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Anyway, I think I don't get along really well with my best friend. Aren't I supposed to hang really well with a 'best' friend, huh? There are periods in our friendship, like in those times I get along really well with her, the world seemed just perfect to have someone you can lean on whenever you're tired. I usually talk and talk my problem off whenever I'm depressed. Back then my best friend would listen and turned really kind, though she is basically not a very good advisor but she tried to give me advice. But there is also time when I just want to hit her for being so distant and cold. We are in a way too different, putting aside animanga fandom as our common interest, she shares different taste over things. And there is this sort of competitive aura around us too, like when she learns japanese, I try to prove my English to be better than her. Technically she is richer than me that she can freely talks about continuing her study outside of the country, while I still struggle with the option of choosing school with cheaper fee stuff. To be honest, I do think that my skill is better than her. I should be considerate but I can't. I just think it's unfair that she can plan to be successful so freely while I'm struggling, here. It feels unfair. It's too much to explain that I'm practically the one who hangs on her so she won't leave me. She has people who she can hang out with, while I'm...so...antisocial. Besides hanging out with me she partially goes out with people I don't like, those bitches who talk all day about emo stuff being lonely or having a crush. Those people who see me as a weirdo or something. I know I'm not really like other people, I don't like to socialize that much, I depend on my brain, not on people. I guess I'm just afraid of being lonely because I've went through it and I don't think I can really bear being so. I think it's unfair that I'm the one who should please and keep everything in order to not being left behind. Or maybe it's just this damn flu that won't go and make me ramble aloud flooding your anon post i'm sorry ;;
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I think it's natural to feel that way about your best friend - that you can call her your best friend is something as it is, and if she doesn't mind hanging out with you, I think that's okay. Competitiveness amongst friends is fine, too - there are some things I see my friends do, and I think "I can do better. Let me do this." Part of friendship is like that...you're there for each other, or you try to be, no matter how different you two are, and I think to have that kind of person in your life...it's an amazing thing. Not many are willing to go that extra mile to listen to just, well, anybody! That she's richer may of course be a source of jealousy for you, too - I feel that way about a lot of things. Other people have more time, less work, less expectations...they're richer, they can actively pursue their own interests whereas here I am, trying to do something in school and barely alive from the work so later on in life I can get a job, earn money, and deal with my family. Who wouldn't be jealous of a person who has more, but at the same time has an 'easier' life? I understand that feeling and seriously - it's also okay to feel that way. I feel like that regularly about friends of mine too, but it's no reason to stop being friends.
We also can't help who our friends hang out with other than you, even if they are people you don't like, yeah? I think your reaction to want to keep her is that...you're not good socially, so you want her all to yourself, sort of thing? Loneliness does hurt, being socially awkward SUCKS (I can't keep connections for SHIT, in all honesty) - but I think, at the same time, you need to give your best friend the freedom to do what she wants with her own life, whether you agree/disagree with that at all. I know being antisocial is super U G H cause I know I am, but you also need to get out more too, and meet other people! I'm not saying that I think you only have 'this one friend' to rely on, but it's also good to meet new people, see new things. Find new friends as well, and forming connections is good. It sounds hypocritical that I'd be the one saying this, but yeah. Don't try too hard to not be left behind - go at your own pace, but don't shut people out completely. It's bad to try too hard, and I think it will only cause you more emotional hurt in the long-run. Trust me, I do know this so...yeah. Trying is OK, but no overdoing it, too. If she's really your friend, she will accept you for who you are, in any way.
ALSO. It's alright, feel free to ramble - and do get better soon! ;w;
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