✂ i had to put this somewhere
Ugh I'm so, so sorry but I really need somewhere to say this and I don't like IMing people just to talk about things like this because it's so whiny. Whining about school annoys me, quite frankly, and it pains me that I have to do it too but I just...can't. I've made short comments in the past but this is on a different level than just 'omg too much work'.
I fucked up in a way that can't really be amended and I clearly am not ready to handle multiple responsibilities. First day of school, and I already have classes and commitments from 8AM to 11:30PM. Not to mention constantly having to stay back at that exact same timing every day of the first week because of choir. So anyone who complains about a 10AM-3PM school day or something...if I've ever been passive-aggressive about it (which i probably MIGHT have?) at least now we all know where I'm coming from.
And that brings us to what my main problem is mentally and emotionally - choir. Clearly, it has become something I no longer can 100% enjoy. I already am so stressed out over the upcoming semester and my exam projects, now I'm expected to do a shitton of paperwork just because I am now randomly the treasurer. I seriously had a complete emotional breakdown in school complete with tears because I nearly screwed up one form because no one told me that it had to be signed? (I ended up cheating with it in the end and THE DAY WAS SAVED but holy shit, never again.) lol not to mention the minor panic attack i had on the first day but that was nothing.
But well, I guess it's all my fault in the end, isn't it. I can't handle things. I always take on more than I think I can because as an Asian, I overachieve anywhere and everywhere because that apparently determines my worth in this world. The saddest part is that it does - in the end, your grades do matter. Your grades determine your worth as a person.
It's just that recently I've been so high-strung about my upcoming projects - which are basically exams that can stretch over two months and have already started. The first week of school isn't over yet, in case anyone needs a reminder. Adding to that, all my additional responsibilities as a treasurer and choir's absolutely UNGODLY schedule has me wishing I could throw up blood all the time. I swear, I'll probably quit after this year is over since I need the extra CCA points. It's way too much stress for me to take. I want my time back. I want to be able to sit at home and rest. I want to be able to get home early so I can actually watch a proper sunset because I actually haven't seen the setting sun in fucking ages, I always reach home at around 11:30PM??? God I just want to go home early again. I want to be able to ride the damn train with my classmates. I want my life to go back to normal.
This is one of the many, many reasons why I tend to be all '...tch' at school-related complaints. I'm sorry, but since everyone appreciates honesty, then I'll be honest. This is just the beginning. Even my teachers say it'll get worse from now on. Everyone has different forms of workload, but I'm unreasonable like that.
There's a lot of stress in this post, I'm sorry. I always say 'it's okay, i'll be fine, i'm just being silly' when it comes to things like this but while I'm not totally alright now I AM MUCH BETTER NOW THANKS GUYS ;A;
I already feel super guilty for whining about all of this lmao .___.) will delete tomorrow morning maybe idek. Provided I have time, I'm forced to skip the birthday party of a friend I haven't seen in YEARS for choir tomorrow morning too. the session was cancelled so hurrdurr
EDIT2: can university just come already jeez I AM READY TO TAKE YOU ON, better to put me through hell on earth now than to do it later right? and then I am going to quit choir next week, wish me luck lmao .__.)
EDIT3: one day i shall practice my drawing skillz because i have not drawn properly in uh, a year. And apparently people pay a lot for commissions, idek why tbh, but they do so I am like 'welp'.
I fucked up in a way that can't really be amended and I clearly am not ready to handle multiple responsibilities. First day of school, and I already have classes and commitments from 8AM to 11:30PM. Not to mention constantly having to stay back at that exact same timing every day of the first week because of choir. So anyone who complains about a 10AM-3PM school day or something...if I've ever been passive-aggressive about it (which i probably MIGHT have?) at least now we all know where I'm coming from.
And that brings us to what my main problem is mentally and emotionally - choir. Clearly, it has become something I no longer can 100% enjoy. I already am so stressed out over the upcoming semester and my exam projects, now I'm expected to do a shitton of paperwork just because I am now randomly the treasurer. I seriously had a complete emotional breakdown in school complete with tears because I nearly screwed up one form because no one told me that it had to be signed? (I ended up cheating with it in the end and THE DAY WAS SAVED but holy shit, never again.) lol not to mention the minor panic attack i had on the first day but that was nothing.
But well, I guess it's all my fault in the end, isn't it. I can't handle things. I always take on more than I think I can because as an Asian, I overachieve anywhere and everywhere because that apparently determines my worth in this world. The saddest part is that it does - in the end, your grades do matter. Your grades determine your worth as a person.
It's just that recently I've been so high-strung about my upcoming projects - which are basically exams that can stretch over two months and have already started. The first week of school isn't over yet, in case anyone needs a reminder. Adding to that, all my additional responsibilities as a treasurer and choir's absolutely UNGODLY schedule has me wishing I could throw up blood all the time. I swear, I'll probably quit after this year is over since I need the extra CCA points. It's way too much stress for me to take. I want my time back. I want to be able to sit at home and rest. I want to be able to get home early so I can actually watch a proper sunset because I actually haven't seen the setting sun in fucking ages, I always reach home at around 11:30PM??? God I just want to go home early again. I want to be able to ride the damn train with my classmates. I want my life to go back to normal.
This is one of the many, many reasons why I tend to be all '...tch' at school-related complaints. I'm sorry, but since everyone appreciates honesty, then I'll be honest. This is just the beginning. Even my teachers say it'll get worse from now on. Everyone has different forms of workload, but I'm unreasonable like that.
There's a lot of stress in this post, I'm sorry. I always say 'it's okay, i'll be fine, i'm just being silly' when it comes to things like this but while I'm not totally alright now I AM MUCH BETTER NOW THANKS GUYS ;A;
I already feel super guilty for whining about all of this lmao .___.) will delete tomorrow morning maybe idek. Provided I have time, I'm forced to skip the birthday party of a friend I haven't seen in YEARS for choir tomorrow morning too. the session was cancelled so hurrdurr
EDIT2: can university just come already jeez I AM READY TO TAKE YOU ON, better to put me through hell on earth now than to do it later right? and then I am going to quit choir next week, wish me luck lmao .__.)
EDIT3: one day i shall practice my drawing skillz because i have not drawn properly in uh, a year. And apparently people pay a lot for commissions, idek why tbh, but they do so I am like 'welp'.