Calzona: The ( Not a ) Fairytale 2/?
Title: Calzona - The (Not a )Fairytale.
Author: Neolithicdream
Pairing/Character: Callie, Arizona.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Arizona lost. And it's a few weeks later. And in a few days Callie will be moving to NewYork with Sofia for their new life. And Arizona will find a way to keep breathing. At least that's the plan.
A/N: I'd like to apologize in advance...
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libellous, defamatory, or in any way factual
"Stop!" Callie had just about caught up to her, on the walk way over the large Public Atrium near the entrance of the Hospital. For a woman with a prosthetic Arizona sure could move fast when needed.
"What Callie? What could you possibly want from me now."
Righteous anger filled her now. The past few weeks, with just her and Sofia, she had de-compartmentalised beautifully. Concentrating on the moment, the precious moments with her gorgeous daughter. Revelling in her infectious laughter, her sunny carefree disposition. She didn't know pain or grief or betrayal. She wished she could protect her from all of that, forever. She knew she couldn't but she'd always thought she'd have more time. That she wouldn't start to lose her little girl just yet.
She thought she'd lose her to adolescence, that the day would come when she'd say, "Mama, don't kiss me in the schoolyard, I'm a big girl now. It's sooo Embarrassing." She thought she'd lose her to some spotty faced undeserving boy who played football or, even worse, the guitar. When she was in Middle school or if she was lucky Junior High. Arizona had never once dreamed she'd lose her because Callie would take her away.
It was the last unbroken promise. All their other promises lay shattered on the road behind them, the road that brought them here. They'd broken every single one. And yet despite that Arizona hadn't seen this coming.
When Callie left she'd thrown herself into her new fellowship. She hadn't fought to save her marriage. She had no fight left in her, so every ounce of energy went jointly into her fellowship and her daughter. It had made the fellowship easier in some ways. She could concentrate without distraction on it when Sofia was with Callie and on her days and weekends Sofia got her full undivided attention. There wasn't a moment in the day to think of what she had lost, of who she had lost, of why she had lost her.
And she still had Sofia, the gorgeous little girl she used to consider her mini-Callie. She didn't think of her in that way anymore. She couldn't. To do so would be to suggest that she still had part of Callie and she knew that wasn't true. Callie was gone. All of her. She had left because she wanted to be free. She had left because she was feeling suffocated by her and her neediness and her failings. And when the woman you needed told you she felt suffocated you couldn't fight that.
Arizona was a pragmatist and a realist and yet she somehow had always managed with all of that to be an optimist. To see the joy. To believe in the impossible. And when she'd met Calliope Torres every cell in her body rejoiced. Theirs had not always been a smooth path but Arizona had always loved her, adored her, worshipped her.
She had sacrificed for her. She had bent. And had never regretted it. The day they married was the happiest of her life. The 412 days after it were her halcyon days. On the 413th day she boarded a small plane.
And her world crashed to earth.
Looking back she didn't understand it. The others had experienced the same horrors but they didn't come back changed. Meredith heard wild animals ravage her dead sisters body but came back still capable of love, of living. Yang's breakdown had been severe but short-lived.
Why her? Why had she been the one to fail? Arizona was not a woman used to failure. And yet she had failed in the most miserable of ways. And all after she had fought so hard to survive on that wooded mountain. It would have been easier to have shut her eyes and succumb slowly to the darkness. But then she'd see those brown eyes. Callie's. And it seemed those eyes suffused her in warmth on that cold mountain. And she imagined what Callie was doing at that exact moment. How she was feeling. Did she think they were all already dead? What kind of pain and turmoil she would be in. And she knew she couldn't succumb to the darkness, not when she had her beloved waiting for her.
And Sofia. That most incredible miraculous little girl. Her little girl. Theirs. No, she could not succumb to the darkness and leave her beautiful girls behind.
Yet in the end, just when the danger and the horror had passed, that's exactly what she did.
Sometimes she hated Callie for not loving her enough to stick with her, other times she wondered why she stayed as long as she did.
