i hate thursdays
tuesdays and thursdays suck. that is all i have to say about that.
yesterday turned out to be really nice...adam couldnt hang out due to no gas or money so we talked on the phone for like a million hours. michele wanted me to go to her meeting and this guy's house afterwards but i didnt wanna get home as late as she said we would. then an hour later she called me back and asked what i was doing and she sounded all sad...so we were gonna go to waffle house and stuff...so she came and got me and we stopped at her house so she could change and get cigs and her mom asked if we were going to the meeting...and then we ended up going = my first (and probably my last) NA meeting. when i walked in the room, i saw laura fucking rogers. it was so weird! but in a good way. blahblah everyone "shared" and shit..pretty interesting to say the least. it was cool to be able to relate to these ppl..but i defintely couldnt comitt to that program.
----------------------------
heres all the things i dont agree with:
1. the 1st step is admitting you are powerless against your addiction
~~this pisses me off bc i stronly believe in "MIND OVER MATTER"..how the fuck do you think ive gotten to where i am now? its not that far but shit..its somewhere. i dont like the idea that im nothing against a fucking drug thats NOT EVEN ALIVE!! (scott pointed that out to me and i love it) i know its an addiction, mentally and physically, and its a "disease", but it still doesnt matter to me. i still have a brain and some will power so fuck the 1st step.
2. i still want to smoke pot..maybe some shroomies every now and then. i cant if i want to continue going to meetings.
~~i quit doing meth..not everything..i dont even consider pot to be a drug or shrooms. they totally arent in my book. 100%..come from the ground. i dont smoke nearly as much as i used to, but its just something i like to enjoy every now and then when i actually WANT to smoke..which isnt often.
3. i cant pinpoint exactly what it is, but all these ppl seem brainwashed.
~~i dont wanna be brainwashed out of an addiction, i guess i have a more independent approach..or stubborn :D but either way..i just cant explain it. i mean, its good these ppl are all doing better bc they go to meetings and have friends from it that care and everything, but its just not for me.
4. you have to have a "higher power" at some point
~~again with the power thing..also, i dont have faith in any kind of god, etc..i have faith in myself tho :) scott told me that your higher power could be anything..if i had to choose, then my higher power would be spongebob :P
5. going to meetings however often would make me feel like im dwelling on the fact that i did this and that and i was addicted etc
~~"out of sight, out of mind"...enough said..whenever you "share" at meetings you hafta say "hi, im _____ and im an addict" even if you've been clean for a year or more or however the fuck long. even if youre "not and addict." dwell on the past much? i want to move on now. im not trying to block this shit out of my mind, i think about it all every day. i dont have the same crackhead friends anymore. i dont wanna talk about my problems with a room full of "addicts"..it would keep reminding me more than everything else already does. adam can vouche for the out of sight, out of mind philosophy also.
yea so thats why i dont like it. i feel much better now :D
i know that everyone deals with shit their own way, but i dont think michele realizes that na meetings arent the only way to quit something. sure, that program has helped a lot of ppl, and last nite it even helped me to realize a couple things...not about addiction but life in general ---> "LET IT GO"
now im just rambling. but yea, na meetings float some ppls boats and sink other ppl's..the end
------------------------
after that, we went to waffle house. god i love that place now. its too good. we sat there for an hour and a half eating and talking about a bunch of shit. it was really nice. this old ass redneck couple with a little girl came in and sat behind us..and the girl, 4 yrs old, was dancing and singing to all the songs wh played. i hate to say it, but it was soo cute and funny. she was such a show off. shes gonna be the next britney spears or something..she kept asking us all these funny questions too. and our waitress was really nice too. not just "i work hear and im getting paid to be nice to you" kinda nice, like..she was just plain nice and made our food in 2 minutes. waffle house now officially rocks my socks.
today sucked. i got up late, had to take a cold shower. forgot i had to meet michele at 8 to get my hw back for 6th period. remembered in 1st period. couldnt find her all day. didnt study for chemistry test which was also 6th period. so during lunch (5th) i went to the nurse and called my dad and he came and got me. that part wasnt so bad..and i guess today didnt really suck that bad..it was just frustrating. i rearranged my room when i got home. im not done yet tho..hmm watched tv and talked to adam for a bit. hes meeting with that guy that used to manage outkast...i hope everything goes well with that. ahhh i cant wait to see him on saturday :D living kind of far away does suck..but i kinda like it bc i wont get sick of him. it makes the few times i get to see him in a week better.
yea so shannon's parents said i could defintely go with them to pc..now my parents have to say ok for good..and then our parents talk and say ok some more. jeeez i hope this all works out.
i think i vented about everything...yea probably.
