Volume 1: Issue 3
Madison’s Celebrity Scoop
by Madison Sinclair
Stavros crashes Paris’ car
Paris Hilton’s boyfriend, Greek shipping heir Stavros Niarchos, has crashed her car…into a parked truck! Also in the car at the time were Kimberly Stewart (Rod Stewart’s daughter), Talan Torriero (from Laguna Beach) and Paris herself. Sadly, nobody was injured, because seriously, how lame is that? Apparently, Stavros was drunk and very nearly hit someone on the street. In this case, I think that even Paris Hilton deserves better than this idiot.
For those of you who can’t afford People magazine and are thus ‘not in the know’, Paris has a $200,000 Bentley GT - I’m thinking of asking for one for my 18th birthday which is just around the corner for those who want to know! And this entire incident has just cemented one of my philosophies of life - always take his car when you go out together. That way, when he does something stupid and embarrassing, you’ll still have your car and can go to the spa where you contemplate ways to dump him while receiving a shiatsu massage.
Tom Cruise gets new publicist
Tom Cruise has hired a new publicist which means he’s had to fire his old one…his sister. I know that sounds kind of bad but it’s really not. I mean, some of his recent actions have just been misinterpreted by the media and so he needs extra help.
You see, sometimes good publicity is more important than family. I mean, the majority of the media hasn't been understanding of him at all lately and they've been portraying him in a negative light. Well I won't stand for it! I shall defend Tom Cruise with my last breath! He is NOT a bad guy for firing his sister as some people here at the Navigator have suggested:
Logan: Actually, what I said was that he’s an alien.
Veronica: I said that he was gay…and mentally deranged.
Duncan: I don’t really have an opinion on this.
Gia: I’m totally worried about Katie.
Dick: Yeah, we should, like, liberate Katie or whatever. She’s smokin. Or she was back on Dawson’s Creek. Cruise is a fruit loop.
Sarah Michelle Gellar attacks shallow starlets
At a recent banquet for the Step Up Women’s Network, Sarah Michelle Gellar said, "Think about Rosa Parks. There was a woman who did so much for other women. And nowadays, women are famous for the way they wear their hair. Or designers they wear. Or who they date."
To Sarah Michelle Gellar, I say, “I agree with you in principle, however, until political activists do their political activities in a Gucci halter dress two sizes too small, Prada pumps, with a Fendi clutch purse, and while completely and utterly wasted, they’re just not going to be as interesting as our current crop of starlets who are always stealing each other’s boyfriends and developing eating disorders. It may not be noble work but it is entertaining.”
Ask Logan
by Logan Echolls
Dear Logan,
My boyfriend bought me a kitten for my birthday. I think it was really sweet of him, but there’s just one problem - I’m allergic to cats! Should I tell him, or just stock up on the antihistamines?
-- Sneezy
Dear Sneezy,
According to several undoubtedly reputable sources on the Internet, cats are often seen as symbols of sexuality, magic, femininity and intuition. Also, Satan worship. Take your pick, I suppose. At any rate, it seems to me that your boyfriend is trying to tell you to loosen up a little, lay off the army boots and try running a brush through your hair every once in a while. It can’t hurt, right?
Oh, I also read that overexposure to the source of an allergen can often diminish or even eliminate the allergic reaction. Try sleeping with the precious little puss directly on your face for the next two weeks. That should take care of your problem.
-- Logan
***
Dear Logan,
My English teacher clearly has it out for me. Every paper I write gets a D or an F, and whenever I go in for tutoring, she says it’s my fault because I’m not working hard enough! I can’t get a failing grade in that class - I’ll never get into a decent college! Help!
-- Maligned
Dear Maligned,
Clearly, what we’re dealing with here is a failure to communicate. Teachers are people, too. Pathetic, unfulfilled people who couldn’t cut it in their fields, but people nonetheless. And all people have one thing in common - greed. Have you tried purchasing your grade? Alternately, you could retain the services of a good hacker. Their rates are usually fairly competitive at this time of the year.
Incidentally, Mr. Clemmons, if you’re reading this, surely even you must be hip enough to know that “hacker” is a contemporary euphemism for writing tutor, right? If not, that would just be sad.
-- Logan
***
Dear Logan,
Oh my god. My best friend says that pink is like the new orange, but I say it’s totally yellow. Back me up here.
-- Like No Way
Dear Madison,
We’ve been through this. Yellow doesn’t work on you because it makes you look fat. Even Dick thinks so.
-- Logan
***
Dear Logan,
You seem like you get laid a lot. What are some of your best pick-up lines?
