(no subject)
Just in case anyone ever needs to know - blowing off the last day of work on something incredibly important which has a 'need a mirable' deadline to get done when you half organized the working scheduale to get stoned with someone and hang out with your sister's ex-boyfriend and not call and not to not feel any fucking remorse for it when everyone around the table knows you're supposed to be helping make this shit happen because you said you would.....this is not the right thing to do. Wrong on so many levels. I can't even begin.
Maybe if I were a stronger person this wouldn't have leveled me so much. As is, I just want to throw in the towel on all of this. And my parents, butting in to tell me it was my fault for encouraging the little helpless good hearted nineteen year old to be responsible for anything. This was all my fault. All my hurt and dissapointment was my fault for believing in what someone said, for believing that anyone believed in me.
The fact that I made the effort to call, and that she ignored the phone, that she sat around with these people laughing about where she was supposed to be. I can't even tell you how fucking ridiculous I feel for thinking this would work.
My body continues to deteriorate and I'm trying my damdest to do something good in the world, for myself, to prove my worth, to give something out so I can be proud of myself, and I just don't have the energy.
Any maybe this is self pity, but I'm mad, and one of the few people in the world that I would never expect to so thuroughly, actively do something to screw me over did exactly what that asshole I've been trying to get past did.
It really seems like I don't deserve anything from anyone. At least in this town. I'm just going to try to find enough people to rent the space from me to use as a studio and then Ilm getting the hell out of here and going home. If I'm going to be sick and falling apart physically I'd really rather be around people who know me, and I know them and we hold eachother in a spotless place, and value the effort it takes to be good to one another and hold eachother up when we're all falling down and if we fuck up.....it doesn't have circumstances that leave eachother feeling like betrayal.
I'm not invalidating the effort put in my the score of people who have helped. It's just not maybe enough. I wish I could do more.
I just want my family back. I just don't fit here. I need to be somewhere I can call home where I'm not worrying who is going to drive a fucking stake into me heart just because they can.
it's being sorry, it's knowing that what you're doing is wrong when you're doing it....that makes you stop, or at least minimize the damage...that's what counts. If you're only sorry after the fact, it only means you're sorry you have to deal with the consequences of your actions. it only means all you really care about is you. and i say that knowing exactly what it feels like to behave that way.
fuck it all.
Maybe if I were a stronger person this wouldn't have leveled me so much. As is, I just want to throw in the towel on all of this. And my parents, butting in to tell me it was my fault for encouraging the little helpless good hearted nineteen year old to be responsible for anything. This was all my fault. All my hurt and dissapointment was my fault for believing in what someone said, for believing that anyone believed in me.
The fact that I made the effort to call, and that she ignored the phone, that she sat around with these people laughing about where she was supposed to be. I can't even tell you how fucking ridiculous I feel for thinking this would work.
My body continues to deteriorate and I'm trying my damdest to do something good in the world, for myself, to prove my worth, to give something out so I can be proud of myself, and I just don't have the energy.
Any maybe this is self pity, but I'm mad, and one of the few people in the world that I would never expect to so thuroughly, actively do something to screw me over did exactly what that asshole I've been trying to get past did.
It really seems like I don't deserve anything from anyone. At least in this town. I'm just going to try to find enough people to rent the space from me to use as a studio and then Ilm getting the hell out of here and going home. If I'm going to be sick and falling apart physically I'd really rather be around people who know me, and I know them and we hold eachother in a spotless place, and value the effort it takes to be good to one another and hold eachother up when we're all falling down and if we fuck up.....it doesn't have circumstances that leave eachother feeling like betrayal.
I'm not invalidating the effort put in my the score of people who have helped. It's just not maybe enough. I wish I could do more.
I just want my family back. I just don't fit here. I need to be somewhere I can call home where I'm not worrying who is going to drive a fucking stake into me heart just because they can.
it's being sorry, it's knowing that what you're doing is wrong when you're doing it....that makes you stop, or at least minimize the damage...that's what counts. If you're only sorry after the fact, it only means you're sorry you have to deal with the consequences of your actions. it only means all you really care about is you. and i say that knowing exactly what it feels like to behave that way.
fuck it all.