Hey, Where's My Badge? That Duck's Got It!
Just to start off, today's article is about professional wrestling. Now if you don't watch professional wrestling, don't worry. I'll try to put it in basic terms that anyone cane enjoy. That being said, here is my report on the spectacle that was Summerslam.
In case you don't know, Summerslam is the second largest wrestling event of the year next to Wrestlemania, so you can be sure that a lot of people were in attendance.
First of all, if any of you have low self-esteem issues, you should go to a wrestling event. Now, this is by no means accurate for the entire wrestling viewing population, but many of them are ugly as shit. I mean, I've seen ugly, but many of them are like circus ugly. I also saw about a total of three black people at the event out of the thousands that were there.
So when we arrive there, we decide to go to Union Station to eat, seeing as how I only had half my life savings with me, I couldn't afford anything at the ACC. I felt so sorry for the McDonalds employees there. There was literally a mob of people shouting orders at them. I decided to give them a break by not being a common fast food idiot and giving my order in a clear and concise manner. Sometimes it pays off to not be a jackass, since I got my food before a lot of the people who ordered ahead of me. But seriously, if I was working there that day, I would have killed someone.
So next comes waiting to be let into the gate. Now, I don't know about you, but waiting in a pile of sweaty, greasy wrestling nerds is not my idea of fun. Fortunately you get used to the smell fast enough, although I really needed a shower when I got home.
So we get to our seats, and wait for the first match to begin. So I'll do some commentary.
RVD vs Rene Dupree: Now, a little background on the two wrestlers first. RVD is a chronic pot smoker with a nasally voice whose fans claim that he is not being given sufficient roles in wrestling because he once stepped on another wrestler's trachea. They tend to ignore the fact that he does the same match day in, day out, rarely even bothering to change the order he does the moves in. Rene Dupree is French.
RVD wins after doing something or other, then goes to smoke some pot.
Rey Mysterio, Paul London, Billy Kidman vs The Dudleys: I really didn't give a shit about this match, so I'm going to make stuff up. The match started off with Spike Dudley riding out on a unicorn and impaling Billy Kidman on its horn. Then D-Von pulled out a gun (Because he is black) and shot Rey Mysterio (Because he is mexican), finally D-Von grabbed Paul London and had his way with him anally (Because he is a redneck). The Dudleyz win via Sodomy Knock-Out (SKO).
Kane vs Matt Hardy: Now, I couldn't enjoy this match. Not because I don't like the wrestlers or thought it was a bad match, but mainly because I had seen one of the wrestlers, Kane, at the mall the day before. Now, in case you don't know, Kane is supposed to be a huge monster with no remorse or sympathy, crushing everything in his path. When I saw him at the mall he was wearing a golf shirt and khakis. Now, if it was that alone, he could get away with it, since he is freaking huge, but after stalking him for a bit, I saw him go into "Games Workshop", which is a store that sells table-top gaming miniatures or something like that. All I could think of was "OH MY GOD! KANE'S A NERD."
Now, as if that wasn't bad enough, after I come out of Walmart, I notice that he has now gone into the Christian Drop-In Center. A man who is built up to be nothing short of the anti-christ, in a Christian Drop-In Center.
Needless to say, it's going to be a while before I can look at him the same way again. Oh, and Kane wins the match by brutally choking Matt Hardy and throwing him down into the ring from the top rope without an ounce of remorse.
John Cena vs Booker T:
I really wasn't paying too much attention to this match since I was still thinking about Kane being a nerd. Basically Booker T is black and John Cena wants to be black. Much like the world of rap, the white guy trying to be black comes out on top.
Batista vs Edge vs Jericho: Sometimes we Toronto wrestling fans just love to confuse the shit out of the wrestlers for no apparent reason. In this match, Edge, is the hometown hero and is playing the face (good guy) in this match. So that just made it all the sweeter when the arena filled up with chants of "Edge Sucks". According to reports afterwards, he was shocked and confused as to why we were booing him. Mission accomplished. Oh yeah, and Edge wins by pinning Chris Jericho, because Chris Jericho never wins. Honestly, he must have fucked Vince McMahon's (WWE owner) entire family or something for them to hate him so much. Poor guy.
Eddie Guerrero vs Kurt Angle: During this match, my friend and I tried starting a "Where's My Burrito" chant, but it didn't really catch on. Dammit. This match was pretty good technically, but seeing as how they had the exact same match like three months ago, I really didn't care. Kurt Angle wins somehow.
Triple H vs Eugene: Now, when I think about professional wrestling, I think about beating up "special" people. Eugene plays a loveable, yet mentally challenged superstar who is a savant at wrestling and Triple H plays an asshole who likes beating up retards. Again, since Eugene is such a fan favourite, we Torontonians decided to confuse the hell out of them and chant for Triple H. On a side note, we're all going to hell. Triple H wins by cheating to beat Eugene. Next on his agenda, he plans to enter the Special Olympics by faking cerebral palsy.
The Undertaker vs John Bradshaw: I would have to say that this would have to be the match of the night. Not because it was good or anything, honestly I didn't even look down at the ring til the ending. But, because the audience knew it was going to be so boring, we made our own fun. First off, a wave was started that circled the ACC about six times. Then we had random chants that had nothing to do with the match (Including the ever popular "Go Leafs Go" chant) and finally, some random shirtless fan ran onto the entrance ramp and was taken away by security. All in all, a Five Star match. Oh yeah, I think Bradshaw won via disqualification. Or not. Who knows?