-- Pimp Dizzle Horn Dog
Dear Pimp Dizzle Ho- sorry, I just can’t,
While I’m reluctant to share my best material with the uninitiated, I can tell you this: Girls love it when you treat them like one of the guys. Seriously. Forget that flowers-and-candles crap. Get two tickets to a Slayer show, or even better, a monster truck rally. Now, a brief nod to tradition is fine - feel free to treat her to a hot dog and some domestic… soda. But don’t go overboard with the “being a gentleman” thing. You want to seem nice and heavy in the loafers, you know?
Also, pet names are a must. I recommend Sugarpuss. Sweet, but emphasizes what’s really important about your lady friend.
Oh, and don’t forget to throw in an ass-slap every now and again. Nothing says “I care about you” like a little possessive public fondling.
Best of luck, man!
-- Logan
Have a question for Logan?
Send an email to editor@neptuneonline.org.
Perspectives... "Veganism"
with special guest Cindy Mackenzie
Donald Watson, coiner of the term vegan, died last week on November 16, 2005, at his Cumbria home in Keswick, England, at the age of 95. Watson, who became a vegetarian in his early teens, co-founded the Vegan Society in 1944. A pacifist, Watson was active in both the Leicester and Cumbria Vegetarian Societies at different times in his life. You can learn more about Donald Watson, here.
Vegetarianism and veganism are often more than simple eating plans to those who adopt them; they can be part of a complete lifestyle, reflecting a person's ethics and entire world view. In honor of Mr. Watson's lifelong commitment to his ideals, and in keeping with Neptune Navigator Online's mission to present a broad and contemporary exploration of the issues on the minds of NHS students, seniors Madison Sinclair and Cynthia MacKenzie chat about vegetarianism and veganism.
--Duncan Kane; Senior Editor; Neptune Navigator
Madison Sinclair: I'd never heard of Douglas Watson until I got this assignment. Do you want to talk about him, Cynthia? And can I call you Cindy? When I was little, my parents were strict freaks about TV until they realized they were fighting a losing battle. Anyhow, I used to have to sneak just to watch The Brady Bunch re-runs. I used to wish my name was Cindy, although not so much any more, because it's way dated, and now pigtails make my face look puffy, you know, like yours does with your hair in whatever that style is.
Cynthia MacKenzie: All righty. Call me Mac, and that's Donald, by the way.
Mad: MacDonald? It says here, "MacKenzie".
Mac: My last name is MacKenzie. I mean the name of the founder of The Vegan Society is Donald. Watson. Donald Watson.
Mad: Okay, so you're a vegan. Why don't you tell us about that.
Mac: That's what I'm here to do, although I'm a vegetarian, I'm not a full-fledged vegan, at least not yet. In short, vegans do not consume any animal products.
Mad: But that's like Vegetarianism, right? What's the difference?
Mac: Veganism is a form of vegetarianism. You can read more about it here. All vegans are vegetarians, but not all vegetarians are vegans. For example, there are Lacto-Ovarian Vegetarians, who abstain from meat, but will consume dairy products and/or eggs. Dietary vegans do not eat anything that comes from any animal, including by-products such as whey, gelatin, and the like. Some people's vegan convictions extend beyond the food they eat, and this sort of veganism is sometimes referred to as ethical veganism. Vegans of this sort will not use anything, be it health and beauty products (such as those containing lanolin), medicines, or clothes and shoes which require animals or their products somewhere in the testing or manufacturing process.
Mad: Clothes and shoes! What does that even mean, like no feather boas?
Mac: I was thinking of leather, but yes, sure.
Mad: No leather, either? I don't get it. The cows are already dead. Are vegans like barefoot all the time, or something?
Mac: No. There are plenty of alternatives to leather, including synthetics.
Mad: You mean vegans wear more than just hemp T-shirts?
Mac: Of course. The key is to figure out if any non-human animals are exploited during any part of the process of obtaining a material, be it food, fabric, whatever. For example, silk is out.
Mad: I'm sorry Mac, but fashion commentary? Obviously not your strong suit and FYI, silk is never out.
Mac: I mean silk is not an option for vegans who extend their philosophy beyond their diet. Silk is the by-product of a non-human animal. Typically, vegans reject anything that smacks of cruelty or exploitation (high school excepted). It'd probably be better to confine our discussion to vegetarianism and dietary veganism.
Mad: Fine. Now, I can understand avoiding eggs, but what's the deal with dairy? You do know the cows aren't killed or anything, they're just milked, right?
Mac: Yes, but dairy products are taken by humans, from non-human animals, without their consent, and in the U.S. at least, dairy cows endure some horrendous conditions in factory farms.
