(no subject)

[neophillia]

sometimes i am just too tired to think.
the middle of the day. first thing in the morning.
out for coffee. thankful that the table is carrying it's own
conversation and no one notices if I just sit and listen.
out of character,
but the words are flyin on their own and i can just duck, and sit,
and be thankful for at least this, this amount of energy,
to be able to sit here and at least listen to the thoughts and battles and explorations of others.
and i will try not to be jealous. i will try not to be mad.
that i am so much less than i am because of my blood. and if you are new,
and you met me today, i know you would see someone i don't recognize.
and i don't want to grow into that person, and i don't want to accept
that this is who i am.
I would rather not fit into this skin, walk around (when I can)
awkward in it, than contribute at all to growing into it.
i just want to be myself again, have the energy to think my thoughts through
to a close without shortcuts, without abandoning some conversations
before i even start them, because i know i'm not up to it.
i'm just so tired.