Art rant
There becomes a time every few years or once a year when I have reached my limit or come to a realization about my art. A plato, a wall, where I begin to see everyone elses wall creep higher and higher over me. First comes the raging frenzy to be better, a one shotter, a secret war call no one but me hears. An ill ploted, artifical attempt to be someone Im not and draw something I cant. I try to believe I am the best, and soon everyone will see that too. That someday Ill get my trumpeting glory. I guess i am still sore about losing most artistic for girls, to a poplar person who I never saw step one foot in an art class my whole exsistance all through school.
Like an ill fated baloon, I soar to the top of my wall to build it up, but gradually the air seeps out and I am at the bottom in the dirt again. I wouldnt care so much if my mom didnt tell me all the time that I have so much talent, that I should really do something with it. Talent in this world, depends on the tastes of who ever is looking at it at the time. Fame is a lucky shot in the night sky. Being noticed. Alot of the time it isnt about talent. Or if it is about talent, its still whoever is looking at it. I lost a chance at a scolorship over puke on canvas, because whoever was looking at it, thought that the angle of the lightgreen throw up paint looked so wonderful in the light. Ive seen things worse then anything I could do in my sleep with my eyes closed, sell on ebay. Ive only been able to sell one or two things on ebay.
Sometimes I feel like Ive had my fun. That art is for the young and its time to give it up, grow up, do something involving the right side of the brain and forget romantic illusions. But wait, I have a girlfriend, Im not married with kids or becoming a lawyer to buy a nice house in the suburbs..so I might as well stay here. Suspended, a ghost, in art world. Why not? All of the people who can hardly draw all admire and watch me, Im the underdogs artist. I was the underdogs artist in highschool too, when all my friends, my 'un poplar' friends voted for me. Ill continue doing free pictures for them, and getting a few 'cool' or 'pretty' comments. Thats fine.
But sometimes I feel like one of those old, washed out horses at the race track. Im way behind, worn out, last years model. And I should just be put down.
I looked at this picture that this one girl on the art site did, she used to watch me but she became a little snot and doesnt even talk to me anymore. She did a picture, a realism, portrait, of course of one of the most popular people right now, Jack sparrow(I mean comeon what a cheap shot. "praise me, praise me, cause its so popular of course everyone will love it" It only took her three hours. It would take me at least all day. And how does she get her shading to look like that? Blue toned. I wonder.
At my age I should be more progressed. ive been drawing all my life, Im 20 I still shouldnt be drawing like a 14 year old. Course look at the material..although thats not true. Theres alot of anime pictures, that take emense talent.
Where is my place? And why cant I just be content with it.
XD I think Ill just write.
Im hungry ;-;
I was watching a really good movie on lifetime and then jessicas dad came home and he always gets tv when hes home so I went upstairs hoping to watchit and every channel is snowy and I forgot I have no fucking idea how to use the tv or remotes, they have like 5 of them ~_~ so I never got to finish it.
Anyway I guess in an hour or so Il go downstairs and find food. Jessica doesnt come home for dinner until 6. I made her pancakes this morning and couldnt find the cinnamon. My mom makes the best apple cinnamon pancakes in the whole world. She uses nutmeg and all spice and vanilla and cinnamon.. jessicas mom doesnt believe in any spice besides whatever she uses to make things so spicy. I had to buy pumpkin pie spice when I came, I cant even find it now.
I miss my moms spice cabinet..it had a lazy susan turner,and she had every kind of spice you could imagine. Last time I talked to her, she had all the things laid out to make Chili. She makes her soups homemade and freezes it all year, so theres always soup to eat. I sound so corny dont I? These are the things I miss most. And the windchimes, and mouse sleeping on the porch behind the flower pots in a pocket of shade. And the garden, with corn taller then me, and how the wind through the leaves sound like the surf. And how the bells on the tops of the boats in the boat year ring when the wind blows. And how the fog rolls in over the field at night, and the fog horn outin the distance if you listen real carefully. I miss how tender and evergreen colored the grass is only on this one section of the yard by this tree which is bent like there was some battle and someone was thrown into it before getting up and fighting again. And wild onions would grow there, and I would make potions and stuff with them in a yellow bucket in my tree house when I was little.