Mad: But they're like...animals. And what's all this about honey?
Mac: Again, honey is a product made by a non-human animal for its own purposes. From the vegan point of view, to take honey from the bee is exploitation, plain and simple. You know, this is where veganism starts to involve a whole world view I don't think we're prepared to discuss, here.
Mad: You were starting to sound like one of those freakball PETA types anyhow, and I'm sorry, but I really can't discuss people who would throw paint on an expensive fur coat. I mean, talk about disrespect for life! A lot of minks died for the sake of that coat, and throwing paint on it, is like spitting on their graves. Let's get to the important issues. First of all, how much weight do vegetarians lose? I mean--on average, and are vegans skinnier than regular vegetarians?
Mac: It's really not about weight, although vegetarians get interested in the lifestyle for a number of reasons and health is certainly among those reasons. Vegetarianism, and veganism in particular, is about respect for life. It's about making a decision to not exploit those creatures with whom we share this planet.
Mad: It would be impossible to stick to Atkins on a vegan diet, so that's probably just as well. Let's get to the other important issue. Celebrities.
Mac: What about them?
Mad: I know there are a lot of hot celebrity vegetarians and animal rights spokesmodels, but when I Googled for celebrity vegans, although there are some, they're not all that. Do you think that's because they're not getting enough protein?
Mac: I don't know how to answer that.
Mad: That's surprising. I had you figured as a brain.
Mac: Um...thanks?
Mad: What I mean is, the list is full of has-beens like Woody Harrelson, Lindsay Wagner, Mariel Hemingway and Alicia Silverstone. Possibly Paul McCartney, but he might be just a regular vegetarian, and he's all old and his dye job is atrocious. Sure, there are a couple of somewhat fringe-trendies, but even they're already on the downward spiral like Moby, Fiona Apple (whose veganism is totally ironic, considering her name), Bill Maher, Thom Yorke of Radiohead, and Casey Affleck (who is only someone because of his brother, who is only still someone because of Jennifer Garner). The only hot people were Prince, and Joaquin Phoenix, who are both only hot because they're freaks. So, there's no weight-loss guarantee, and few-to-none hot celebs. Really, why should someone like me consider veganism?
Mac: Much like Donald Watson, I do not feel it is my place to push vegetarianism or veganism on anyone else. I would help someone who wanted to explore it, but it is a personal choice, and one I realize is not for everyone, especially someone like you.
Mad: I thought you were supposed to be an expert or something. As you know, we've been trying out our new IM technology that let's this conversation archive directly to the Neptune Navigator blog.
Mac: Yes, I coded that.
Mad: That's good. Girls who look and dress like you should be smart, so you having something going for you. Anyhow, our editor has asked some of the NHS faculty and Navigator staff to log on, and ask you some questions. Are you ready?
Mac: Ready as I'll ever be.
Mr. Wu: Mac, what's the biggest challenge you face as a vegan? Is it nutritional, or social?
Mac: Great question, Mr. Wu. Without a doubt, it is social. I'm actually not a full-fledged vegan. I'm a vegetarian and I flirt with veganism, but it is a continual struggle to get my family to understand my choices. At this point, I've stopped hoping they'll understand, and would gladly settle for some acceptance.
Ms. Hauser: Are you making sure you get enough complete proteins through the discipline of combining vegetable protein sources, such that you get the full available range of amino acids?
Mac: I'm glad you brought that up, Ms. Hauser. "Combining" also known as "Protein complementing" was all the rage a few decades back, due, in large part, to Frances Moore Lappé's bestseller, Diet for a Small Planet. Briefly, this involved matching rice with beans (or combining other so-called "complementary" plant protein sources) and was a complicated process. The latest and best science debunks this idea, as does common sense. Lappé, whose book is otherwise excellent, and whose overall philosophy has influenced my own, has even recanted. Read more about it, here.
Mad: Okay, before we put everyone to sleep, let's get some student perspectives on this vegan thing. Are you ready, Navigator staff?
Cassidy Casablancas: Mac, I have a couple of questions.
Mac: Go ahead, Cassidy.
Cassidy Casablancas: Which foods do you miss the most? Also, in your answer to Mr. Wu, you indicate the social aspect was more challenging than the nutritional side of the equation. Is it just your family that's difficult, or have you ever felt like you had to keep it a secret from your peers?
