating and it's entirely justified. I skipped a whole lot of the yakuza stuff and all of Genji's daddy issues (because I don't care about those. I started caring in the second movie, though!) and some of that - as well as the treatment of the female characters - is really not my cup of tea.
But the rest - aka boys having way too many feels about friendship and fighting, the whole gritty atmosphere, the hilarious humor (I swear to God, the first scene with Serizawa is pure gold), the epic battle choreography and Oguri Shun sporting the nicest looking undercut of anyone ever - are so so worth it.
Watch it, people, you won't regret it (it's on youtube!). And then watch the second one. And then write me fic.
Bonus I:
For the like five people here who care about "Tumbling":
Seto Koji (Yuuta) was in a dorama called "Otomen". It doesn't matter what it's about right now, just watch the first three minutes of this episode and then I need someone who will carry my lifeless body to the funeral home cause I just died laughing.
As did Genji.
Bonus II:
Genji and Serizawa are both living happy lifes these days, as Hobo Dad and Soccer Mom. (Do you see why I had a hard time loving Oguri Shun).
Anyway, guys, I hope you had fun reading this and staring at wonderfully pretty people. I might do the second movie because it has Miura Haruma in the most useless role ever and THAT HAIR and because of this scene. This is actual dialogue. They are hugging after this. What a lovely trainwreck.
Hahahaha, fuck me.
So anyway, ayawinner and I decided to watch "Crows Zero", a "Junggangsterdrama" (Wikpedia, please) by director Takashi Miike from 2007.
(I just found out that Takashi Miike also directed "Hara-Kiri" and "13 Assassins". This explains so much, you guys.)
The Plot - I am tempted to put this in quotation marks because it is THAT stupid
The story revolves around Takiya Genji (played by Oguri Shun whom I didn't like right up until I saw him with that undercut, his too short jacket and smoking a cigarette. Fuck. My. Life.)
"Das T-Shirt hat Mutti beim KIK gekauft oder er hats beim Türkenladen geklaut." - ayawinner thanks for existing as always.
He transfers to Suzuran High School, a school full of teenage boys who spend their entire time beating each other up without learning anything ever.
Ahh, I love the smell of Wanne-Eickel Industriegebiet in the morning
Just... just roll with it. I don't know why they are even calling this a school any more instead of 千男子悪臭ゴミ捨て場* aka "Garbage dump that reeks of a Thousand Teenage Boys" but Genji doesn't care apparently and tries to become the very best like no one ever was... I mean he wants to beat the current king of Suzuran High to become king of this trash place himself. * (to anyone who actually reads Japanese: ignore this, I was just having fun. You might say: aesthetic.)
"Genji please, love yourself."- "Nope sorry, I already wrote my name on this wall, gotta stay here now."
The current king is Serizawa Tamao (played by Yamada Takayuki and guess whose filmography I am going to work through next) who looks like this.
Terrifying delinquent, I know.
He is also fucking tiny, which is the most precious thing on this earth, right after Serizawa's horrible taste in shirts.
Oh my God, you guys, this is everything I ever wanted, look at these fucking losers. xD
Serizawa has a very nice and good looking friend, called Tatsukawa Tokio (Kiritani Kenta).
He is the only one with a brain and who says the nicest things about Genji whom he knows from middle school days:
As you do, with your best heterosexual friend
Genji now tries to befriend people, I mean he tries talking Serizawa into fighting him so he can become king, but Tokio is having none of that shit and tells Genji to go find his own friends, 'cause Serizawa is Tokio's friend thank you very much, now piss off, Genji.
Genji is at a loss, you guys. He doesn't know how to become friends with people, he just knows how to fight! But fear not, because for reasons of whacky totally crazy over the top yakuza plot, Genji gets himself a fanboy, who is determined to help Genji become friends with everybody, I mean fight people so he will be king.
AESTHETIC, SHE SCREAMED WHILE RIPPING OFF HER SHIRT AND GLUEING GLITTER TO HER EYES
This friend is Katagiri Ken, who once went to Suzuran High School himself. He is now with the yakuza but apparently that job isn't that time consuming as he can still write Genji a notebook on how to behave like a real gangster.