She knew she came back different but she knew also that Callie had changed too after the Plane Crash. The unconditional, unchanging love she thought she could depend on from Callie wasn't there. Sometimes it seemed Callie stayed only because of the promises made, sacred vows,in sickness and in health. For better for worse.
As things got better they seemed to get worse. Losing the baby seemed to be one loss too many. A loss she believed she experienced alone.
Nothing justified her actions. Not with Lauren Boswell. Not with Leah Murphy. She would always shoulder the Lion's share for that. Especially Boswell. It was unforgivable. She wouldn't have been able to forgive if Callie had shared her body with someone else. The breaking of that vow surely cancelled out any other broken promise.
Yet for awhile it seemed that Callie had forgiven. She certainly seemed to try but the trust was gone, the tiny fragile threads of their marriage were too weak to withstand much more and they finally broke apart.
Time healed the pain of that final break. She hadn't seen that coming either. Therapy had been brutal, the yelling, the recriminations against past deeds Arizona thought they'd left far behind them. Africa loomed large during therapy, accusations of being abandoned for a grant, of being cast aside for a career were flung about. Now there was an irony if one was looking for one. But at the end of their 30 day separation she had hope.She'd walked in to the therapists office full of hope,like a dead man walking who just didn't know it.
Throughout the aftermath things had been civilised. It had hurt, how little Callie seemed to care, how easy it had been for her to discard them, their history. For a little while she had clung to hope. That Callie would change her mind. That after she'd tasted freedom she'd realise it wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. Long after it was rational to hope, after weeks turned into months and months turned into seasons and seasons into years a tiny vestige of hope remained. It was unspoken, not even to herself.
Then Callie met someone. Callie met her perfect Penny.
And the realist in her put her hopes away and started to plan for a future. She didn't want to meet someone like Callie. There could be no one to replace Calliope Torres in her heart but she could replace her in her bed. Maybe one day she could replace her in her life.
She'd had the great love. Callie had been it for her but she could have someone or more likely maybe a series of someone's. She liked women. She liked women a lot. Always had. So she restarted her life.
She'd had no choice.
But Sofia was her great joy. And Sofia was hers. And Sofia was theirs. The last evidence of what they'd once had. Of what they'd once been. And now Sofia was leaving. Sofia was being taken away. And she was losing her. Would lose her. It was inevitable.
And Sofia was not replaceable.
The trip away was magical. They'd gone to the Magic Kingdom. Seen Mickey and Minnie, Donald and Goofy. Sofia had held her hand in the Haunted House and whispered "Don't be scared, Mama, I'm here." Her daughter had her Mommy's heart. They'd eaten too much ice cream and gotten brain freeze and gone to McDonalds and eaten junk food that Sofia never was normally allowed by either Mother.
They built sandcastles on the beach and splashed each other in the sea. Sofia got to choose where they went and what they did. She laughed until she lost her breath, made Arizona laugh till she cried at her antics. And Arizona pushed the Judge's verdict out of her mind until the second last day when Sofia innocently asked her what her house in New York would look like. Would there be a yard, would Dr de Luca be there too? Could she have a doggie in Arizona's house in New York.
She didn't understand at first. That Arizona wouldn't have a house there. That when she came to visit she would be staying in a Hotel. When Sofia said "Even at the weekends too?" it became clear that Sofia didn't understand. Didn't understand that things were going to be different now. That New York was very far away from Seattle. That Arizona wouldn't be visiting whenever she wanted just whenever she could. That mid week sleepovers were a thing of the past, that every second weekend would become every third month for two or three nights. That she couldn't just say she wanted to see Mama and her Mama would be there. Except on Skype.
And Sofia got upset. And Sofia got angry. And Sofia asked why.
And how could she tell a six year old who adored both her mothers that it was because her Momma was a selfish bitch and her Mama had been a cheating whore and that sometimes the cosmos played massive cruel jokes on good people. How could she tell her little girl who believed in goodness and rainbows and fairytales and joy and love and smiles and laughter that life was cruel and horrible and love was an illusion. How could she tell their little Princess that her mothers had messed up and she was to be collateral damage.
