Life Now
I no longer believe it will be all right.
There is nothing here to hold me, nothing to push me but myself, alone and dry of emotion, burned of heart, dead of soul.
I will not run for cover, not ever, i will run straight on into my dreams here in this world.
I understand now, finally, why God has nearly killed me so many times recently. He wants me to enjoy life again. I realize that except for special moments and special days, i have been just getting by, just surviving, living in a depressed sadness for years. He wants me to find a way to be sad that i have to go sleep again every night, to leave the world. Right now, and for years, it has been my only peace.
I am full of only a handful of feelings. Fear. I am afraid to commit to anyone in any way, friends are friends now, but i am afraid of claiming the same if they are not around. Anger. I haven't been filled with such a steady, barely contained rage in memory. Resentment. Mostly of the ways i have been treated, of the lack of interest in my life by those who question it: don't tell me how to live if you don't know how i live. Of the lack of respect. Mostly of being used by those i care most about.
It will never happen again. I go into tomorrow not knowing as much as i thought i did...for all my philosophy, all my technical skill, all my people skills, love, whatsoever it may be, i don't know what will happen tomorrow, no matter my dreams, because they are only my own, nobody else's.
There is nothing here to hold me, nothing to push me but myself, alone and dry of emotion, burned of heart, dead of soul.
I will not run for cover, not ever, i will run straight on into my dreams here in this world.
I understand now, finally, why God has nearly killed me so many times recently. He wants me to enjoy life again. I realize that except for special moments and special days, i have been just getting by, just surviving, living in a depressed sadness for years. He wants me to find a way to be sad that i have to go sleep again every night, to leave the world. Right now, and for years, it has been my only peace.
I am full of only a handful of feelings. Fear. I am afraid to commit to anyone in any way, friends are friends now, but i am afraid of claiming the same if they are not around. Anger. I haven't been filled with such a steady, barely contained rage in memory. Resentment. Mostly of the ways i have been treated, of the lack of interest in my life by those who question it: don't tell me how to live if you don't know how i live. Of the lack of respect. Mostly of being used by those i care most about.
It will never happen again. I go into tomorrow not knowing as much as i thought i did...for all my philosophy, all my technical skill, all my people skills, love, whatsoever it may be, i don't know what will happen tomorrow, no matter my dreams, because they are only my own, nobody else's.