Mac: Thanks, Cassidy. As I mentioned above, I'm still flirting with veganism, and largely, that's because I'm still living with my parents, and because I do have a hard time giving up cheese (and pizza), and ice cream. There are soy based alternatives, and some are excellent, but...well, I think it will be easier when I'm out on my own. Secrets...hmm. I've never been asked that, before. I haven't ever felt like I've had to keep my choices a secret from my peers, but it's not something I talk a lot about, unless it comes up. One plus to being a teenager in SoCal is that vegetarianism, even veganism, is considered fairly normal. I have to tell myself that. A lot.
Mad: I see Dick Casablancas has logged on. Are you ready Dick?
Dick Casablancas: I was born ready. Name the time and place, baby.
Mad: Tonight. In your dreams. Please now, Dick. Any questions for Mac?
Dick Casablancas: Who is Mac, again?
Mad: Here.
Dick Casablancas: HA! Okay, Mac, dude. So is it true that all lesbians are vegetarians? I mean, they don't eat meat.
Duncan Kane: Next.
Dick Casablancas: Wait. Wait. What do you call a vegan who likes to pleasure himself? A non-dairy creamer. Get it?
Duncan Kane: Dick, we're live, here.
Dick Casablancas: Okay, Mac, if vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Duncan Kane: Mac, you can go ahead and terminate his session.
Mac: Already done.
Duncan Kane: Sorry about that folks. We don't yet have the ability to edit, and our language filter only does so much. So, that about wraps up this session of Perspectives. If you have an interest in veganism or vegetarianism, please e-mail me here at the Neptune Navigator Online. I will forward all serious questions to Mac.
Got an issue you would like us to explore from new Perspectives? Want to participate in a future session? Leave a comment at the end of this issue and put "Perspectives" in the subject line.
My Supernatural review
by Gia Goodman
This week, my review of Supernatural is about the episode "Home," which is one of the best episodes so far, in my opinion.
Jenny, a single mother, moves into the Winchester family's old house with her two small children, and right away, strange things start to happen. The original house burned down twenty years ago, when Mary Winchester was killed by that demon who stuck her to the ceiling and set her on fire (which I covered in my last review). The house has been rebuilt, but evil is still hanging around to try and hurt the new occupants. I guess evil has nothing better to do.
Jenny's daughter Sari says she doesn't like the house, and that there's a monster in her closet. Of course, Jenny doesn't believe her. Why doesn't anybody ever listen to kids in horror stories? They're always right! When I was a little kid, there was an earthquake that made a big crack in my bedroom wall. I had nightmares about a crinkly witch who was almost flat, like a piece of paper. She lived in the crack in the wall, except she came out after dark. My dad promised me that once the crack was plastered over, she'd be trapped inside, but I wasn't so sure. What if she was outside the crack when they plastered it over? Parents think they know everything. If only I'd known to buy myself some rock salt and a giant crucifix, I wouldn't have been so scared.
Anyway, Jenny investigates the creepy basement in the dark, where she finds a trunk full of photos and mementos belonging to the Winchester family. That's a lot better than what I was afraid she'd find, but, it's still early in the episode.
Meanwhile, Sam has a nightmare about the old house. He wakes up and announces to Dean that they have to go back home. Dean wants an explanation, and Sam tells Dean he's been having psychic dreams, just like Madame Sophie on t.v. In fact, he dreamed about his girlfriend Jessica's death weeks before it happened - but he didn't do anything, believing his nightmares were just nightmares. (Oh, poor Sam. My heart just broke for him, and I really wanted to hug him.) Of course, Dean is upset, and tells Sam that he promised himself he would never, ever go back to that house, and now both brothers are all freaked out and woobie and adorable.
But, the funny part is that Dean makes a remark about Sam having "The Shining," and then later in the episode, Dean busts a door down with an axe, just like Jack Nicholson. Also, a plumber gets his hand chewed up in the garbage disposal. He sticks his hand down there after he notices one of those cymbal-clapping monkey toys sitting on a shelf in the kitchen, and blood comes pouring out of the open pipe underneath the sink. Yikes! And, ew! Hey, there's your problem right there, Jenny -- get that monkey out of your house! Haven't we learned anything from Stephen King? Supernatural is so supernatural -- it's freaky! It's like they know which books I used to sneak from my dad's study when no one was looking, and read under the covers when I was supposed to be sleeping. They were so scary! And I used to watch horror movies with my babysitter when my parents were at parties. That is probably what made me have the nightmares about the witch in the walls; or maybe it wasn't a nightmare. That's exactly what Sam thought, and look what happened.
Anyway, I never stick my hand down the garbage disposal. Maybe I've just seen to many scary movies, but I'm always afraid the disposal will turn on by itself. If nothing else, I'll put my hand in something incredibly gross, guaranteed. It's like when you were in grade school, and at the Halloween party, there was that box set up with the holes cut inside, and labels like "Intestines," and "Zombie Eyeballs," and you'd reach in, and there would always be something icky in there. That's why you put a fork in the disposal, not your fingers.
