Say a little prayer for me?
I gave myself until Thursday to gain a sense of normality... That's today. And, I can't put my finger on it or form cohesive thoughts to explain it, but I am definitely not where I want to be in my life right now. Though I've ranted about my insecurities and uncertainties about this stage of my life for a few months now, in the back of my mind I was always able to attribute it to nerves and that once I got started I would be okay. And thought that I would be fine after getting a day or two under my belt.
That's not the case. I am completely and totally miserable right now. I wake up each morning feeling sick to my stomach and start shaking as soon as I realize that I have to go back. I cry myself into a poor and fitful sleep at night... I spend class trying to tell myself that I am not in fact stupid and that there is a reason I am there... And I spend the evenings reading and not absorbing anything and having to reread numerous times.
Its not the classmates... they're okay now that the awkward "none of us knows each other" is gone- we're getting used to each other. The instructor is fine- even if he's part of why I feel so stupid- I know his picking is to make sure we've read material and force us to think critically... I just am unable to. There's this gut feeling that I don't know how to describe that's telling me that I'm not supposed to be doing this. And this sadness at the thought of potentially making this my life career- I want to be helping people... but even working in legal aid or human rights, I don't know how much I could actually do to help them- I would have to make separate identities for myself: work and private and give up some of my deep rooted beliefs and values to succeed professionally.
I had thought it was normal nerves causing me the self-doubt. Dad keeps reminding me that this is "where God led me"... but anymore I don't even know if I convinced myself of that at the same time I convinced him and everyone else because of what led me to this decision. I wonder if I forced constraints on whatever path I was meant for by saying, if i get accepted here, this is where I'll go regardless of everything other factor and option. I had thoughts of doing other things this year that I pushed out of mind including seminary and the Peace Corps. But, I led all of that slide as I let everyone else get excited about the thought of law school for me... and I went along with it... but how much did I really want to do it? I dont' know... Dad asked me this several times, fearing I was doing it because he wanted me to... But maybe I'd convinced myself of my desire to go as well... And now its too late to change my mind and go "oh never mind... I was just kidding. I just shelled out the money for the tests, and application service and applications on a whim but I dont' really want to do it." Changing my mind now would mean disappointing a lot of people, making one of the dearest people to me think that he had somehow put undue pressure on me that made me unhappy... and will be yet another notch on my record of failures...
That's not the case. I am completely and totally miserable right now. I wake up each morning feeling sick to my stomach and start shaking as soon as I realize that I have to go back. I cry myself into a poor and fitful sleep at night... I spend class trying to tell myself that I am not in fact stupid and that there is a reason I am there... And I spend the evenings reading and not absorbing anything and having to reread numerous times.
Its not the classmates... they're okay now that the awkward "none of us knows each other" is gone- we're getting used to each other. The instructor is fine- even if he's part of why I feel so stupid- I know his picking is to make sure we've read material and force us to think critically... I just am unable to. There's this gut feeling that I don't know how to describe that's telling me that I'm not supposed to be doing this. And this sadness at the thought of potentially making this my life career- I want to be helping people... but even working in legal aid or human rights, I don't know how much I could actually do to help them- I would have to make separate identities for myself: work and private and give up some of my deep rooted beliefs and values to succeed professionally.
I had thought it was normal nerves causing me the self-doubt. Dad keeps reminding me that this is "where God led me"... but anymore I don't even know if I convinced myself of that at the same time I convinced him and everyone else because of what led me to this decision. I wonder if I forced constraints on whatever path I was meant for by saying, if i get accepted here, this is where I'll go regardless of everything other factor and option. I had thoughts of doing other things this year that I pushed out of mind including seminary and the Peace Corps. But, I led all of that slide as I let everyone else get excited about the thought of law school for me... and I went along with it... but how much did I really want to do it? I dont' know... Dad asked me this several times, fearing I was doing it because he wanted me to... But maybe I'd convinced myself of my desire to go as well... And now its too late to change my mind and go "oh never mind... I was just kidding. I just shelled out the money for the tests, and application service and applications on a whim but I dont' really want to do it." Changing my mind now would mean disappointing a lot of people, making one of the dearest people to me think that he had somehow put undue pressure on me that made me unhappy... and will be yet another notch on my record of failures...