topic 153 sunrise
I never paid much attention to sunrises until my mother took her dive off the bridge. One thing she always loved was a good sunrise. Start of a brand new day, baby, she would say as she used make-up to cover up bruises and worked on that fake smile that never reached her eyes. It took me awhile to accept that she was really dead. In my mind I'd created this illusion that she was sipping fruity drinks on a beach in Tahiti while taking in sunrises. She was biding her time until it was the perfect opportunity to send for me. It would be a start of a brand new day far away from my father terrorizing us.
Once I was convinced she really had ate her pills and jumped into the ocean, I got pissed. Anger is a real bitch, but it's an easy emotion to latch on too. Especially when you're grieving and you hate her for bailing on you. I wanted to scream so I did. I went out to the beach and I screamed until my throat was raw and sore. I lost track of time. Then I saw that sunrise and it reminded me of her. Of how bright and beautiful she was when she wasn't having to fake a smile. How full of life she was when she wasn't hating her life. It made me angrier, but it also made me really grieve. It allowed me to miss her and move toward acceptance.
Once I was convinced she really had ate her pills and jumped into the ocean, I got pissed. Anger is a real bitch, but it's an easy emotion to latch on too. Especially when you're grieving and you hate her for bailing on you. I wanted to scream so I did. I went out to the beach and I screamed until my throat was raw and sore. I lost track of time. Then I saw that sunrise and it reminded me of her. Of how bright and beautiful she was when she wasn't having to fake a smile. How full of life she was when she wasn't hating her life. It made me angrier, but it also made me really grieve. It allowed me to miss her and move toward acceptance.