So she didn't. She lied. She told Sofia she would see her more often than she knew to be possible. She told Sofia that nothing would change, not really. She told Sofia that she would love New York. She told Sofia that skypeing would be just like they were in the same room. She told Sofia that she wouldn't miss her because she'd be having so much fun with her Mommy and Penny. That was the one that hurt the most. That was the only one that didn't feel like a lie.
And she assured her that Mama loved her and when Sofia asked her why she couldn't stay in Seattle with her she told her it was because her Mommy would miss her too much. So Sofia asked her if she would miss her too much too. And that's when she had no more answers.
And Sofia had cried a little and then stopped and had gone very very quiet. Way too quiet for a little girl who Sometimes seemed to wake up in mid sentence and was often seen talking in her sleep.
And this was Callie's doing. This was all on Callie. It wasn't enough that she was hurting her. This time she was hurting their perfect little girl. And that was unforgivable. And for what? A "perfect" Penny. A dime a dozen Penny.
In the courtroom she'd been devastated even as the Judge had uttered the words she'd expected to hear since the beginning though she'd hope it would be otherwise.
"I see two loving mothers here, Sofia Torres is a lucky child in so many ways. Both mothers can financially support Sofia, both are excellent mothers, excellent people if the multiple character references are to be believed. It is always regrettable however when parents sit in my court awaiting my decision. A sign that somehow, somewhere along the line the shared respect and communication it takes to raise a child after a breakup has ceased to exist. I am grateful to both of you for the way you have conducted yourselves in my Court. Notwithstanding that harsh things were said and suggested, both of you in your individual testimonies accepted that the other is a good mother. I hope that may indicate that sufficient respect remains between you that it may be used as foundation for you both to rebuild a co-parenting relationship in the future. I have to make a decision here and my decision in no way should be taken to indicate that one mother is somehow less than the other. My decision is all the more difficult for that. I have to decide between two equals.
The Judge's words were kind but her decision fated Arizona to being a visitor in her daughter's life. And a visitor was not a mother. Penny Blake would be more of a mother than Arizona would be now. She would be the one listening to her chatter about school. About how little Johnny or Juan or Sean was her bestest friend who was a boy. How Zola was her bestest friend who was a girl. How there shouldn't be so many words in the world cause it meant she had to learn how to spell all of them even the ones in Spanish. How she wanted to be a Doctor when she got all grown up just like Mama and Mami and her Daddy but was it ok if as well as being a Doctor she was a ballerina too? And worked in an ice cream shop too cause she really really loved ice cream!
And would Penny teach her how to throw a punch if the boys picked on her at her new school? And would Penny explain that knowing how to throw a punch didnt mean she had to throw one every time? Would Penny or Callie teach Sofia how to be "a good man in a storm?" How could they teach her daughter what it meant to be a Robbins? Would Sofia even be a Robbins anymore? After a few months would she even want to be?
After a few months Sofia would still be Sofia but would she still be Mama?
But Arizona was a realist and she knew that in two days she would be watching her daughter walk away from her in the Airport. And she would be there because she had promised Sofia that she would see her off. See her off on the start of a big adventure.
And she would smile and laugh through the pain of this latest loss. Because she was a Mom and that's what you do.
And she would hide her emotions from Sofia because she had to for Sofia's sake. But she didn't have to hide her true feelings from Callie anymore. The days where she hid her pain and anger and resentment deep down to protect Callie were gone. There was no need or desire to protect Callie anymore. She doubted it was possible to hide her anger anyway.
Not this anger. Not this pain. Not this time.
"What Callie? What could you possibly want from me now.You have everything you could possibly take from me already. There is nothing left."
Callie ignored the anger, her own cancelled it out anyway. "You know damn well what! You spent the last two weeks poisoning my daughter against New York! And after I allowed you to take her on holidays, after I felt sorry for you and..."
