*Turn me on to the frequencies of your love...
In reading other entries in this journal; and knowing my life now, it's impossible not to see how much my life has changed. Everything seems to be in a never ending state of change. It seems the only thing somewhat of a constant in my life is my consistent disappointment with myself. I'm continously catching myself looking back in confusion, unable to comprehend myself and my actions.
Thankfully though, I won't let myself live this way. I have too much respect for myself to let myself continue in something inevitably ending in unhappiness.
I figured it out though...the reason for the unhappiness in some of my more recent situations. I was settling. Settling for something less that what I wanted and less than what I KNOW I deserve, which is why I realized I'm unwilling to fully settle. I only thought of and gave a chance to settling because having some interest was better than nothing at all, and with my terrible level of self-esteem, I almost had myself convinced that this could be my only chance.
There weren't any butterflies. Never any exceptional level of excitement. Any miniscule amount of excitement can only be attributed to the fact that it was different, not genuinely exciting or stimulating toward any emotion.
I was sitting in applebees with Jill the other afternoon and Jill got up to go to the restroom. I was sitting by myself, so I was trying to keep busy. I reached for my bag to get my phone, and as I looked to grab it, I noticed this gorgeous guy at the table next to ours just staring at me as if he were waiting for me to look back at him. We made eye contact for what had seemed to be a long period of time, in reality, only about 2 seconds, but THAT was more excitement, more butterflies and nervous feelings than I've felt with...ANYONE.
As far as I'm concerned, there's no hope for any sort of relationship when there's no excitement....so there isn't much sorrow in the loss of a lack of relationship, only sorrow in the loss of the morals and time I wasted.
Now, I don't know if this needs clarifying, but since we are all human, and it is our human nature to jump to conclusions and to think we have some right and place in judging those around us, I WILL clarify to some extent. The sacrifices I've made include NOT the normal sacrifices girls make for boys. I simply regret giving away my level of innocence. Literally, the innocence I contained, being completely naiive and ignorant to the foolish world of relationships and their "benefits."
Simply stated: I wish I'd saved my kisses and cuddles for the one deemed worthy of them by my Father.
I guess the moral of the story is to never sacrifice who you are...letting yourself believe that it's your only chance. If anything involves sacrificing who you are and what you believe, it's not worth your time, and it's not YOUR chance, it's simply an opportunity for failure and unhappiness.
Save yourself for the things that don't compromise YOU, the things truly meant for you.
Hey girl you're valuable
Can't wait to see your heart full
I know you got it going on
So please girl disregard the lie
Of the one track mind of the trashcan guy
He's not that chivalrous
Your blemishes aren't blemishes at all
Find a way to bring YOU back to YOU again
Thankfully though, I won't let myself live this way. I have too much respect for myself to let myself continue in something inevitably ending in unhappiness.
I figured it out though...the reason for the unhappiness in some of my more recent situations. I was settling. Settling for something less that what I wanted and less than what I KNOW I deserve, which is why I realized I'm unwilling to fully settle. I only thought of and gave a chance to settling because having some interest was better than nothing at all, and with my terrible level of self-esteem, I almost had myself convinced that this could be my only chance.
There weren't any butterflies. Never any exceptional level of excitement. Any miniscule amount of excitement can only be attributed to the fact that it was different, not genuinely exciting or stimulating toward any emotion.
I was sitting in applebees with Jill the other afternoon and Jill got up to go to the restroom. I was sitting by myself, so I was trying to keep busy. I reached for my bag to get my phone, and as I looked to grab it, I noticed this gorgeous guy at the table next to ours just staring at me as if he were waiting for me to look back at him. We made eye contact for what had seemed to be a long period of time, in reality, only about 2 seconds, but THAT was more excitement, more butterflies and nervous feelings than I've felt with...ANYONE.
As far as I'm concerned, there's no hope for any sort of relationship when there's no excitement....so there isn't much sorrow in the loss of a lack of relationship, only sorrow in the loss of the morals and time I wasted.
Now, I don't know if this needs clarifying, but since we are all human, and it is our human nature to jump to conclusions and to think we have some right and place in judging those around us, I WILL clarify to some extent. The sacrifices I've made include NOT the normal sacrifices girls make for boys. I simply regret giving away my level of innocence. Literally, the innocence I contained, being completely naiive and ignorant to the foolish world of relationships and their "benefits."
Simply stated: I wish I'd saved my kisses and cuddles for the one deemed worthy of them by my Father.
I guess the moral of the story is to never sacrifice who you are...letting yourself believe that it's your only chance. If anything involves sacrificing who you are and what you believe, it's not worth your time, and it's not YOUR chance, it's simply an opportunity for failure and unhappiness.
Save yourself for the things that don't compromise YOU, the things truly meant for you.
Hey girl you're valuable
Can't wait to see your heart full
I know you got it going on
So please girl disregard the lie
Of the one track mind of the trashcan guy
He's not that chivalrous
Your blemishes aren't blemishes at all
Find a way to bring YOU back to YOU again