Randy Orton vs Chris Benoit: I'm not going to make fun of this match, because it was great technical wrestling as well as great emotionally. So I'll just call Kane a nerd again. OMGWTF KANE IS A NERD!!!!
In case you don't know, Summerslam is the second largest wrestling event of the year next to Wrestlemania, so you can be sure that a lot of people were in attendance.
First of all, if any of you have low self-esteem issues, you should go to a wrestling event. Now, this is by no means accurate for the entire wrestling viewing population, but many of them are ugly as shit. I mean, I've seen ugly, but many of them are like circus ugly. I also saw about a total of three black people at the event out of the thousands that were there.
So when we arrive there, we decide to go to Union Station to eat, seeing as how I only had half my life savings with me, I couldn't afford anything at the ACC. I felt so sorry for the McDonalds employees there. There was literally a mob of people shouting orders at them. I decided to give them a break by not being a common fast food idiot and giving my order in a clear and concise manner. Sometimes it pays off to not be a jackass, since I got my food before a lot of the people who ordered ahead of me. But seriously, if I was working there that day, I would have killed someone.
So next comes waiting to be let into the gate. Now, I don't know about you, but waiting in a pile of sweaty, greasy wrestling nerds is not my idea of fun. Fortunately you get used to the smell fast enough, although I really needed a shower when I got home.
So we get to our seats, and wait for the first match to begin. So I'll do some commentary.
RVD vs Rene Dupree: Now, a little background on the two wrestlers first. RVD is a chronic pot smoker with a nasally voice whose fans claim that he is not being given sufficient roles in wrestling because he once stepped on another wrestler's trachea. They tend to ignore the fact that he does the same match day in, day out, rarely even bothering to change the order he does the moves in. Rene Dupree is French.
RVD wins after doing something or other, then goes to smoke some pot.
Rey Mysterio, Paul London, Billy Kidman vs The Dudleys: I really didn't give a shit about this match, so I'm going to make stuff up. The match started off with Spike Dudley riding out on a unicorn and impaling Billy Kidman on its horn. Then D-Von pulled out a gun (Because he is black) and shot Rey Mysterio (Because he is mexican), finally D-Von grabbed Paul London and had his way with him anally (Because he is a redneck). The Dudleyz win via Sodomy Knock-Out (SKO).
Kane vs Matt Hardy: Now, I couldn't enjoy this match. Not because I don't like the wrestlers or thought it was a bad match, but mainly because I had seen one of the wrestlers, Kane, at the mall the day before. Now, in case you don't know, Kane is supposed to be a huge monster with no remorse or sympathy, crushing everything in his path. When I saw him at the mall he was wearing a golf shirt and khakis. Now, if it was that alone, he could get away with it, since he is freaking huge, but after stalking him for a bit, I saw him go into "Games Workshop", which is a store that sells table-top gaming miniatures or something like that. All I could think of was "OH MY GOD! KANE'S A NERD."
Now, as if that wasn't bad enough, after I come out of Walmart, I notice that he has now gone into the Christian Drop-In Center. A man who is built up to be nothing short of the anti-christ, in a Christian Drop-In Center.
Needless to say, it's going to be a while before I can look at him the same way again. Oh, and Kane wins the match by brutally choking Matt Hardy and throwing him down into the ring from the top rope without an ounce of remorse.
John Cena vs Booker T:
I really wasn't paying too much attention to this match since I was still thinking about Kane being a nerd. Basically Booker T is black and John Cena wants to be black. Much like the world of rap, the white guy trying to be black comes out on top.
Batista vs Edge vs Jericho: Sometimes we Toronto wrestling fans just love to confuse the shit out of the wrestlers for no apparent reason. In this match, Edge, is the hometown hero and is playing the face (good guy) in this match. So that just made it all the sweeter when the arena filled up with chants of "Edge Sucks". According to reports afterwards, he was shocked and confused as to why we were booing him. Mission accomplished. Oh yeah, and Edge wins by pinning Chris Jericho, because Chris Jericho never wins. Honestly, he must have fucked Vince McMahon's (WWE owner) entire family or something for them to hate him so much. Poor guy.
Eddie Guerrero vs Kurt Angle: During this match, my friend and I tried starting a "Where's My Burrito" chant, but it didn't really catch on. Dammit. This match was pretty good technically, but seeing as how they had the exact same match like three months ago, I really didn't care. Kurt Angle wins somehow.
Triple H vs Eugene: Now, when I think about professional wrestling, I think about beating up "special" people. Eugene plays a loveable, yet mentally challenged superstar who is a savant at wrestling and Triple H plays an asshole who likes beating up retards. Again, since Eugene is such a fan favourite, we Torontonians decided to confuse the hell out of them and chant for Triple H. On a side note, we're all going to hell. Triple H wins by cheating to beat Eugene. Next on his agenda, he plans to enter the Special Olympics by faking cerebral palsy.
The Undertaker vs John Bradshaw: I would have to say that this would have to be the match of the night. Not because it was good or anything, honestly I didn't even look down at the ring til the ending. But, because the audience knew it was going to be so boring, we made our own fun. First off, a wave was started that circled the ACC about six times. Then we had random chants that had nothing to do with the match (Including the ever popular "Go Leafs Go" chant) and finally, some random shirtless fan ran onto the entrance ramp and was taken away by security. All in all, a Five Star match. Oh yeah, I think Bradshaw won via disqualification. Or not. Who knows?
Randy Orton vs Chris Benoit: I'm not going to make fun of this match, because it was great technical wrestling as well as great emotionally. So I'll just call Kane a nerd again. OMGWTF KANE IS A NERD!!!!