"Our daughter, Callie! OURS!" The entrance foyer and Atrium had stunning acoustics. So much so that The Seattle State Choir had performed there more than once. It did however mean that sometimes loud conversations carried far and wide and this was one of those times.
Heads on the ground floor looked up to hear the source. On the floor above, near the stairs, two females, Doctors if the scrubs were anything to go by, one Blonde, one Brunette, having a very angry discussion.
Arizona took it down several notches. Her anger didn't cancel out the fact that she was a private person, not normally given to airing her dirty laundry in public.
"Our daughter. And I'm entitled to take her on holidays. According to the Judge. So you didn't allow me out of the kindness of your heart. And unlike you I would never do anything to hurt Sofia so quite frankly, Doctor Torres I no longer give a damn what you think I did or didn't do."
"She was excited about New York and moving in with Penny and now she's ...
"She was excited because you neglected to mention one tiny detail. That her Mama was going to be thousands of miles away."
Callie huffed "I said you could visit anytime, or during holidays or.."
But Arizona wasn't listening. She was done listening to her. To the stranger stood before her who bore a remarkable physical resemblance to her ex-wife. But Arizona had known her ex, known her in a way that only love and intimacy and time brings. This woman? Arizona did not know this woman. She was a stranger. She turned on her right heel and walked away
"I'm talking to you... Don't you dare walk away from me!"
Arizona turned back, too quickly, needing to grab the recessed handrail of the balcony to steady herself. Her voice was lower than Callie's, not audible to those below, but to the others walking along past the pair she could be heard clearly. The venom in her response plain too, "Oh, please! You are the Queen of walking away, you're the one who runs, who bails. Throughout our entire relationship you ran. And now you're running all the way cross country." Arizona shook her head, before adding,disdainfully, "I wonder where you'll run to when you suddenly decide your Perfect Penny isn't so perfect?"
"Leave her out of this!"
******
It was her last day at Grey Sloan Memorial. Tomorrow she would pack up the last of her things and the next day fly to New York.
With her girlfriend.
And her girlfriend's daughter.
And when she said that out loud, like she did a few minutes ago in an empty locker room , well it terrified her. Just a fraction but still. Terrifying.
And exciting. And adventurous. And new. And terrifying.
A year ago she'd been brave, braver than normal for her. A new city, new hospital.A new beginning. Penny Blake didn't have things fall into her lap. Penny Blake was not a woman for whom things came easy. Everything she had she'd got by hard hard work. Including her self belief. She wasn't that person. She wasn't extraordinarily gifted, either physically or academically. She wasn't extraordinarily brave or creative. She wasn't the most outgoing, was never voted most likely to succeed anymore than she was voted most likely to end up doing 10 to 20 in prison. The most extraordinary thing about her, an ex who had broken up with her because they "made better friends than lovers" once said, was her ordinariness.
She was a nice person.A good person. In the right company she could be funny. If she wore her hair down in a loose casual way, with a little makeup, she could be quite pretty. Mostly she wore it up, tied back, taut. It made her look serious, look older than she was. That gave her confidence, at work.
She never expected to meet someone like Callie. Not falling for Callie was never an option. Callie Torres was the stuff of dreams. Gorgeous, confident,brilliant. The shy insecure teenager she once was still lurked inside her though and sometimes she wondered what Callie saw in her. She couldn't quite believe it still, that Callie was hers. It wasn't so long ago that she told Callie she loved her but she could have told her months earlier. And when Callie finally said it back. Wow, just wow.
Of course she'd heard the stories. Of Callie and her ex. 'The golden couple' she overheard a gaggle of gossiping nurses describe them once. And then there was Arizona herself. To say she felt inadequate compared to her was not a sign of insecurity more a statement of fact. The woman was brilliant. The way she operated in miniature was awe inspiring. The way she was pushing the boundaries of Fetal surgery was ground breaking. And of course she was gorgeous. And sweet even if steely at times.
If she hadn't been her girlfriends ex, if Callie wasn't her girlfriend, then she just knew she would have a crush on her. Mind you if every person in the Hospital who crushed on Dr. Robbins stood in line, well the line would go all the way to the Emerald Bar and back.
