Fast food day 1
Hello. I don't know if anyone reads this or is going to read it. I used to love writing in this live journal thing. Get my mind of things and express how I felt with out anyone really knowing. Well here is my story and why I'm going to start using this.
I realzied today while sitting at work that i'm completely addicted to fast food. I walk around the office and I can feel my entire body hating me. I have no energy anymore. As I sit here I can tell that my body wants to puke up all the french fries and chicken nuggets I inhaled on the short drive to work. Fast food for me is so easy. No one has to really know what I'm eating or when i'm eating it or fast I'm eating it. Trust me its become so much more embarassing then anything. I've gotten to the point where I can rationlize what I'm doing. I know that really all I'm doing is bingeing. I've become so stressed and depressed with my life that fast food brings me comfort. There are so many uncertinties that are circling my head that it makes me crazy. I find it easier to sleep my day away then to take the time to make me progressive steps to a happier and healthier life. This distructive life style has taken such on toll on my emotions and brain. I find it harder to remeber things, spell certin words, solve simple problems, or carry simple conversations. On top of the fast food my drinking has gotten worse. I blame on being in my young 20's and just having fun. But the truth is, alcoholism runs in my family and I'm just becoming another victim.
Eventually I want to settlte down and get married again. AGAIN?! Yes being 23 I have been married and divorced. It was a silly young girl mistake. Once my divorce ended I was dating around and fell completely in love with a Man named Jack. It wasn't anything serious and then one day just like out a fairy tale story he told me he loved me. And that was the end for me. I knew this was the man that I wanted to be for the rest of my life. But then I got orders (military) and moved over a day away. things were still going great and I was still in love. Shortly after my move I had to deploy. A short deployment, but a long road to recovery once it ended. I had cheated on my love. I slept with another man. A MARINE. I thought for sure I was in love again. But how could I be? He wasn't Jack? what was going on? Jack told me he loved me and the MARINE never once even showed he loved me. Once on my deployment I had alot of time to my self to think about my life and things that were going on. Mostly with Jack. After i thought long and hard about it I decided to tell Jack that I wanted to get married. He had told me that it would never happen. It broke me. Why wouldn't you want to marry and be with the person you said I love you too? Isn't that what we were suppose to do? The discussion had come up many times before about the idea of marriage and he had made it clear to me that he was just not that type of man. So really it should come to no surprise to me when I told him how I felt that he would say no.
Now you have to know that discussion came before I met the MARINE. I believe thats why I cheated. I was so tired of giving my everything to someone and getting nothing in return. I gave Jack two years, and after all I didn';t want to get married right away but someday. He gave me nohting. A place to live and a warm hug. It wasn't enough for me. My heart at that point started to become so disconnected. I was going to go look somewhere else for what I wanted and needed. Now I know that being on deployment is NOT the place to find it. But it that deployment was a time and place for me to find...me. I know that in my mind I loved Jack. He knew everything about me and still stayed with me. Watched me do some stupid shit and was still there by side me. Its something like that you can't let go of. And you say to your self why didn't you just stick it out and just stay with him without being married? Marriage is more then paper. Its making life choices in the eyes of GOD and growing in his eyes as one. I wanted a family. I wanted it all.
After my short deployment across the pond I came home to such a different life, as such a different person. Jack and I broke up, I had no where to go, it was starting to become winter, and on top of all that. I found out I was preganet. I was so surprised, scared, and mad. I told the MARINE since he was the only person I had been with, and he didn't even seem to care in the slightest. So i decied to have an abortion. A part of me wanted to keep it and part of me didn't want to. after all this was my ssecond one. Since Jack and were still talking and trying work things out I told him about it. He told me fnine I still want to be with you. I love you! I was so happy, I knew I made a mistake! One problem, the MARINE was on his way to see me all the way from the desert to say his god bye to his child and to me. That was the deal breaker for Jack. He told me good bye and that was the last that I heard from him.
Now its been a year later and I'm still dealing with that terrible time in my life. trying to get over that bump and find someone that understands that I know I made a mistake and yes I'm going to make so many more. That I'm still dealing with that regret of not having my baby. Or someone that I even feel comfortable enough to tell those things to. Its embarassing to let someone in the dark side of your life. And I don't feel that everryone your with has to know right away those dark secrets.
So what does ALL that have to do with my fast food addiction. Well everything! There is so much more going on that I didn't write, but this is a major part. Having to deal with things and no one to help me or turn to, I turn to Food. And Fast food. It taste so good, I can take it home, no dishes, no one to see me. And once its out of my sight then its out of mind.
I'm on a mission though to get through this. Like I said before its been a year and its time that I deal with this. Today I'm going to go shopping and cook again. Live life, laugh again, and be happy. If anyone is reading this, or if anyone ever does I hope you don't see a sad helpless freak. but a hurt soul reaching out for a new light. The Lights at the end of tunnels can seem so small and far away. So no more tunnels, only broad open spaces.
