Snow White and The Pansy-Ass Huntsman
So this movie was seen out of spite of David. David left me for TEN HOURS with a toddler with an EAR INFECTION, so the next morning, I basically handed Jordan off and said "I'll be at a movie". I didn't care which one, I just needed to be away from Screamy McCrankypants.
Boy, did I chose wrong.
"Snow White and the Huntsman" already had a strike against it for starring Kristen Stewart, the amazing emotionless Rabbit Face. But no one warned me that the movie was also about 2 hours longer than it ever needed to be, and that Charlize Theron's overacting wouldn't actually cancel out Kristen Stewart's underacting.
Snow White is born, and she's beautiful and spirited. Her Mom dies, and the king is so inconsolable that an evil phantom army takes advantage of his grief and invades. The king wins effortlessly, because this phantom army is apparently made of paper mache'. Seriously, my son throwing his toy phone at them would make them shatter. The king finds a prisoner; Charlize Theron, who is so beautiful the king MARRIES HER THE NEXT DAY. So much for "inconsolable grieving". Even someone in their RIGHT MIND is not that retarded. And this king is like, super beloved, so the last king must have been a real dick.
So Charlize marries the king, kills him instantly, and brings in her army to take over the land. And no one fucking stops her. Or tries a little bit. There is blatant proof she killed the king, and no one questions her. She locks Snow White in a tower for the next 10 years (Why? Why not just kill her? She's no good to you in a tower)
Charlize keeps herself young and beautiful by sucking the life out of pretty young women. This is not really too difficult for her, since she's the queen and can get as many of these women as she can. But when Snow White "Comes of age" the magic mirror tells Charlize that she is no longer fairest in the land, but if she eats Snow White's heart she will be immortal and beautiful forever, Charlize becomes obsessed. She tells her brother to go get Snow White.
Let me discuss the brother. First of all, HIIIIIDEOUS. Secondly, has a really creepy alliegance to Charlize, even though she is queen and magic and treats him like a servant. But he jumps through every hoop, and when Snow White escapes, Charlize tells Ugly Brother to find someone who can find her.
Ugly Bro immediately finds the huntsman, who has no name but is wasted. Ugly Brother somehow knows that Drunk Huntsman knows the Haunted Woods, and Huntsman goes to get Snow White without really caring why. He finds her immediately.
If only it had ended there.
Huntsman whines about his dead wife, and he and Snow join forces to go find Worthless Duke and mutiny against Charlize. They come across 7 dwarves who are, in fact, giant douches. They try to rob the heros, and beat the crap out of Huntsman. Snow says "I am the daughter of Pansy King!" and they all look at a blind dwarf. "She speaks the truth" says blind dwarf, and all the other dwarves are instantly convinced, and they join forces.
I need this blind dwarf on my team for so many situations.
The dwarves enter what I call the most pointless scene in any movie ever. They are in Fairyland. The fairies are not cute or pretty, but rather, my worst nightmare come to life. Snow follows some of them until she comes across a big white deer with tree branches for antlers. They stare at each other for FIVE FUCKING MINUTES until the dwarves show up and tell us that "no one has ever seen this before". How the fuck would you know?
Blind dwarf says "The deer is blessing her; she is the one who will save us all". Uh, thanks movie. I figured that out based on not only the fact that Snow is the MAIN CHARACTER, but also that she's the only one this entire movie that's actually doing something to dethrone Charlize. Ugly Bro shows up and shoots the deer, who turns into butterflies. End scene.
Deer never comes back. Fairies never come back. COMPLETE POINTLESSNESS.
Snow makes it almost to the Worthless Duke's castle when she runs into Old Crush, who is a pansy. Pansy gives her the poison apple, she eats it and dies for FIVE WHOLE MINUTES while Pansy turns into Charlize and laughs about it. The real Pansy kisses Snow, but nothing happens. They take Snow to Worthless Duke Castle, where she is laid on a block and left for dead.
Huntsman gives a speech about his wife, kisses Snow, and leaves. Snow wakes up, and strolls out of the castle like nothing has happened. Two things bother me here. 1. She never knows that Huntsman woke her, so she has no reason to believe he is her true love. And 2. NO ONE IS SHOCKED OR DISTURBED THAT SNOW CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD. Everyone just takes it like an every day occurance.
Snow gives the worst motivational speech ever, about Iron melting, and everyone FINALLY decides to get off their ass and go kill Charlize. They go to her castle. Snow and Charlize battle it out, and Charlize SCREAMS 'ONLY THE FAIREST IN THE LAND WILL WIN" or something like that, and Snow kills her and says "Damn right". Or something like that. Basically, this queen has literally been unkillable, but apparently, the land's prettiest person can kill her. Good lesson kids. You're worthless unless you're the MOST beautiful.