So, Dean and Sam travel back to Lawrence, Kansas. This episode really gets into the big story arc about the Ceiling Demon, and reveals a lot about the Winchester family history, and how much Dean and Sam care for each other. I love that the central theme of Supernatural is always family. But, this episode also makes me feel absolutely positive that John Winchester is The Worst Father Ever. There's this one scene where Dean and Sam stop at a gas station to discuss the case, after meeting with Jenny and her children. They're both upset about by memories of the old house, and by Sari's description of the monster in her closet, which she says was on fire. Dean excuses himself to go to the bathroom. He goes around the side of the gas station, out of Sam's sight, and calls their father. Of course, he gets John Winchester's voice mail. He leaves a message, begging his father for help, his voice breaking and his eyes filling up with tears -- and believe me, at that point, I just wanted to throw my arms around my television set, and give Dean a great big hug. And does Daddy Winchester show up to help his boys? No! They're on their own. Except for a psychic named Missouri Mosley, an old friend of their father's. Missouri gets on Dean's case about everything, which is so hilarious, since she can pick up exactly what Dean is thinking back at her. Together, the three of them help Jenny and her family rid the house of evil forces.
"Home" is funny and moving, and super-spooky, and has an awesome twist at the end. (Which I will not reveal, of course.) You'll just have to watch it. Thursday, nine p.m. on the WB. Prepare for a scare!
Veronica + The Office = Normal?
by Veronica Mars with Logan Echolls
Veronica Mars: In my last entry, Wallace suggested I watch the The Office (US), in my quest to approximate a normal life. In theory, we were going to write about it together. In practice, he's unavailable. Two Navigator staff members watch The Office: Duncan Kane and Logan Echolls. Guess which one has the time, in theory, to blog about the show?
Logan Echolls: Why isn't Duncan doing this? Oh, right. He's been visiting the hospital a lot. Look, I'm only here because Duncan asked, and the Presidential Suite is more my style than Neptune's Home for Little Wanderers.
VM: Logan, you realize everything we post is going straight to the blog, right? To keep it fresh and conversational, we're essentially having an IM conversation that is archived directly to the blog. The the edit feature is still in development.
LE: What the ****? And you couldn't be bothered to inform me before now?
VM: Read the e-mail from Mac. Also, there's a language filter.
LE: Mac? Oh. Techno-dweeb. Whatever. DK can fix it.
VM: In theory, yes.
LE: And in practice?
VM: In practice, he can only edit it before the deadline, which we're well past, thanks to your busy schedule of bimbos and Battlefield 2.
LE: Let me get this straight. There's a ******* censor built in, but no ******* edit feature? ARE YOU ******* KIDDING ME?!? Why did I agree to this, again?
VM: Perhaps because the Neptune Home for Little Wanderers has no room service? Look, I'm not thrilled with this arrangement, either. The whole premise was supposed to be an average guy showing me the ways of normal teen life. That part's pretty much blown out of the water. Can we just do it?
LE: Yes, let's. How far have you gotten?
VM: I've seen the first season, plus a few from season 2.
LE: The first season was brief-six episodes. Thoughts?
VM: Love it! The Office tops my list of pleasant surprises. It's a short list.
LE: Okay, then. The rest of this discussion contains SPOILERS for Season 1 of The Office, and mentions of season 2..
VM: I don't understand spoiler-aversion. If there's information out there, I need it.
LE: The first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem.
VM: And when you take that step, Logan, I'll be there for you. Well, not me. Probably a parole officer. The Office is set in the Scranton, Pennsylvania branch of the Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company, Inc. In 1:01, a documentary crew has begun filming day-to-day action in their office. Corporate has informed them that they are one of two branches which may be shut down.
LE: That's The Pilot, in a nutshell. The documentary is part of the fictional premise-a "mockumentary" if you will. An actual documentary would be too boring, even for those with a seemingly unquenchable thirst for the bland.
VM: But of course, it is because the setting and characters are so ordinary, that The Office is enjoyable. There's no angst. No bloodshed. No people labeled "persons of interest" by the local Sheriff.
LE: And? The cameras aren't hidden in iPods.
VM: The Office is based on the critically acclaimed British comedy of the same name, developed by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, which left me hesitant to watch what I was afraid could only end up being a pale imitation of the real thing.
LE: How unlike you.