I realzied today while sitting at work that i'm completely addicted to fast food. I walk around the office and I can feel my entire body hating me. I have no energy anymore. As I sit here I can tell that my body wants to puke up all the french fries and chicken nuggets I inhaled on the short drive to work. Fast food for me is so easy. No one has to really know what I'm eating or when i'm eating it or fast I'm eating it. Trust me its become so much more embarassing then anything. I've gotten to the point where I can rationlize what I'm doing. I know that really all I'm doing is bingeing. I've become so stressed and depressed with my life that fast food brings me comfort. There are so many uncertinties that are circling my head that it makes me crazy. I find it easier to sleep my day away then to take the time to make me progressive steps to a happier and healthier life. This distructive life style has taken such on toll on my emotions and brain. I find it harder to remeber things, spell certin words, solve simple problems, or carry simple conversations. On top of the fast food my drinking has gotten worse. I blame on being in my young 20's and just having fun. But the truth is, alcoholism runs in my family and I'm just becoming another victim.
Eventually I want to settlte down and get married again. AGAIN?! Yes being 23 I have been married and divorced. It was a silly young girl mistake. Once my divorce ended I was dating around and fell completely in love with a Man named Jack. It wasn't anything serious and then one day just like out a fairy tale story he told me he loved me. And that was the end for me. I knew this was the man that I wanted to be for the rest of my life. But then I got orders (military) and moved over a day away. things were still going great and I was still in love. Shortly after my move I had to deploy. A short deployment, but a long road to recovery once it ended. I had cheated on my love. I slept with another man. A MARINE. I thought for sure I was in love again. But how could I be? He wasn't Jack? what was going on? Jack told me he loved me and the MARINE never once even showed he loved me. Once on my deployment I had alot of time to my self to think about my life and things that were going on. Mostly with Jack. After i thought long and hard about it I decided to tell Jack that I wanted to get married. He had told me that it would never happen. It broke me. Why wouldn't you want to marry and be with the person you said I love you too? Isn't that what we were suppose to do? The discussion had come up many times before about the idea of marriage and he had made it clear to me that he was just not that type of man. So really it should come to no surprise to me when I told him how I felt that he would say no.
Now you have to know that discussion came before I met the MARINE. I believe thats why I cheated. I was so tired of giving my everything to someone and getting nothing in return. I gave Jack two years, and after all I didn';t want to get married right away but someday. He gave me nohting. A place to live and a warm hug. It wasn't enough for me. My heart at that point started to become so disconnected. I was going to go look somewhere else for what I wanted and needed. Now I know that being on deployment is NOT the place to find it. But it that deployment was a time and place for me to find...me. I know that in my mind I loved Jack. He knew everything about me and still stayed with me. Watched me do some stupid shit and was still there by side me. Its something like that you can't let go of. And you say to your self why didn't you just stick it out and just stay with him without being married? Marriage is more then paper. Its making life choices in the eyes of GOD and growing in his eyes as one. I wanted a family. I wanted it all.
After my short deployment across the pond I came home to such a different life, as such a different person. Jack and I broke up, I had no where to go, it was starting to become winter, and on top of all that. I found out I was preganet. I was so surprised, scared, and mad. I told the MARINE since he was the only person I had been with, and he didn't even seem to care in the slightest. So i decied to have an abortion. A part of me wanted to keep it and part of me didn't want to. after all this was my ssecond one. Since Jack and were still talking and trying work things out I told him about it. He told me fnine I still want to be with you. I love you! I was so happy, I knew I made a mistake! One problem, the MARINE was on his way to see me all the way from the desert to say his god bye to his child and to me. That was the deal breaker for Jack. He told me good bye and that was the last that I heard from him.
Now its been a year later and I'm still dealing with that terrible time in my life. trying to get over that bump and find someone that understands that I know I made a mistake and yes I'm going to make so many more. That I'm still dealing with that regret of not having my baby. Or someone that I even feel comfortable enough to tell those things to. Its embarassing to let someone in the dark side of your life. And I don't feel that everryone your with has to know right away those dark secrets.
So what does ALL that have to do with my fast food addiction. Well everything! There is so much more going on that I didn't write, but this is a major part. Having to deal with things and no one to help me or turn to, I turn to Food. And Fast food. It taste so good, I can take it home, no dishes, no one to see me. And once its out of my sight then its out of mind.
I'm on a mission though to get through this. Like I said before its been a year and its time that I deal with this. Today I'm going to go shopping and cook again. Live life, laugh again, and be happy. If anyone is reading this, or if anyone ever does I hope you don't see a sad helpless freak. but a hurt soul reaching out for a new light. The Lights at the end of tunnels can seem so small and far away. So no more tunnels, only broad open spaces.