maria elena james
i haven't seen my mother in one year. in my 36 years i don't think i ever went more than a few days without talking with her. it's been a year. the last day i spent with her it was hot. we went to home depot to pick out plants for my new house. i told her that i couldnt' plant them so she would supervise and dean would be the one planting them. i needed her to supervise because there wasn't much i did without her help or adivce. she was tired but still willing to help. i was waddling around home depot and remarked how i was finally feeling pregnant. every day since finding out i was pregnant i would look in her bedroom mirror and wonder when i was going to finally look pregnant. i included her in every part of my pregnancy so happy to finally give her a grandbaby. she drove me home and we talked about john. how she finally was done with arguing with him about taking his meds. they fought earlier that day. she said when he goes completely crazy this time she would let them take him and wouldn't fight to keep him with her. she drove me to my house and went to see my father down the street in the hospital. she came back on the way home to pick up some things i forgot to give her. i was making mac and cheese and asked her if she wanted to stay and eat. i had her taste it and asked if it needed more salt. she said no, it was good. she was walking out the door and i was so torn seeing her go. i wanted to go with her. i was having a hard time being away from her since moving. the part that made me stay that night was that she seemed happy that i was in my little kitchen cooking. that's one of the only reasons i stayed. so i watched her walk away and i said to her, "am i going to see you tomorrow" and she said, "yesss" smiling. and that was it. i still dream about saving her from him. but i don't wake up in a cold sweat anymore. i still feel like there was something i could have done to stop this. but it's not a daily thought anymore. i see my mom in ryden, when he smiles. he has her round face. i hear her when i laugh, and when i say her silly little sayings. i will miss her the rest of my days.
