Ramblin' Rants
Where to start?
I don't even know.
The body is experiencing a severe headache right now, and its been going on and off for four days. Robin says its likely due to the pollen in the air, just a sinus headache, but this is killing us.
We've been surveying the collecitve lately, trying to figure things out. Figure out why Madeline is screaming (yes we've all tried talking to her, she just keeps screaming), and has been for days, and why the Littles keep getting lost. We (Well, Michelle and Blue-green) have been finding them again pretty quickly when things cool down, but its just this annoying cycle. Madeline screams and tries to push me out of the front, I feel small, dissociate, and "float" for a while until she gets tired, and then take back over and ask Michelle and Blue-Green to check on the Littles to make sure we haven't lost anybody.
The more I'm reading about how other people's systems work, the less I like the approach Robin has been taking in helping me. She acts as if I, Tasha, am the "main" (because I front almost all the time and was the first person she met?) and the others in the collective are all some how inferior. Like they have roles or characteristics that make the more two dimensional or "flat". For example: I talked with Blue-Green and she doesn't like being labeled with the Littles on the sole basis that she identifies as being young. But at the same time Robin doesn't consider her one of the "adults" or spends a lot of time with her in therapy because she is only 12 and is therefore a "Little". Even though she doesn't hold memories like the Littles, and is infact more of an "inner self helper" if she had a role like that at all.
Its like Robin is forcing a model on us that doesn't fit, just because its the accepted model in the psycology realm. I don't know if can, should or would confront her on this. I mean, on one hand she's not making this up as she goes, she has worked with others and is one of the most trained and experienced thearapists in DID in Atlanta, but on the other hand she is holding with a model that is outdated and frankly just sucks. I mean she refers to everyone who isn't Tasha (me) as a part, and when I first joined the online community I thought that was the norm! I just feel like as a collective we have learned more online from reading journals and communities and collective's websites about "real" mulitiplicity than Robin even knows or is willing to learn! That being said, do we ditch her as a therapist? My personal vote is no, there is definately some attachment to her and I think we have to learn a lot more about ourself and get more stable as a system before we part, but if she tries to force integration, you bet I'm gone.
This whole thing is really just one long ramble. We've been sick and couped up and depressed. It hasn't been pleasant in the headspace.
Madeline has quieted down again. She's co-fronting right now.
I'm fucking pissed. At Robin and Anna and the body and Charlie, and Tasha, at FUCKING EVERYBODY.
Why are you pissed?
Robin makes me feel small, but at the same time she tells me I'm big and that I'm "an important part". But I'm a person. Just like you.
I know. What can we do about this?
I guess I can tell her I'm a person? and that Charlie is a person and Michelle is a person and the Littles and Blue-green are people too. I want more fucking respect. I don't like the way Robin makes me or any of us for that matter feel.
Like she tells us to call her if we need to but then gets angry when we do call her and sets down a bunch of rules. I don't like that. And I don't like that she keeps trying to send us to the bad hospital. I don't fucking like the hospital it isn't a good place. Why doesn't she understand that?
I don't know. What else is bothering you?
Anna is really bothering me. I can't believe she made so many assumptions about us and then yelled at us! She's just a fucking bitch. I don't ever want to see or talk to her again.
We won't.
Promise?
Promise.
I like writing. Its easier than talking. I'm sorry I've been yelling so much. I've just been really frustrated and then the damn headache didn't help AT ALL. >_<
I know. It really sucked. These past couple days have been hard for everyone involved.
I just feel like everyone blames me for everything! It's like the system is out of wack it must be Madeline's fault. Or Madeline wants to cut again so lets send everybody to the hospital.
Its not your fault and I'm sorry you feel like you're taking all the blame but it's really not your fault! We all share this body so we all have to take responsability for it. And we all have to communicate to take care of each other. I think we've all been failing at the communication piece.
I'm sorry I tried to shove you out of the front earlier. I just wanted to be heard.
I think this is a much better way of communicating than pushing each other.
I think so too.
Do you think it would be okay if I took this to Robin on Wednesday? She might like to hear from you.
I don't know. Will she get mad at me?
I don't think so.
I guess it would be okay as long as she doesn't get mad at me.
Okay. Do you feel better now that we talked?
Oh yes.
Is there anything else you want to talk about before we go to bed?
Um. I don't think so.
Let me know next time you want to talk with out four days of screaming *laughs*
Okay *laughs*
Goodnight!
--Tasha and Madeline