I was not kidding did you guys think I was kidding
So now Genji is running around school, trying to get the various gang leaders to join him. Some of these include:
Makise. He is loyal and has a very VERY uncomfortable romance subplot that I hate with a passion as it squicks me out so hard, but it ends with this
AND I SWEAR TO GOD THIS IS SUCH AN ADORABLE SCENCE CAUSE GENJI IS LAUGHING (AND PROBABLY BEING REALLY OUT OF CHARACTER XDD) AND THEY ARE BONDING OVER THIS REALLY TERRIBLE GROUP DATE THEY JUST RUINED TOGETHER AND THEN THEY ARE FRIENDS.
GENJI YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT AND I LOVE YOU
Another one of the gang leaders is Izaki.
I just went deaf from six million fangirls squealing under my window because Genji and Izaki go from this
To this
To this
AHAHHAHA SMOKING KINK WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT A SMOKING KINK I MIGHT HAVE ONE
and then they are friends and Izaki swears to follow Genji to the ends of the earth and teaches him darts (sadly not an euphemism, but actual darts) and this spawned like a bazillion doujinshis and fanfictions and the world is a lovely place don't you think.
Another group and the leaders of the new sophomores are Kirishima Hiromi (Daito Shunsuke aka actual walking talking breathing angel and one of the main reasons, I am bisexual and not lesbian), Honjo and Sugihara. Nobody will ever remember these names so have a nice handy chart.
When the whole squad is on point, really, and then along comes Heidi.
They are entirely useless for the plot but since this is my review and I love Daito Shunsuke's general existence, here have some more gifs:
Anyway. Now that Genji has a lot of friends, he is ready to beat Serizawa to a pulp.
But fiddlesticks! Someone forgot to invite the school's very own heterosexual biker gang! Now they are as wrathful as Maleficent back in the day and decide to kidnap some girls to get Genji's attention!
Well not some random girls, but Ruka, who shares a constant "it's complicated"-facebook status with Genji because Genji is a fucking idiot and Ruka is way too good for him anyway.
Since we now have to deal with ladies being in danger, the boys are all very much aware of how terribly they behaved and decide to hug it out.
Well, almost. Genji makes a valiant effort to hug Tokio but Serizawa is very much not in favor of that.
Very much not.
Holy fucking hell this is such a great shot I love everything this whole movie is so EPICALLY pretty.
So when the whole drama with the kidnapping is over (again guys, it squicks me out very much, so no pictures but nothing overly terrible happens), Serizawa and Genji are finally going to settle the matter of "Who is Tokio's best friend in the entire world?" by way of FIGHTING FOR LIKE HALF AN HOUR WITH THEIR RESPECTIVE GANGS HELPING THEM OF COURSE.
YOU GUYS. THIS IS FUCKING GREAT.
EVERYONE HAS FEELINGS. AND UMBRELLAS. SO MANY UMBRELLAS.
AND PRETTY PEOPLE ARE HITTING EACH OTHER IN THE FACE! MUD EVERYWHERE! TEENAGERS PUNCHING TEENAGERS (who look like midtwenties, shh, aesthetic okay) WHILE CRYING AND SCREAMING.
I AM SCREAMING TOO! MOSTLY IN UTTER CONFUSION BECAUSE "UH GUYS WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING? :DDDD"
So yeah. They are fighting, some people are winning and then the whacky crazy yakuza plot happens and in the end everyone is friends and being very pretty.
Boys. Not for nothing. But all this could have been solved with some kisses and a hug. I mean I love it when you are beating each other up but that's just me and my specific kink YOU GUYS ARE STILL YOUNG, STOP HITTING START KISSING EACH OTHER!?
What the fuck, Kiwi
Guys, I don't know. This is one of the best and most entertaining movies I have ever seen. I love the characters, I love the style (I think ayawinner and I used the word "aesthetic" about six thousand times while watching this), the sets are wonderful, the humor is AMAZING and the climax with the fight scene is one of the best filmed sequences in any film ever. There, I said it. FIGHT ME ON THIS. I swear the last time I was having SO MUCH FUN just watching a fight was in "The Raid"!
