Cats...I watched it so you don't have to
Ok, you could close your eyes and pick any website on the internet, and it's going to tell you how freaking bad "Cats" was. So I'm going to skip over coming up with metaphors more profound than "Pile of steaming excrement". BUT much needs to be said.
"Cats" is weird af. I have no idea why this was ever a musical, or why it ran as long as it did. Because the "plot" is cats introducing themselves for 2 hours. And the movie, to its credit, follows this form, but just...makes it so much worse and creepier.
The first thing that bothered me was the scale. HOW BIG WERE THESE CATS???? The opening scene is Victoria (the white cat) being abandoned in a bag by her owner, which seems really...out of place. Who would buy a fancy expensive white cat, name it something bougie, and then put it in a bag and throw it out of town??? And there is absolutely no telling how big any of these fucking cats were. In some scenes, there are bikes that are HUGE. In others, there are cats tap dancing on railway tracks to ...control the trains? And so obviously were pretty large to take up a whole railway? But then the next scene the cats are like, only slightly bigger than the mice and roaches that...shimmied? (ALSO the vermin had human faces that stared at me while they did choreographed synchronized dances someone help me)
So Victoria gets out of the bag and is immediately jumped on and sung at by rando cats who ask if she is a Jellicle cat. No one ever explains what this means, even in the legit musical, we just all let it happen. The cats DO explain that ONE cat gets chosen to be reborn into a new life tonight, and they all want this. So...it's a kitty cult? And they are excited for a Chosen One to...be killed? Spoiler alert: getting "reborn' equals flying over town in an inexplicable hot air balloon? I guess the "Jellicle Choice" goes into Heaven? Or flies until the balloon pops and then uses up one of her lives when she dies?
But I'm getting ahead of myself, which is hard to do since there really is zero plot. The first cat that sings about herself is Jennyanydots, played by a waaaaaay to creepily sexual Rebel Wilson. The first moment we see her she is spreading her legs for us and scratching her um, lady parts. (I'm not gonna use the word p**** here, it's way too easy, I'm a serious blogess) ;)
Taking a sidebar. Some girl cats have boobs, some don't. The boy cats get clothes...well, some of them do. All the chicks are nekkid. Who decided this?A movie about pets should really not be making me this uncomfortable.
Back into it. Next we meet Rum Tum Tugger, who, like most of the cats, has no point. James Cordon's cat is just there to make you really uncomfortable about his weird Thanksgiving turkey looking body. But both these cats seem pretty happy with their lives, not really sure why they want to ascend to the giant litter box in the sky.
McCavity is the bad guy cat, and he has some form of magical powers because...ok, that cant' be the only thing you're questioning here, the writers don't have to explain themselves to you. What they DO need to explain to me is why McCavity, a literal CAT, is also a PIMP and a KIDNAPPER. (No, I'm not gonna do it, I'm not gonna call him a catnapper. Leave me some dignity here). But yes, he literally TELEPORTS AWAY every other cat so Old Deuteronomy has no choice but to pick him as the one who gets to die.
Dude, what the fuck? A. Just....run into the street or something if you're that desperate to die. B. To be fair, I mean, I get what you were going for with your evil plan. If all other cats aren't there then yeah, you're the choice. But don't you think, I don't know, Old Doot is gonna figure that out when no one else shows up to the ball? A better plan would be to use his magic Jafar-style and hypnotize Old Deuteronomy into picking him....the other cats don't really have anything to do with it. It's not a democracy, it's a weird...kitty dictatorship.
In what is maybe the sickest burn I've ever heard Dame Judy Dench utter, Old Doot informs McCavity he will never be the Jellicle choice because HE HAS NO SOUL. DAAAAAAAAAMN. There's no coming back from that one. And I don't really see how he can fix that- oh wait, he finds a boat to throw Old Deuteronomy off of. Owned by a cat we had never seen up until that point. That will solve everythin- (where the fuck did this ship come from????? Where are these cats???? Who is letting a rando cat own a god damn BOAT????)
OH, I almost forgot. THE MOST DISTURBING THING IN THIS MOVIE IS HOW JENNYANYDOTS (Rebel Wilson, who is female, and therefore one of the naked cats) UNZIPS HER GOD DAMN FUR AND IS NOW WEARING A CREEPY SPARKLE ...Dance outfit? McCavity also sheds his giant fur coat at one point, which is less creepy, because, you know, its not someone literally unzipping their own flesh, BUT...was the coat his fur? Was he just wearing a coat? Did that represent something more deep than...shedding?
We all know the CGI was rushed and creepy and terrible, but let's also talk bout the cats' inexplicable stop motion "flying" movements? Especially that gray cat who's name I don't know but his only point was to be the explainer cat. I'm not too picky, I'm not one who goes to a movie and bitches about the lighting design or how the spaceship looked "so fake" or whatever. But here I have to make an exception. I think the dudes who make the creepy Wallace and Gromit should have been given a phone call, or something. Or like, any kid who's a film major. Like, was Tom Hooper just sitting alone in a dark basement laughing maniacally at 2 am the day this thing was due and going "IT'S A MASTERPIECE! IT'S BRILLIANT! I WILL SHOW THEM ALL!!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!"
Tom, find friends. Go back in time and Let them talk you out of this monstrosity. It was a cat-astrophic painful failure (yes, fine, I did ONE cat joke. I hate myself meow.)