Boy, did I chose wrong.
"Snow White and the Huntsman" already had a strike against it for starring Kristen Stewart, the amazing emotionless Rabbit Face. But no one warned me that the movie was also about 2 hours longer than it ever needed to be, and that Charlize Theron's overacting wouldn't actually cancel out Kristen Stewart's underacting.
Snow White is born, and she's beautiful and spirited. Her Mom dies, and the king is so inconsolable that an evil phantom army takes advantage of his grief and invades. The king wins effortlessly, because this phantom army is apparently made of paper mache'. Seriously, my son throwing his toy phone at them would make them shatter. The king finds a prisoner; Charlize Theron, who is so beautiful the king MARRIES HER THE NEXT DAY. So much for "inconsolable grieving". Even someone in their RIGHT MIND is not that retarded. And this king is like, super beloved, so the last king must have been a real dick.
So Charlize marries the king, kills him instantly, and brings in her army to take over the land. And no one fucking stops her. Or tries a little bit. There is blatant proof she killed the king, and no one questions her. She locks Snow White in a tower for the next 10 years (Why? Why not just kill her? She's no good to you in a tower)
Charlize keeps herself young and beautiful by sucking the life out of pretty young women. This is not really too difficult for her, since she's the queen and can get as many of these women as she can. But when Snow White "Comes of age" the magic mirror tells Charlize that she is no longer fairest in the land, but if she eats Snow White's heart she will be immortal and beautiful forever, Charlize becomes obsessed. She tells her brother to go get Snow White.
Let me discuss the brother. First of all, HIIIIIDEOUS. Secondly, has a really creepy alliegance to Charlize, even though she is queen and magic and treats him like a servant. But he jumps through every hoop, and when Snow White escapes, Charlize tells Ugly Brother to find someone who can find her.
Ugly Bro immediately finds the huntsman, who has no name but is wasted. Ugly Brother somehow knows that Drunk Huntsman knows the Haunted Woods, and Huntsman goes to get Snow White without really caring why. He finds her immediately.
If only it had ended there.
Huntsman whines about his dead wife, and he and Snow join forces to go find Worthless Duke and mutiny against Charlize. They come across 7 dwarves who are, in fact, giant douches. They try to rob the heros, and beat the crap out of Huntsman. Snow says "I am the daughter of Pansy King!" and they all look at a blind dwarf. "She speaks the truth" says blind dwarf, and all the other dwarves are instantly convinced, and they join forces.
I need this blind dwarf on my team for so many situations.
The dwarves enter what I call the most pointless scene in any movie ever. They are in Fairyland. The fairies are not cute or pretty, but rather, my worst nightmare come to life. Snow follows some of them until she comes across a big white deer with tree branches for antlers. They stare at each other for FIVE FUCKING MINUTES until the dwarves show up and tell us that "no one has ever seen this before". How the fuck would you know?
Blind dwarf says "The deer is blessing her; she is the one who will save us all". Uh, thanks movie. I figured that out based on not only the fact that Snow is the MAIN CHARACTER, but also that she's the only one this entire movie that's actually doing something to dethrone Charlize. Ugly Bro shows up and shoots the deer, who turns into butterflies. End scene.
Deer never comes back. Fairies never come back. COMPLETE POINTLESSNESS.
Snow makes it almost to the Worthless Duke's castle when she runs into Old Crush, who is a pansy. Pansy gives her the poison apple, she eats it and dies for FIVE WHOLE MINUTES while Pansy turns into Charlize and laughs about it. The real Pansy kisses Snow, but nothing happens. They take Snow to Worthless Duke Castle, where she is laid on a block and left for dead.
Huntsman gives a speech about his wife, kisses Snow, and leaves. Snow wakes up, and strolls out of the castle like nothing has happened. Two things bother me here. 1. She never knows that Huntsman woke her, so she has no reason to believe he is her true love. And 2. NO ONE IS SHOCKED OR DISTURBED THAT SNOW CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD. Everyone just takes it like an every day occurance.
Snow gives the worst motivational speech ever, about Iron melting, and everyone FINALLY decides to get off their ass and go kill Charlize. They go to her castle. Snow and Charlize battle it out, and Charlize SCREAMS 'ONLY THE FAIREST IN THE LAND WILL WIN" or something like that, and Snow kills her and says "Damn right". Or something like that. Basically, this queen has literally been unkillable, but apparently, the land's prettiest person can kill her. Good lesson kids. You're worthless unless you're the MOST beautiful.