Datalinks: 017.0457.002 - I should be...
Man I care way too god damn f'in much for my own good. People use and abuse my kindness. Pisses me off. I just try to be the friend to them as I would hope for in return (wishful thinkin bu whatever) and look how it goes. Everytime it gets used and abused. Worst of all my achilles heel doesn't quite help the situation. Gah. And I said that I won't worry, I'll ignore her and move on since I don't have the time for petty shit. And I really don't hence why I'm ignoring some of the silly little things in my chapter. Life is too short for me to waste away playing with fools. I said that I'd not talk to her again. That everything would be fine without that...but everyone else seems to be turning away from her. Her "friends" are no longer there for her and so she only has myself and Aaron to talk to...argh!!! So I can't leave her for the fact that she needs me. And now she needs me more than ever and she doesn't wanna talk. Swear to god women sometimes are more stressful than what good can come out of friendships with them. I dunno...that may be partially true to one sense or another but men are a bigger pain in my books. Well, not all men, just the average man looking for sex and/or just using and abusing girls and their kindness.
Anyways back to the thought at hand...I want to say, "Whatever, fuck it." But reasoning and conscious tells me, "You're going to regret this." Plus than my code lays out in the nice fine text, "You can't abandon any woman who puts any faith, trust, or friendship in you." Gah...what a bitch of a situation. She was "asleep" when I called her last night which I think is bs but whatever, she'll deny it. She didn't go to school today. She'll say she had work but that will be bs too but whatever. She isn't going to call me for whatever silly reason. She is just difficult.
I don't have the time to be dealing with this or worrying about this. Yet I been so caught up helping everyone else I have hardly had the time to even think of being nervous for Saturday. Quite frankly the only time the in past 3 months I have been worried was last Saturday. Beyond that I haven't worried. And now I don't more especially than ever. I'm uber calm. The picture replays in my head a million times. And tonight I'll dream about it. Tomorrow I'll think of Saturday a million times. Saturday I'll think of it a million times. By the time I'm done thinkin about it, it'll be time. And than it is game on. I have most of my speech memorized but I changed my speech again today a lil bit so I gotta spend tomorrow morning and afternoon perfecting it. Time allows no breaks or opportunities for mistake so neither shall I. No choking, no guts, no balls, no glory. Flawless. I go up. I do my thing. I smile, I laugh, and I feel good...I go home happy. Otherwise, I go home unhappy, no matter what the results. My speech has to rock, ifit doesn't than I can careless since I'll be beating myself up all day for one error.
Was I person I wanted to be? Today...not entirely. But I was damn close as always.
So here is my vow, no more mistakes. In the next 48 hours it will be pure game face and me doing what I do best. I worked this hard to be this and now I'll do it. No backing down, no stepping away. For the next 48 hours I will be...perfect. And I swear on my honor that I will be. I am a DeMolay at heart. I am a knight and a samurai at spirit. I am a man in soul. And on those foundations...for hte next 48 hours of my life I will not slip, I will not fall, I will not cry...I will do what I have to do and more for the simple fact that I lived for this, I live for this, I want to do this. I will show more proof to my existance than what I already have done. I will show to the world that one person can be the master of their universe. I will defy all that limit me for the simple fact I said I would...
Anyways back to the thought at hand...I want to say, "Whatever, fuck it." But reasoning and conscious tells me, "You're going to regret this." Plus than my code lays out in the nice fine text, "You can't abandon any woman who puts any faith, trust, or friendship in you." Gah...what a bitch of a situation. She was "asleep" when I called her last night which I think is bs but whatever, she'll deny it. She didn't go to school today. She'll say she had work but that will be bs too but whatever. She isn't going to call me for whatever silly reason. She is just difficult.
I don't have the time to be dealing with this or worrying about this. Yet I been so caught up helping everyone else I have hardly had the time to even think of being nervous for Saturday. Quite frankly the only time the in past 3 months I have been worried was last Saturday. Beyond that I haven't worried. And now I don't more especially than ever. I'm uber calm. The picture replays in my head a million times. And tonight I'll dream about it. Tomorrow I'll think of Saturday a million times. Saturday I'll think of it a million times. By the time I'm done thinkin about it, it'll be time. And than it is game on. I have most of my speech memorized but I changed my speech again today a lil bit so I gotta spend tomorrow morning and afternoon perfecting it. Time allows no breaks or opportunities for mistake so neither shall I. No choking, no guts, no balls, no glory. Flawless. I go up. I do my thing. I smile, I laugh, and I feel good...I go home happy. Otherwise, I go home unhappy, no matter what the results. My speech has to rock, ifit doesn't than I can careless since I'll be beating myself up all day for one error.
Was I person I wanted to be? Today...not entirely. But I was damn close as always.
So here is my vow, no more mistakes. In the next 48 hours it will be pure game face and me doing what I do best. I worked this hard to be this and now I'll do it. No backing down, no stepping away. For the next 48 hours I will be...perfect. And I swear on my honor that I will be. I am a DeMolay at heart. I am a knight and a samurai at spirit. I am a man in soul. And on those foundations...for hte next 48 hours of my life I will not slip, I will not fall, I will not cry...I will do what I have to do and more for the simple fact that I lived for this, I live for this, I want to do this. I will show more proof to my existance than what I already have done. I will show to the world that one person can be the master of their universe. I will defy all that limit me for the simple fact I said I would...