January 29, 2008
I have decided to write today and when I can. An update of my life. I will try to do this often, not sure how much I will actually get around to writing but I want to try. REALLY try! And when I put my mind to something I get it done.
I will not write about the past, but instead the future, and the present. If my past is needed to explain something more then I will use it, but if its not needed I will not mention it. I have changed who I and want to keep moving forward instead of taking steps back.
I work out too much, I have to burn at least 500 calories on the eliptical a day. I have already lost 20 plus pounds, but I cant help it. I want to loose more. I dont see a diffrence in my body. I guess I have image problems. The strangest thing about this losing weight this is that you would think you would gain self confidence, but instead I feel it was been decreasing. I wish I knew how to change it, but I dont. I want to be the person I used to, but be able to be who I am now. Seems I cant get my way. Story of my life.
Today I realized, I can be jealous, sad, and happy all at the same time. Justina has her little boyfriend, who makes her so happy. But I get sad cause I dont have someone like that, I dont laugh like that, I cant even remember ever laughing like that, I get jealous cause I want to be happy like she is when she is talking to him. But then he makes her so happy, that all I can think about is how happy I am for her.
The boy I been talking to, where did talking come from? Talking is a status of a relationship almost, but what if your just talking to someone, you know conversation!! Still get confused by this term. Anyways...he confuses me because I cant figure him out. Drives me nuts! Part of me ways to ask what the hell his deal is but the other part, really doesnt care cause I have my family, and school to worry about.
I think I am at that age, where I realize I have never been in a good healthy real relationship. I get the feeling I need to be, or at least heading in that direction, but guys just arent attracted to me, at least they dont act like it. I just wish I knew what was wrong with me sometimes, besides being slightly crazy, and maybe bi-polar, but thats for another day.
Well I should be getting ready for bed and what not, got 9am class. LAME!
I will not write about the past, but instead the future, and the present. If my past is needed to explain something more then I will use it, but if its not needed I will not mention it. I have changed who I and want to keep moving forward instead of taking steps back.
I work out too much, I have to burn at least 500 calories on the eliptical a day. I have already lost 20 plus pounds, but I cant help it. I want to loose more. I dont see a diffrence in my body. I guess I have image problems. The strangest thing about this losing weight this is that you would think you would gain self confidence, but instead I feel it was been decreasing. I wish I knew how to change it, but I dont. I want to be the person I used to, but be able to be who I am now. Seems I cant get my way. Story of my life.
Today I realized, I can be jealous, sad, and happy all at the same time. Justina has her little boyfriend, who makes her so happy. But I get sad cause I dont have someone like that, I dont laugh like that, I cant even remember ever laughing like that, I get jealous cause I want to be happy like she is when she is talking to him. But then he makes her so happy, that all I can think about is how happy I am for her.
The boy I been talking to, where did talking come from? Talking is a status of a relationship almost, but what if your just talking to someone, you know conversation!! Still get confused by this term. Anyways...he confuses me because I cant figure him out. Drives me nuts! Part of me ways to ask what the hell his deal is but the other part, really doesnt care cause I have my family, and school to worry about.
I think I am at that age, where I realize I have never been in a good healthy real relationship. I get the feeling I need to be, or at least heading in that direction, but guys just arent attracted to me, at least they dont act like it. I just wish I knew what was wrong with me sometimes, besides being slightly crazy, and maybe bi-polar, but thats for another day.
Well I should be getting ready for bed and what not, got 9am class. LAME!