time to get real
i've posted too much about boring concrete events lately. It's time to get abstract.
I've been a cladestine pot head for the last couple months. I don't regret it; I had good times, I never lost track of my goals or ambitions, and my health is no worse than when I was smoking cigarettes. But I created an obstacle that acted as a serious threat in making my relationship with brandy derail. it's not that i've been aimlessly listening to music and eating obscene amounts of shitty food in my free time, it's that i lied. I lied so much that i was creating an alternate life seperate from the one that brandy and i have forged together over the years. what started as just failing to mention something to stay out of the dog house had snowballed into a serious threat to our relationship. If we are leading to seperate lives, then we just aren't together. Furthermore, it's clear that what i was doing was exploiting the trust that Brandy had in me; the same trust that took me a good piece of my life to earn. at some point a close friend of hers heard the facts (I was spending much of my time with frequent bong ropers) and asked Brandy how she could be so blind to what i was doing; her response was that i told her i wasn't doing it, therefore she knew i wasn't. We had a level of trust so great that anything i said she believed, and likewise, and i used it to get away with being such a little fuck.
i came clean to her one night a few weeks ago. What i was doing was so disrespectful to her that i could no longer continue. of course to lessen the blow I understated how heavily my recreational time was spent getting baked with mark and acting like dufus. We worked through it, the same way we worked through Photo B, the same way we worked through her first college roomates, the same way we somehow always get through things. Then she slowly found out how bad it really was. Then she suddenly found out the worst of what i had done. I blazed with a friend of hers at bodega bay after she had fallen asleep the day following a huge conflict she had with her friends smoking that weekend. unfortunately she had been informed by someone other than myself.
friday the worst of it happened. we had to talk and we had to find out everything about the consequences and the reasons to get through this, and to learn from this so it never happens again. so we talked for hours. from the start our emotions burst or crept out of us like stepping near a large group of pigeons. But we made it through it. By the time I made it to SLO from Sacramento we were ok again, but we still had a lot to talk about.
So much has been said and realized that all i can really do to avoid writing a book is bullet what it is we've discovered:
- My emotional imperfections are many. They are so sutly imbedded in everything that i do that i need Brandy to be there for me to spot them out when i can't.
-The way it works is that i have an emotional force inside of me that is constantly at war with my logic. Just as any person, however my childhood disadvantages have made it so that some components of my emotional team are seriously fucked up. I need to find ways to isolate them and shape them into health. Meanwhile, i still need to stop them from putting me in situations where i hurt myself and the people around me, as i stated right above, i need Brandy to help me with this.
-Brandy and I are strong. When fate throws curve balls at us we can get through them. We've been working on our technique for quite some time, and it's not quite perfect yet, but we come closer to that every time we deal with such threatening situations.
-I have never considered distance a large strain on our relationship. I laughed away at anyone who put merit in distance as a threat; brandy and two social psych. professors included. Now I understand the dangers of distance. Out of sight, out of mind is very real, and very dangerous.
-This was a small bit of chance how we got into this mess, but it was 99% my stupidity. I'm not a bad person, but I can be a real fucking retard/asshole sometimes (why? see bullet #2). Am i forgiven? I don't think so. Do i deserve to be? I don't think so. Is my relationship with Brandy any weaker because of this? I don't think so.
-I guess the bottom line is, neither Brandy nor I are perfect. Our method of handing our problems are generally effective, but still not perfect. We do however, have a perfect relationship because we can work through things and because we maintain strong communication channels (yes i fucked that one up this time, but we worked through it and opened those channels up again).
ok. that was badly needed to be recorded, now time for the boring concrete:
spring break is comming to a quick halt.
My friday in Berkeley with Drew was really a lot of good times. The weather was wonderful; we had a wonderful car ride up, and all the people I met out there were pretty fun. again, this week has been such a collage of events that things tend to get blurred together, so heres what went down in Berkeley,
-FREE FOOD
-A Drew Dano tour de campus
-A tour de freshman dorms
-Chillin' with Drews friend (another sacto JC transfer to Berkeley. there may be hope for me!)
-MORE FREE FOOD
-cervesas!
-hookah
-more cervesas!
-a lame frat party. it was a sea of disheveled, inebriated peoples trying to get fucked. i found it rather disgusting, and i came to the conclusion that the movie "old school" parallels frat life so closely that i'm not sure whether to laugh or puke
-a call from pops saying the family is back home
-2:30 return to sacramento.
I've already gone over all that Brandy and i had gone through friday as i was driving up. since i've arrived we really have been enjoying our time together, minus all the homework that i've been stomping through. i got some new music up here, Iron Maiden's Powerslave and MC5's Kick up the jams. We've been smoking a lot, so much for never having another cigarette again. oh yea, Cass is definately good times.
alright there it is. Brutal sincerety, i'm at least keeping up with my vow to keep as honest as possible here, whether i look good, bad, mean, or whatever.