VM: ::sigh:: As an adaptation, there are certain similarities, and the occasional homage. The main characters in the U.S. version map to those in the U.K. original, and the premiere episode of the U.S. version was pretty much a duplicate of its U.K. counter-part. It only took a couple of episodes though, for the U.S. version to stand on its own. For more comparisons, see this wiki article, which even matches the U.S. characters to their U.K. counterparts.
LE: Today, let's stick to Michael, Dwight, Ryan, Jim, Pam, and Angela.
VM: Why don't you do the guys?
LE: Not your thing these days, huh? I warned you about the cuddling. First off, we have Scranton Regional Manager, Michael Scott, played by the gifted Steve Carell, the lead from the summer's smash hit, The Forty Year Old Virgin.
VM: Love him! Duncan and I had a better time at that movie than we've ever had at any movie. Ever.
LE: You saw that with me.
VM: Are you sure?
LE: It wasn't long before we broke up. I took you to a sneak preview. Time to dig out your Feelings Journal. Now, Michael is always performing. He is an insensitive attention hound, who can't manage himself, never mind his own staff.
VM: That's what she said.
LE: Heh. Once a star salesman for Dunder-Mifflin, he's the Peter Principle in practice in his present position-Scranton's obnoxious, obligatory, inappropriate jackass.
VM: But more neurotic than psychotic.
LE: I'll see your non-sequitur and raise you a segue. Dwight Schrute is played by the extraordinary Rainn Wilson, who was undertaker Arthur Martin on HBO's skein, Six Feet Under. Dwight is the oddest of this office full of oddballs. Kissing up to Michael is his favorite activity and most well-honed skill as Assistant Regional Manager.
VM: "to the"
LE: Hush. Don't be you and spoil everything. Next we have Ryan Howard, played by B.J. Novak, who is also a staff writer. His character is well employed introducing us, and the documentary crew, to Dunder-Mifflin.
VM: How so?
LE: Hmmm. Let me approach that from another angle. Do you remember the early days of E.R.?
VM: Um, I was like 7 when it premiered, What 7 year old stays up 'til 10, to watch adult drama?
LE: Me. E.R. was our 'quality time'. I think unnamed people were bucking for guest spots. Anyhow, you know the John Carter character, right?
VM: Of course.
LE: Early on, Carter was the audience's window to life in the E.R. Because Ryan, like the documentary crew (and us) is new to the office, in early episodes, the office staff is as foreign to him as they are to the documentary crew. As he gets to know the staff, so do we.
VM: That was just unexpectedly astute. For you.
LE: Woe is me. Type cast as pretty boy in your rigid, little mind. Why must you be so hard?
VM: That's what she said.
LE: Look, I might not know as much about 'normal' or whatever as your 'baller friend, but I do know a thing or two about faking it.
VM: That's what she said.
LE: Which brings me exactly to my point. If you want to at least pass for normal, stop parroting Michael.
VM: I know, I'm just giddy-head over heels for this show.
LE: I know what you mean. You don't expect it, and then? BAM! Something happens.
VM: Exactly. Now, come on. We're burning daylight, buckaroo… You have one guy left from our list.
LE: Yes, and that guy is John Krasinski's Jim Halpert. Chicks are wild about this guy, and I'm not exactly sure why. He's not bad looking, but he's no Tom Welling.
VM: Mmmmm. My happy place. My man Halpert is hot. He's got the hotness of two guys, crammed into his one guy package.
LE: And his package is your happy place?
VM: Oh, ****.
LE: I kind of like that we can't edit. ANYHOW... Jim spends a good chunk of his time tormenting fellow sales rep. and uber-dweeb Dwight, which is why I like Jim so much. I suspect what impresses the chicks though, is that Jim has a big thing (and that's what she said) for receptionist Pam Beesly, played by the hotter-in-real-life Jenna Fischer. The documentary crew quickly zeros in on the Jim/Pam chemistry, and tries to catch them off their guard. Like Dawn and Tim, their U.K. progenitors, Pam and Jim are already a focus of fan speculation.
VM: Right. It's fun to see his crush progress. In the first episode, you suspect it, but you're mostly only sure they enjoy each other's company. By 1:02, Diversity Day, she's fallen asleep with her head on his shoulder, during a seminar, and he's clearly smitten. It heats up in The Alliance, when Roy seems to catch on, and then in Basketball. Of course it's all one way, so it's just a matter of will he, or won't he.
LE: Are you high? It's more like: when will they; for how long will they; and how hard will that rock.
VM: Are you delusional? Pam is just a nice, normal girl, and she's already engaged. Just because she's friendly to Jim doesn't mean there's anything under the surface.
