And Just Like That

Oct 20, 2008 10:38

So. He left the school. Not for a quick stroll or a break. He withdrew and quit both jobs and packed up and left. The city, the state... he wouldn't tell anyone where. I paid him the money I owed him, the last words we ever said to each other were:

Brad: Is this three hundred dollars?

Me: Yeah.

And then we went our separate ways, like parting samurai or something. I'm gonna miss him. I hope he's safe wherever he goes. I really love him.

I found myself severely empty this weekend. I was on call, and therefore I had to go into his old lodge at least three times a day, see the Halloween decorations he put up, remember his excited smile as he hung them. It hurt every time I walked by, but by Sunday I was pretty numb, or at least thinking of other things... myself. I actually have no one else to think about, so now I'm stuck wondering, "What do I want?".

I guess I hadn't thought about my feelings about anything, and suddenly my plans for the future seemed so freakin scary. I don't have a partner anymore, it's just me on my own. Something I've dealt with before, but it's been almost 18 months since I've had to. I'm readjusting; things aren't as scary as they seemed on Saturday.

Also, I find myself very quickly losing the need for companionship. I mean, it's nice when I have it, but I'm losing my dependence on it. Alexander is horrible at calling, and I'm becoming ok with that. I've limited my calls as well. It's not like we're dating. I should stop acting as such. I'm taking him out for his birthday in an excuse to go have fun with a cute guy and snatch a few drinks. But whatever happens with him happens. I won't be upset. There's nothing left for me here I guess, so I'm looking ahead at the future. Days are getting brighter.

I've got work to do.

Later
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