I've been a cladestine pot head for the last couple months. I don't regret it; I had good times, I never lost track of my goals or ambitions, and my health is no worse than when I was smoking cigarettes. But I created an obstacle that acted as a serious threat in making my relationship with brandy derail. it's not that i've been aimlessly listening to music and eating obscene amounts of shitty food in my free time, it's that i lied. I lied so much that i was creating an alternate life seperate from the one that brandy and i have forged together over the years. what started as just failing to mention something to stay out of the dog house had snowballed into a serious threat to our relationship. If we are leading to seperate lives, then we just aren't together. Furthermore, it's clear that what i was doing was exploiting the trust that Brandy had in me; the same trust that took me a good piece of my life to earn. at some point a close friend of hers heard the facts (I was spending much of my time with frequent bong ropers) and asked Brandy how she could be so blind to what i was doing; her response was that i told her i wasn't doing it, therefore she knew i wasn't. We had a level of trust so great that anything i said she believed, and likewise, and i used it to get away with being such a little fuck.
i came clean to her one night a few weeks ago. What i was doing was so disrespectful to her that i could no longer continue. of course to lessen the blow I understated how heavily my recreational time was spent getting baked with mark and acting like dufus. We worked through it, the same way we worked through Photo B, the same way we worked through her first college roomates, the same way we somehow always get through things. Then she slowly found out how bad it really was. Then she suddenly found out the worst of what i had done. I blazed with a friend of hers at bodega bay after she had fallen asleep the day following a huge conflict she had with her friends smoking that weekend. unfortunately she had been informed by someone other than myself.
friday the worst of it happened. we had to talk and we had to find out everything about the consequences and the reasons to get through this, and to learn from this so it never happens again. so we talked for hours. from the start our emotions burst or crept out of us like stepping near a large group of pigeons. But we made it through it. By the time I made it to SLO from Sacramento we were ok again, but we still had a lot to talk about.
So much has been said and realized that all i can really do to avoid writing a book is bullet what it is we've discovered:
- My emotional imperfections are many. They are so sutly imbedded in everything that i do that i need Brandy to be there for me to spot them out when i can't.
-The way it works is that i have an emotional force inside of me that is constantly at war with my logic. Just as any person, however my childhood disadvantages have made it so that some components of my emotional team are seriously fucked up. I need to find ways to isolate them and shape them into health. Meanwhile, i still need to stop them from putting me in situations where i hurt myself and the people around me, as i stated right above, i need Brandy to help me with this.
-Brandy and I are strong. When fate throws curve balls at us we can get through them. We've been working on our technique for quite some time, and it's not quite perfect yet, but we come closer to that every time we deal with such threatening situations.
-I have never considered distance a large strain on our relationship. I laughed away at anyone who put merit in distance as a threat; brandy and two social psych. professors included. Now I understand the dangers of distance. Out of sight, out of mind is very real, and very dangerous.
-This was a small bit of chance how we got into this mess, but it was 99% my stupidity. I'm not a bad person, but I can be a real fucking retard/asshole sometimes (why? see bullet #2). Am i forgiven? I don't think so. Do i deserve to be? I don't think so. Is my relationship with Brandy any weaker because of this? I don't think so.
-I guess the bottom line is, neither Brandy nor I are perfect. Our method of handing our problems are generally effective, but still not perfect. We do however, have a perfect relationship because we can work through things and because we maintain strong communication channels (yes i fucked that one up this time, but we worked through it and opened those channels up again).
ok. that was badly needed to be recorded, now time for the boring concrete:
spring break is comming to a quick halt.
My friday in Berkeley with Drew was really a lot of good times. The weather was wonderful; we had a wonderful car ride up, and all the people I met out there were pretty fun. again, this week has been such a collage of events that things tend to get blurred together, so heres what went down in Berkeley,
-FREE FOOD
-A Drew Dano tour de campus
-A tour de freshman dorms
-Chillin' with Drews friend (another sacto JC transfer to Berkeley. there may be hope for me!)
-MORE FREE FOOD
-cervesas!
-hookah
-more cervesas!
-a lame frat party. it was a sea of disheveled, inebriated peoples trying to get fucked. i found it rather disgusting, and i came to the conclusion that the movie "old school" parallels frat life so closely that i'm not sure whether to laugh or puke
-a call from pops saying the family is back home
-2:30 return to sacramento.
I've already gone over all that Brandy and i had gone through friday as i was driving up. since i've arrived we really have been enjoying our time together, minus all the homework that i've been stomping through. i got some new music up here, Iron Maiden's Powerslave and MC5's Kick up the jams. We've been smoking a lot, so much for never having another cigarette again. oh yea, Cass is definately good times.
alright there it is. Brutal sincerety, i'm at least keeping up with my vow to keep as honest as possible here, whether i look good, bad, mean, or whatever.