LE: Under the surface? You've seen Basketball and Hot Girl. It's already bubbling up and over! Are you blind? Jim/Pam, or "JAM" as the kids are calling it-they're going to be epic. Pam just has to loosen up, and stop being so afraid of anything outside of her narrow, skewed preconceptions. When she comes to her senses, she'll be all Jim's.
VM: Why would she take the risk? You know so little about women. Pam has a nice, dependable fiance, in Roy. They've been together for years. Relationships like that don't just end, because someone who is-granted-hot, shows a little interest in the girl.
LE: No, I suppose they don't, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't. People grow and change.
VM: Not everyone.
LE: You come see me by the end of season two, and we'll see if you feel the same way you do, today. Now, let's have a little girl on girl action. We've already covered Pam, I guess, so you-know-who is left.
VM: So juvenile. Okay, but as of the end of season 1, it looked to me like Jim will be involved with Katie for the foreseeable future.
LE: Look, Katie's smokin' if you like them fresh-faced and silicone-free, and if there were no Pam in his world, well then maybe she'd end up being important to Jim, but if she's not gone by February Sweeps, I'll do an entry here, saying how wrong I am, and how right you are. About everything. Ever.
VM: You're on, but is that a spoiler?
LE: No. I just know show business.
VM: Like no business you know?
VM: I'm just saying Katie's a short-timer, Veronica. Hot-but no endurance.
VM: Okay, where were we?
LE: You know you remind me of her, right?
VM: Katie?
LE: No. You know who I mean.
VM: Oh, maybe it's working, then. When he gave me the DVDs, Wallace's advice boiled down to, "If you want to be a normal girl, just copy Pam."
LE: HA! Pam! You wish! I wish! The class of 2006 wishes!
VM: Then who?
LE: Angela. Clearly, Angela. All tight-***** and self-righteous. Okay, so you're not that religious, and your freaky tastes run to unicorns and angry kitties rather than strangely dressed babies, but you're Angela. Or Jan. Both, actually. It's the long-suffering, suspicious, killjoy vibe.
VM: I'm ignoring that, both because of your delusions and because I think you're mixing season 2 information in there. Okay, so Angela Kinsey plays accountant Angela Martin. I have been doing some snooping on the internet, and her story line seems to heat up in the second season, so I'm afraid to say much here. Besides, we really ought to put this thing to bed. So, this is Veronica Mars. We'll be back next time with recaps and reviews of some season 2 episodes of The Office. Any parting words for our readers, Logan?
LE: Of course. This is Logan Echolls, with Veronica Mars, leaving you something to chew on, 'til next time:
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.-Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut
VM: I had to ask…
Sound Off: Book Review
Moderator: Duncan Kane
You have entered room: Sound Off.
Duncan_Kane: Greetings Neptune High! In honor of our librarian Cathy Belben's retirement, Mr. Clemmons asked our journalism staff to review some of the most read books at Neptune High.
Dick_Casablancas: Books? Dude, you totally lied when you told me we’d talk about chicks today! I’m so out of here.
Gia_Goodman: Reading makes you smart!
Logan_Echolls: So does having a brain.
Duncan_Kane: How are we already off topic? I did lie Dick, but I figured you wouldn’t show if I said books. Now that you’re here you might as well stay and give commentary from an outsider’s perspective. The first book we are discussing is a very famous mystery/thriller that deals with one of the biggest conspiracies in the world. It is The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown.
Cassidy_Casablancas: The book was pretty suspenseful. I never would have guessed some of the twists. I loved how there were so many different storylines and characters spread across the book.
Veronica_Mars: Aside from the female lead, I thought most of the book was lame. Brown has no particular flair in his writing, and it led to awkward exposition. Plus, the ending was totally predictable.
Duncan_Kane: Maybe it was predictable for you, but I was pretty surprised by most of it. What don’t you find predictable?
Veronica_Mars: Anything by Agatha Christie or Dashiell Hammett. Those are the type of authors that make you actually think!
Gia_Goodman: I agree with Veronica.
Veronica_Mars: You do?
Duncan_Kane: You do?
Logan_Echolls: You know how to think?
Gia_Goodman: No, about the female lead being cool. She was so smart and pretty! She is totally like number 11 on my idol list.
Duncan_Kane: What did you think of the rest of the book?
Gia_Goodman: It was kind of confusing. Like the author’s descriptions of places and stuff made me dizzy. I mean, one second we were in the Louvre, the next second we were in Paris.
Madison_Sinclair: The Louvre is in Paris, Gia. And the descriptions of it were accurate.
Veronica_Mars: Like you know anything about the Louvre, Madison.
Madison_Sinclair: I know a lot more about it then you, Mars. I’ve been there, multiple times.