All day to do things, what shall I do? I should write..Ill try to write. I need to finish that godforsaken chapter, Im so sick of looking at it.
Like an ill fated baloon, I soar to the top of my wall to build it up, but gradually the air seeps out and I am at the bottom in the dirt again. I wouldnt care so much if my mom didnt tell me all the time that I have so much talent, that I should really do something with it. Talent in this world, depends on the tastes of who ever is looking at it at the time. Fame is a lucky shot in the night sky. Being noticed. Alot of the time it isnt about talent. Or if it is about talent, its still whoever is looking at it. I lost a chance at a scolorship over puke on canvas, because whoever was looking at it, thought that the angle of the lightgreen throw up paint looked so wonderful in the light. Ive seen things worse then anything I could do in my sleep with my eyes closed, sell on ebay. Ive only been able to sell one or two things on ebay.
Sometimes I feel like Ive had my fun. That art is for the young and its time to give it up, grow up, do something involving the right side of the brain and forget romantic illusions. But wait, I have a girlfriend, Im not married with kids or becoming a lawyer to buy a nice house in the suburbs..so I might as well stay here. Suspended, a ghost, in art world. Why not? All of the people who can hardly draw all admire and watch me, Im the underdogs artist. I was the underdogs artist in highschool too, when all my friends, my 'un poplar' friends voted for me. Ill continue doing free pictures for them, and getting a few 'cool' or 'pretty' comments. Thats fine.
But sometimes I feel like one of those old, washed out horses at the race track. Im way behind, worn out, last years model. And I should just be put down.
I looked at this picture that this one girl on the art site did, she used to watch me but she became a little snot and doesnt even talk to me anymore. She did a picture, a realism, portrait, of course of one of the most popular people right now, Jack sparrow(I mean comeon what a cheap shot. "praise me, praise me, cause its so popular of course everyone will love it" It only took her three hours. It would take me at least all day. And how does she get her shading to look like that? Blue toned. I wonder.
At my age I should be more progressed. ive been drawing all my life, Im 20 I still shouldnt be drawing like a 14 year old. Course look at the material..although thats not true. Theres alot of anime pictures, that take emense talent.
Where is my place? And why cant I just be content with it.
XD I think Ill just write.
Im hungry ;-;
I was watching a really good movie on lifetime and then jessicas dad came home and he always gets tv when hes home so I went upstairs hoping to watchit and every channel is snowy and I forgot I have no fucking idea how to use the tv or remotes, they have like 5 of them ~_~ so I never got to finish it.
Anyway I guess in an hour or so Il go downstairs and find food. Jessica doesnt come home for dinner until 6. I made her pancakes this morning and couldnt find the cinnamon. My mom makes the best apple cinnamon pancakes in the whole world. She uses nutmeg and all spice and vanilla and cinnamon.. jessicas mom doesnt believe in any spice besides whatever she uses to make things so spicy. I had to buy pumpkin pie spice when I came, I cant even find it now.
I miss my moms spice cabinet..it had a lazy susan turner,and she had every kind of spice you could imagine. Last time I talked to her, she had all the things laid out to make Chili. She makes her soups homemade and freezes it all year, so theres always soup to eat. I sound so corny dont I? These are the things I miss most. And the windchimes, and mouse sleeping on the porch behind the flower pots in a pocket of shade. And the garden, with corn taller then me, and how the wind through the leaves sound like the surf. And how the bells on the tops of the boats in the boat year ring when the wind blows. And how the fog rolls in over the field at night, and the fog horn outin the distance if you listen real carefully. I miss how tender and evergreen colored the grass is only on this one section of the yard by this tree which is bent like there was some battle and someone was thrown into it before getting up and fighting again. And wild onions would grow there, and I would make potions and stuff with them in a yellow bucket in my tree house when I was little.
All day to do things, what shall I do? I should write..Ill try to write. I need to finish that godforsaken chapter, Im so sick of looking at it.