"Settling" and other confusionsdevifemmeNovember 7 2011, 07:39:40 UTC
My goodness, this intensely felt view of your rare type of friendship is SO well done, SO meaning-filled. Well, I'm excited to read someone being realistic about the all-too-evident limits of her lifestyle.
Recognizing that reality, but not altering it, is occasionally put down as "settling" for a dubious status quo one has reached. That is, meek acceptance of what one sees in some moments as a small victory over uncertainties, BUT in other moments as a small defeat of one's higher asperations.
You may already suspect that I am concerned about an unsatisfying outcome in my ownlife, and you'd be right. I'm a lesbian, having gradually exited the closet, albeit with long-term happiness in some doubt for a decade or longer. After a number of affairs and two longer relationships, I began a passionate decade's connection to a girl quite a bit younger than I. At that point, the passion cooled and the frictions began -- and we both thought seriously of splitting.
But we were "invested" in each other's friends, likes/dislikes, occupations and general lifestyle -- much as you write about your friend and his teenage son. When things were good, they were easy and comfortable; sometimes, though, the end of what had been exciting sex was impossible NOT to recognize. Therapy was tried at various times; we were and still are open in discussing it all -- and we tried various lifestyle changes that promised to pull us back together. Nothing really availed, however.
I suppose you feel as I (and our significant others) sometimes do: why not give it up and each find THE person who will electrify our lives again? Why be cowards about something so important?
And I suspect we both (indeed, all four) mollify ourselves with what amounts to risk-aversion. New loves are every bit as uncertain -- likely even unhappier than what we "have." Everything from finances, to friendships, and to other things tried and true would all be unsettled. Happiness is, after all, relative. And, as you say, there is what amounts to love (and/or respect, deep friendship, etc.) involved -- hurting him, hurting her, that's really a lot worse than doing nothing. (And, having hurt more than one lover in my now-distant past, there's unforgotten guilt tempering my search for answers.)
Just a few thoughts triggered by your excellent essay.
Recognizing that reality, but not altering it, is occasionally put down as "settling" for a dubious status quo one has reached. That is, meek acceptance of what one sees in some moments as a small victory over uncertainties, BUT in other moments as a small defeat of one's higher asperations.
You may already suspect that I am concerned about an unsatisfying outcome in my ownlife, and you'd be right. I'm a lesbian, having gradually exited the closet, albeit with long-term happiness in some doubt for a decade or longer. After a number of affairs and two longer relationships, I began a passionate decade's connection to a girl quite a bit younger than I. At that point, the passion cooled and the frictions began -- and we both thought seriously of splitting.
But we were "invested" in each other's friends, likes/dislikes, occupations and general lifestyle -- much as you write about your friend and his teenage son. When things were good, they were easy and comfortable; sometimes, though, the end of what had been exciting sex was impossible NOT to recognize. Therapy was tried at various times; we were and still are open in discussing it all -- and we tried various lifestyle changes that promised to pull us back together. Nothing really availed, however.
I suppose you feel as I (and our significant others) sometimes do: why not give it up and each find THE person who will electrify our lives again? Why be cowards about something so important?
And I suspect we both (indeed, all four) mollify ourselves with what amounts to risk-aversion. New loves are every bit as uncertain -- likely even unhappier than what we "have." Everything from finances, to friendships, and to other things tried and true would all be unsettled. Happiness is, after all, relative. And, as you say, there is what amounts to love (and/or respect, deep friendship, etc.) involved -- hurting him, hurting her, that's really a lot worse than doing nothing. (And, having hurt more than one lover in my now-distant past, there's unforgotten guilt tempering my search for answers.)
Just a few thoughts triggered by your excellent essay.
Thanks, Justine
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