Veronica_Mars: Leave it to you 09ers to believe you can buy intelligence.
Logan_Echolls: The book was okay. Slow in the beginning but once the action started, it was fairly intense. My problem with it was the story line - not exactly believable.
Dick_Casablancas: Dude, you read it?
Logan_Echolls: Yeah. There wasn’t really anything else to do in my cell.
Duncan_Kane: That’s an interesting point about it being not believable, Logan. This book does have some members of the Christian community up in arms.
Logan_Echolls: Yeah, all that religion stuff was questionable. I mean, Brown is basically saying that these Opus Dei have no problem killing innocent people to protect a secret, which doesn’t quite settle with me.
Cassidy_Casablancas: I don't think it's unbelievable. Historically, both individuals, religions and governments have killed to protect their secrets. It's just a lot more difficult to imagine in today's world of constant media coverage.
Veronica_Mars: I agree, Logan. It was another reason I didn’t like the book.
Duncan_Kane: I also agree. That part was kind of exaggerated.
Dick_Casablancas: Whoa, is that the first time that everyone in sound-off agreed on something?
Cassidy_Casablancas:Hello? I didn’t agree.
Duncan_Kane: Sorry Beaver, but it looks like we are out of time for this book. The next book we are discussing is Jane Austen’s classic novel of the greatest love story of all time. It is Pride & Prejudice
Logan_Echolls: The greatest love story of all time? I’m sorry, are you still a dude?
Duncan_Kane: I got the tagline off imdb. I haven’t actually read the book.
Logan_Echolls: Me neither. It’s a total chick thing.
Veronica_Mars: Logan, you read The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. And you cried in the movie!
Logan_Echolls: Well you had taken over the role of the dude in our relationship. I was just filling in the gap.
Dick_Casablancas: The girls in that movie were hot! I watched it a couple times with the volume off, if you know what I mean!
Duncan_Kane: Let’s get back on topic. I asked around, and a fellow senior, Jackie Cook, had this to say about the book, “Six-hundred pages of pasty white chicks cat-fighting over some stick-up-his-butt dude's prospects. It’s torture!”
Madison_Sinclair: I love it! It’s so romantic! Although I did disprove of Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley marrying beneath them. Why would any handsome upper class men marry poor, gross women?
Dick_Casablancas: C’mon Maddy, I know you didn’t really read it!
Madison_Sinclair: Of course not! I watched the movie. Colin Firth is so dreamy. You watched it too you know.
Dick_Casablancas: I have no memory of this.
Madison_Sinclair: That time on my sofa, right before we...
Dick_Casablancas: Oh yeah. When you were doing that thing.
Duncan_Kane: Back on topic please, before we all have to bleach our brains!
Gia_Goodman: I love Lizzie. She could also totally be number 11 on my idol list. She is so funny. I try to be funny. Do you guys think I’m funny?
Duncan_Kane: Veronica! You watched the BBC version recently. What did you think?
Veronica_Mars: I’m not really into romance novels and chick flicks. Especially ones that are 6 hours long.
Logan_Echolls: See! My point exactly.
Duncan_Kane: Knock it off, Logan.
Logan_Echolls: Ay ay, Senor editor.
Veronica_Mars: I was going to add that I identified with the main character, Lizzie Bennet. We both have to deal with a snobbish upper class while constantly defending our dignity. She is above the petty way of thinking demonstrated by girls like Caroline Bingley or Madison Sinclair.
Madison_Sinclair: Like you have any dignity, Veronica. You drive a LeBaron.
Veronica_Mars: And that is exactly the attitude that Lizzie rises above. People are going to start thinking this is scripted.
Duncan_Kane: Alright, I don’t think we are going to get much more intelligent debate about this one, so I guess that’s all for this week.
Veronica_Mars: Really? This one went by so much more quickly than the others.
Dick_Casablancas: That’s because it was Dick-less. Just wait until next week when we talk about stuff I know about. Hey Duncan, can we talk chicks next week?
Madison_Sinclair: Like you know anything about girls, Dick.
Duncan_Kane: I don’t think we’ll be doing chicks next week. Sorry Dick.
Logan_Echolls: Speak for yourself, DK.
Veronica_Mars: I see you’re still mature as ever Logan.
Gia_Goodman: I think I’m mature. My dad always has me stay home alone with my little brother.
Duncan_Kane:And with that, I’m declaring this sound off officially over. If you are interested in any of the books discussed today, you can buy them at Amazon, or get them out of the school library. Have a great week everyone!
Special thanks go out to babsonite, bennet_7, cindywrites, dark_roast, mutinousmuse and spadada.