only 2 hours left to go get thin mint icecream..somebody better take me..or else
yesterday turned out to be really nice...adam couldnt hang out due to no gas or money so we talked on the phone for like a million hours. michele wanted me to go to her meeting and this guy's house afterwards but i didnt wanna get home as late as she said we would. then an hour later she called me back and asked what i was doing and she sounded all sad...so we were gonna go to waffle house and stuff...so she came and got me and we stopped at her house so she could change and get cigs and her mom asked if we were going to the meeting...and then we ended up going = my first (and probably my last) NA meeting. when i walked in the room, i saw laura fucking rogers. it was so weird! but in a good way. blahblah everyone "shared" and shit..pretty interesting to say the least. it was cool to be able to relate to these ppl..but i defintely couldnt comitt to that program.
----------------------------
heres all the things i dont agree with:
1. the 1st step is admitting you are powerless against your addiction
~~this pisses me off bc i stronly believe in "MIND OVER MATTER"..how the fuck do you think ive gotten to where i am now? its not that far but shit..its somewhere. i dont like the idea that im nothing against a fucking drug thats NOT EVEN ALIVE!! (scott pointed that out to me and i love it) i know its an addiction, mentally and physically, and its a "disease", but it still doesnt matter to me. i still have a brain and some will power so fuck the 1st step.
2. i still want to smoke pot..maybe some shroomies every now and then. i cant if i want to continue going to meetings.
~~i quit doing meth..not everything..i dont even consider pot to be a drug or shrooms. they totally arent in my book. 100%..come from the ground. i dont smoke nearly as much as i used to, but its just something i like to enjoy every now and then when i actually WANT to smoke..which isnt often.
3. i cant pinpoint exactly what it is, but all these ppl seem brainwashed.
~~i dont wanna be brainwashed out of an addiction, i guess i have a more independent approach..or stubborn :D but either way..i just cant explain it. i mean, its good these ppl are all doing better bc they go to meetings and have friends from it that care and everything, but its just not for me.
4. you have to have a "higher power" at some point
~~again with the power thing..also, i dont have faith in any kind of god, etc..i have faith in myself tho :) scott told me that your higher power could be anything..if i had to choose, then my higher power would be spongebob :P
5. going to meetings however often would make me feel like im dwelling on the fact that i did this and that and i was addicted etc
~~"out of sight, out of mind"...enough said..whenever you "share" at meetings you hafta say "hi, im _____ and im an addict" even if you've been clean for a year or more or however the fuck long. even if youre "not and addict." dwell on the past much? i want to move on now. im not trying to block this shit out of my mind, i think about it all every day. i dont have the same crackhead friends anymore. i dont wanna talk about my problems with a room full of "addicts"..it would keep reminding me more than everything else already does. adam can vouche for the out of sight, out of mind philosophy also.
yea so thats why i dont like it. i feel much better now :D
i know that everyone deals with shit their own way, but i dont think michele realizes that na meetings arent the only way to quit something. sure, that program has helped a lot of ppl, and last nite it even helped me to realize a couple things...not about addiction but life in general ---> "LET IT GO"
now im just rambling. but yea, na meetings float some ppls boats and sink other ppl's..the end
------------------------
after that, we went to waffle house. god i love that place now. its too good. we sat there for an hour and a half eating and talking about a bunch of shit. it was really nice. this old ass redneck couple with a little girl came in and sat behind us..and the girl, 4 yrs old, was dancing and singing to all the songs wh played. i hate to say it, but it was soo cute and funny. she was such a show off. shes gonna be the next britney spears or something..she kept asking us all these funny questions too. and our waitress was really nice too. not just "i work hear and im getting paid to be nice to you" kinda nice, like..she was just plain nice and made our food in 2 minutes. waffle house now officially rocks my socks.
today sucked. i got up late, had to take a cold shower. forgot i had to meet michele at 8 to get my hw back for 6th period. remembered in 1st period. couldnt find her all day. didnt study for chemistry test which was also 6th period. so during lunch (5th) i went to the nurse and called my dad and he came and got me. that part wasnt so bad..and i guess today didnt really suck that bad..it was just frustrating. i rearranged my room when i got home. im not done yet tho..hmm watched tv and talked to adam for a bit. hes meeting with that guy that used to manage outkast...i hope everything goes well with that. ahhh i cant wait to see him on saturday :D living kind of far away does suck..but i kinda like it bc i wont get sick of him. it makes the few times i get to see him in a week better.
yea so shannon's parents said i could defintely go with them to pc..now my parents have to say ok for good..and then our parents talk and say ok some more. jeeez i hope this all works out.
i think i vented about everything...yea probably.
only 2 hours left to go get thin mint icecream..somebody better take me..or else