(no subject)
So many people dead or in jail so little time I'm willing to devote to the topic. I could say I miss my house, but really it's cool where I am now. Duncan and I make pretty good roommates and every now and then Veronica graces us with her appearance. Sure, it's usually to yell at one or both of us, but hey it's always nice to see her smiling or snarling face. I miss the four of us. I'm not going to get all Hallmark moment on you, but before everything went to hell the four of us had some great times together. There was a time when it was us against the world and the world didn't stand a fucking chance. Now it feels like we're all on our own and just sort of shadow dancing with each other. Maybe it's because we've lost too much too soon. It's like we're hollow. Which works for me because I'm sure if you ask anyone around Neptune they would tell you I've been a superficial guy lacking depth for years. It's Veronica and Duncan who have really changed. They used to have this innocence about them that Lilly and I wanted to protect, while mocking them for it of course, but now it's like they've seen too much. Experienced too much bullshit to believe the world can be made a better place if they wish hard enough on a falling star. I don't know. Maybe I'm just nostalgic for the way things used to be because the big change will be happening soon. We'll be graduating and the plans that seemed so solid a couple years ago have pretty much crumbled around us. We will head off to different places and promise to write, but really I don't think any of us expect to stay in touch. They were my family once, but I'm not sure I even believe family exists anymore. If you love someone it makes you weak. It gives them too much power over you. Yeah, I know, you can't go through life pushing everyone away. I've been through the therapy sessions. I'm just tired of investing in things that won't last.
You know what is weird about memory? Scent. I miss the smell of their perfume. My mother, Lilly, Veronica. I miss the way it lingered in the air when they would be in the same room with me. I miss the sound of their laughter. Veronica may still have a pulse, but she doesn't laugh much anymore. Yeah, I know you're ready to cue the tiny violins. Fuck off already. I was in the mall the other day and some chick had on the perfume that Lil used to wear. It hit me so hard that I felt my stomach knot up and I probably looked like a psycho when I chased her down to make sure the blonde who smelled like my dead girlfriend wasn't really Lil. Yeah. I wanted it to be her. I know it's not possible, but for a minute I believed it could be. Which tells me that my speech about being tired of investing in things is total bullshit. People who don't give a fuck about anyone do not chase strangers down in the mall just because they have on a perfume that triggers a shit load of memories. They don't nearly break down in the middle of that mall when the girl has the wrong color eyes and isn't half as pretty as Lilly was.
I'm sick of writing about this. I'm tired of reading this depressed crap as much as you are. It's time to find Duncan and get drunk enough that neither of us can be depressed. It will take a lot of tequila, sure, but I am up to the challenge.
You know what is weird about memory? Scent. I miss the smell of their perfume. My mother, Lilly, Veronica. I miss the way it lingered in the air when they would be in the same room with me. I miss the sound of their laughter. Veronica may still have a pulse, but she doesn't laugh much anymore. Yeah, I know you're ready to cue the tiny violins. Fuck off already. I was in the mall the other day and some chick had on the perfume that Lil used to wear. It hit me so hard that I felt my stomach knot up and I probably looked like a psycho when I chased her down to make sure the blonde who smelled like my dead girlfriend wasn't really Lil. Yeah. I wanted it to be her. I know it's not possible, but for a minute I believed it could be. Which tells me that my speech about being tired of investing in things is total bullshit. People who don't give a fuck about anyone do not chase strangers down in the mall just because they have on a perfume that triggers a shit load of memories. They don't nearly break down in the middle of that mall when the girl has the wrong color eyes and isn't half as pretty as Lilly was.
I'm sick of writing about this. I'm tired of reading this depressed crap as much as you are. It's time to find Duncan and get drunk enough that neither of us can be depressed. It will take a lot of tequila, sure, but I am up to the challenge.