It's been a long time...
I don't even know where to start. All I know is that I'm still not happy. I'm in a close friendship with someone that no matter how fucking hard I try to stop feeling for, I still do. I'm at a job that I already know isn't for me. But then again, no job has been a joy. I recently quit a seamstressing job at a costume shop because, well, it was horribly organized and run as well as it was low pay and cut into my weekends (read: time with my roommate).
I have moved to Chicago, but I still feel stuck. I have been on multiple dates and I do have attractive men wanting to get to know me, but I'm the problem. I'm not all that interested in knowing them and their attention feels really strange. Why am I so backwards?! I know that it's natural to want what you can't have, but how much I want, yearn, feel for what I cannot have aches. Even if it's a fictional character!
I get so jealous. I never used to be this way. I swear that the older I get the more neurotic I become. I used to be all about the free love, people doing whatever made them happy, trusting in others, and being generally okay. Now, I don't feel it. I don't trust when people say they love me or like me, I will never have an open relationship, I am so sour about my present and my future. I have no idea how to turn it around. I try to surround myself with positivity, but the negative still presides and laughs.
I have no idea who I am or who I want to be. I am horribly terribly and unbelievably codependent in ways I never thought I would be. I used to be this crazy fun independant person! What happened to me three years ago that made me into this person? I feel like it all started in my Psychology of Human Sexuality. The questions that I had avoided for so long about my sexuality and how I felt/thought/worked through relationships and how that reflected on how I feel about myself were forced in my face and I realize just how miserable I really was and am.
I haven't been able to really connect with anyone in a very long time. Nelson, I wish I could connect with him more, but he has put a very firm line on that which I don't cross. I get frustrated with that line, but I have never pushed the bounds of it. The half-connect is driving me mad. So, in moments much like today, in rebellion, I seek out other partners and connections. I'm an extrovert, I need connections to feel whole. I hate being alone. I just haven't felt right since that class. The wrost part is that I just don't know what to do about it. I don't know even where to start to be more interested in myself and "love myself" and all that crap. I am who I am and I don't know how to change that or how to be interested in myself.
If I'm being honest, what would make me happy today is this: Nelson giving me a long soft hug and saying that no matter what he'd be there for me. That's all. Nothing sexual, nothing crazy. I just want a hug and the words.
I always want the words.
I have moved to Chicago, but I still feel stuck. I have been on multiple dates and I do have attractive men wanting to get to know me, but I'm the problem. I'm not all that interested in knowing them and their attention feels really strange. Why am I so backwards?! I know that it's natural to want what you can't have, but how much I want, yearn, feel for what I cannot have aches. Even if it's a fictional character!
I get so jealous. I never used to be this way. I swear that the older I get the more neurotic I become. I used to be all about the free love, people doing whatever made them happy, trusting in others, and being generally okay. Now, I don't feel it. I don't trust when people say they love me or like me, I will never have an open relationship, I am so sour about my present and my future. I have no idea how to turn it around. I try to surround myself with positivity, but the negative still presides and laughs.
I have no idea who I am or who I want to be. I am horribly terribly and unbelievably codependent in ways I never thought I would be. I used to be this crazy fun independant person! What happened to me three years ago that made me into this person? I feel like it all started in my Psychology of Human Sexuality. The questions that I had avoided for so long about my sexuality and how I felt/thought/worked through relationships and how that reflected on how I feel about myself were forced in my face and I realize just how miserable I really was and am.
I haven't been able to really connect with anyone in a very long time. Nelson, I wish I could connect with him more, but he has put a very firm line on that which I don't cross. I get frustrated with that line, but I have never pushed the bounds of it. The half-connect is driving me mad. So, in moments much like today, in rebellion, I seek out other partners and connections. I'm an extrovert, I need connections to feel whole. I hate being alone. I just haven't felt right since that class. The wrost part is that I just don't know what to do about it. I don't know even where to start to be more interested in myself and "love myself" and all that crap. I am who I am and I don't know how to change that or how to be interested in myself.
If I'm being honest, what would make me happy today is this: Nelson giving me a long soft hug and saying that no matter what he'd be there for me. That's all. Nothing sexual, nothing crazy. I just want a hug and the words.
I always want the words.