Look at this grandpa band in the local youth club, this is just so fantastic to watch (it starts one minute in, but before that, we see Genji and Serizawa meeting for the first time and already exchanging firey looks full of passion).
Click to viewThat school building look like something out of a fever dream, I love it so much.
And THEN THIS HERE WHICH MIGHT BE MY FAVOURITE PICTURE FROM THE WHOLE FILM:
JUST. WOW. CAN YOU GUYS LOOK ANY MORE ANIME. I FEEL THE NEED TO SING A DRAMATIC SONG ABOUT YOU.
Can I ship something here, asking for a friend
ARE YOU KIDDING ME HAVE YOU LOOKED AT ANY OF THE PICS I JUST KASJHFKSDH The shipping possibilities are friggin endless!!!
There is Izaki and Genji as mentioned above, I mean they are sharing a cigarette and there is a heart shape in there CAN YOU SEE IT but there is also Izaki and Hiromi going on, which absolutely feels like Hiromi having a hardcore unrequited crush on Izaki.
And yeah well, Izaki and his mixed signals aren't helping AT ALL. They are also middle school friends. Oh lord.
They have nothing against Serizawa and Tokio though. They call each other by their first names, Serizawa is super worried about Tokio and incredibly protective of him AND HE WOULD KILL FOR HIM.
I AM NOT KIDDING
"PARTNERS" MY ASS.
THEY. ARE. MARRIED. And it doesn't matter that Serizawa has horrible taste in clothes, Tokio is pretty enough for both of them.
I am also sorta fond of Tokio and Genji because they are apparently middle school best friends WHO WERE WATCHING THE SUNSET TOGETHER I MEAN CAN SOMEONE HOLD ME PLEASE I AM SORTA DYING OVER HERE.
THEN of course there is Serizawa and Genji which is SO PRECIOUS because Serizawa is really way too chill and funny for this little gangster running around ruining his well working business and both of them are just SO FUCKING PRECIOUS WHEN THEY ARE SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER
and the second movie, you guys, the second movie DELIVERS SO MUCH!! *__*
It's adorable how Serizawa already perfected his "chill dad look" in the second film
And since the Japanese entertainment industry knows exactly what a dirty fangirl like myself needs, here is a photobook full of pictures of that one "Serizawa and Genji should go to the beach and have lots of fun there!"-fanfiction you didn't know you needed until right now.
Also, this is how Genji prepares when he is about to fight Serizawa.
Boy excuse me, you are not in a fucking Herbal Essences commercial.
That's the moment when Serizawa fell for him and nobody will convince me otherwise (well, if you are saying that he fell for him the first time they ever saw each other then I will have no choice but to agree).
Conclusion?
Make no mistake, people, this movie's got its "FSK 18" rating and it's entirely justified. I skipped a whole lot of the yakuza stuff and all of Genji's daddy issues (because I don't care about those. I started caring in the second movie, though!) and some of that - as well as the treatment of the female characters - is really not my cup of tea.
But the rest - aka boys having way too many feels about friendship and fighting, the whole gritty atmosphere, the hilarious humor (I swear to God, the first scene with Serizawa is pure gold), the epic battle choreography and Oguri Shun sporting the nicest looking undercut of anyone ever - are so so worth it.
Watch it, people, you won't regret it (it's on youtube!). And then watch the second one. And then write me fic.
Bonus I:
For the like five people here who care about "Tumbling":
Seto Koji (Yuuta) was in a dorama called "Otomen". It doesn't matter what it's about right now, just watch the first three minutes of this episode and then I need someone who will carry my lifeless body to the funeral home cause I just died laughing.
As did Genji.
Bonus II:
Genji and Serizawa are both living happy lifes these days, as Hobo Dad and Soccer Mom. (Do you see why I had a hard time loving Oguri Shun).
Anyway, guys, I hope you had fun reading this and staring at wonderfully pretty people. I might do the second movie because it has Miura Haruma in the most useless role ever and THAT HAIR and because of this scene. This is actual dialogue. They are hugging after this. What a lovely trainwreck.
