From "DUH! The Stupid History of the Human Race" by Bob Fenster
"Dumb Things You Can Waste Your Money On"
If we bought all the things the ad agencies told us we needed, we'd be as dumb as they think we are.
But who exactly are they marketing this stuff to?
Thunderwear: a groin pouch for holstering your gun. The manufacturer advises that on large-grip guns, you should wear pants with a skoosh more room in them. For dangerous ladies, there's a gun holster that attaches to your bra.
A couch potato snack bowl that emits a crowd roar every time you reach for the chips.
A clear plastic tube bracelet that you fill with ants, then wear around your wrist. (I want one!)
Aspirin earrings. The pill-mounted drop earrings also come in Valium, Sudafed, and Pepcid AC.
They sell all kinds of souvenirs at the Mount Rushmore gift shop. Our vote for the one that makes the least sense for tourists who have come to observe mountainous images of famous presidents: the $7.99 baseball with fake autographs from presidents George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and Theodore Roosevelt. Washington and Jefferson never even heard of baseballs, much less the concept of autographing them.
A gold-plated slinky for $129.95. (My favorite I think)
An inflatable rubber airplane.
An electric tongue cleaner.
A phone shield designed to prevent electromagnetic fields from seeping into your ears when you talk on the phone.
Air bags built into your underwear. The air bags deploy when you fall, to prevent hip injuries.
A sneezing doll.
A sneaker-shaped bed, under which you can put your bed-shaped sneakers.
Dog owners seem to be heavily identified by marketers as a target audience for all kinds of junk designed for consumers with their brains on a short leash. How about edible greeting cards for dogs? Since your dog can read, maybe you should get him a book to go with the card, okay?
Or Rover might prefer a dog shampoo that smells like baby powder. Why baby powder? Because dogs have become the babies of the family.
Minivans with built-in TV sets. Just what drivers with car phones, car faxes, and satellite mapping systems need: something else to distract them from focusing on the road. (Intervention, though I think this is still stupid... it's not like the tv sets are designed for the front of the vehicle... it's mostly for entertaining the kids in the back. I think that's even more stupid because it's just teaching them to be addicted to tv and an excuse for parents to not pay any attention. Hello, you're a burden to me... SO I want you to watch tv and be quiet... so I can pretend you don't exist. Way to go mom and dads.)
A souvenir A-bomb that goes off with a bang and a flash, and produces a mushroom-shaped cloud of smoke. It's made in Japan.
Rock 'n' roll pants that connect to a stereo system for good trouser vibrations.
Sparkling mineral water for plants.
T-shirts with fake stains under the arms.
See-through underpants for men.
Psychic perfume blended to enhance your ESP abilities.
An executive door closer so busy CEO's can use a push button to hydraulically shut the office door in your face.
... Alright, that's the stupid things to waste your money on... Possibly more to come later with chapter titles such as: "Stupid Social Customs" "Military Unintelligence" "Dumb Ways to Die" "Stupid Inventions" "Stupid" Science" "Dumb Crime" and "Stupid Sports."