Still Alive. Sort of.
Been working a pretty sweet number of hours at work, taking more ownership of my programming, etc. It's working out really well, and I'm still very happy there. I don't know what I'd do without this particular -- not just any -- job.
I'm off to the Ontario Multifaith Council educational conference in a couple of days. I always feel more grounded afterwards.
Kyle's been home for almost two months now. It hasn't been easy, but we've been getting used to each other again, and my life is a whole lot nicer with him in it regularly.
Lyle "moved" home for all of a month. During that time, he spent very little time with us, which was discouraging. Understandable, as he had a whole bunch of people to reconnect with in what turned out to be a very short time, but discouraging. I kept waiting for my turn -- a 4 1/2 year relationship spent 3/4 at a substantial distance is nobody's idea of fun, but I didn't want to force him to spend time with me. All in all, I think we spent about two hours together, just the two of us -- well, as alone as we could be over lunch and some shopping. It was bad enough that I'd started wondering what exactly I'd been holding on to for so long. Night before last, he came bouncing in, all excited, and announced he was heading back up north...today.
I haven't spoken to him since.
I left the house, got in the car, got TimmyHo's and went to sit by the river and cry. Kyle took him to task for the callous, insensitive way he dumped that on us. That's right. Let me repeat that. My spiky viking, the most emotionally crippled person I know, told off our boyfriend for breaking my heart. I can't quite wrap my head around it, but it happened. I'm fucking gutted by this, emotionally eviscerated. After everything else I've been through this year, I honestly wasn't expecting another heartbreak.
So I'm done. I'm done waiting and wishing and hoping for a "more" -- or frankly, a "something" -- that isn't coming. I'm done being the zero-investment girlfriend. I'm done pining. I'm done holding on to someone who makes it perfectly clear that I'm disposable, that my feelings are inconsequential.
I couldn't even look at him when he came to get his stuff yesterday. I don't know when or if we'll talk again. And it hurts. so. much.
I'm off to the Ontario Multifaith Council educational conference in a couple of days. I always feel more grounded afterwards.
Kyle's been home for almost two months now. It hasn't been easy, but we've been getting used to each other again, and my life is a whole lot nicer with him in it regularly.
Lyle "moved" home for all of a month. During that time, he spent very little time with us, which was discouraging. Understandable, as he had a whole bunch of people to reconnect with in what turned out to be a very short time, but discouraging. I kept waiting for my turn -- a 4 1/2 year relationship spent 3/4 at a substantial distance is nobody's idea of fun, but I didn't want to force him to spend time with me. All in all, I think we spent about two hours together, just the two of us -- well, as alone as we could be over lunch and some shopping. It was bad enough that I'd started wondering what exactly I'd been holding on to for so long. Night before last, he came bouncing in, all excited, and announced he was heading back up north...today.
I haven't spoken to him since.
I left the house, got in the car, got TimmyHo's and went to sit by the river and cry. Kyle took him to task for the callous, insensitive way he dumped that on us. That's right. Let me repeat that. My spiky viking, the most emotionally crippled person I know, told off our boyfriend for breaking my heart. I can't quite wrap my head around it, but it happened. I'm fucking gutted by this, emotionally eviscerated. After everything else I've been through this year, I honestly wasn't expecting another heartbreak.
So I'm done. I'm done waiting and wishing and hoping for a "more" -- or frankly, a "something" -- that isn't coming. I'm done being the zero-investment girlfriend. I'm done pining. I'm done holding on to someone who makes it perfectly clear that I'm disposable, that my feelings are inconsequential.
I couldn't even look at him when he came to get his stuff yesterday. I don't know when or if we'll talk again. And it hurts. so. much.