But Callie was hers now and they were going to New York. A year ago when she came to Seattle she did so so that she could become the best Doctor she could be. As a Doctor she knew she would lose many patients and sometimes it would be down to her. A bad call here, a missed sign there. But she never again wanted to lose a patient because she was not brave enough or good enough. There would be no more Derek Shepherds in her CV.
In applying for the Preminger she was putting her career above all else including her own heart. She knew Callie could not, would not, go and nor would she ask her. She had too many more important attachments here. And there fledgling relationship might not survive.
Yet Callie was going. She'd gone through a custody battle to do just that. Thankfully she had won but it hadn't been easy or pleasant. Some of Callie's lawyers were hellbent on destroying Robbins character. She supposed that was the norm. She didn't know but nonetheless some of it had been distasteful. Robbins had looked beyond devastated at the verdict yet not surprised. Like a woman who had become accustomed to loss.
She and Callie had left the Court room almost immediately. Callie had wanted to celebrate and they had, several times. Just as they left she'd caught a glimpse of the Blonde woman, head in hands, stock still.. Her lawyer patting her back in comfort. Winning was wonderful, she had decided, but winning at someone else's expense, not so great.
She'd just completed her last morning round and was walking in the direction of the Boardroom in the hope of bumping into Callie for a coffee or something. She heard them before she even saw them.
*****
"Leave Penny out of this! Its not about her, This is between me and you."
"She is taking my place, replacing me! So NO! I'm damned if I'm leaving her out of this."
"I knew it, that's what it's been all along, you're jealous..." Callie practically hissed at her, "... The custody hearing, everything, you can't handle that I've moved on and you're ..."
Arizona took two steps forward so she was practically in Callie's face, "You think I'm jealous of Blake?" The laugh that accompanied her words was bitter and disbelieving. "Of all the things I might feel for her that is not one of them! Anger? Yes! I am so angry that she will be playing Mommy with my daughter while I'm 3000 miles away. Distrust? Yes! because I don't know her and a stranger I don't know will be raising my little girl, and that terrifies me but jealousy? No. If anything I pity her."
"What?"
"You love her. You are so in love with her. She's the one. The one you choose to spend your life with, right?" Every syllable dripped with sarcasm. "But what happens when she's no longer making you happy? When she's no longer perfect? When you're not happy?"
Callie shook her head, "What are you..." But Arizona was on a roll now. If this was the last time they ever spoke in any meaningful way then she was going to say her mind. She was not going to be silenced this last time.
"Maybe it will be because you realise your career is in the toilet. Working for a second rate boss in a second rate Hospital. Maybe it will be because Sofia resents you for uprooting her from her life. Maybe it will be because its just too stifling living in a small two bed apartment in the middle of New York. Whatever the reason you'll blame Penny because you sure as hell won' t blame Callie, will you? Yeah I should feel sorry for her because the moment it gets hard it will be all her fault. Suddenly Perfect Penny won't be so perfect and Poor Callie..."
"Stop! I love Penny."
"You don't know the meaning of the word."
Callie pushed her away, Arizona stumbling slightly, "How dare you say that to me?"
Arizona clenched her jaw, "You never loved me."
There it was. The truth. Even after they'd ended, after she tried to make sense of Callie walking away, she always clung to the belief that Calliope had loved her. That she was to blame, her infidelity, her despair and anger after the amputation, her need to have something for her, something good that was just hers. All these things chipped away at Callie's love until the love that was left just wasn't enough. But now she knew the truth. The love she had for her wife did not compare to what Callie felt for her. Callies 'love' wasn't love. Not ever. She'd been right all those years ago. Callie loved being "in love" but that was it.
" How can you..."
"It's true. You love the idea of it but you have no idea what real love is. I loved you so much but you never..."
"Stop saying that!" she pushed her again. This time Arizona stood her ground. "You're the one who..."
"I know what I did. I know everything I did. Do you know what you did? I know who is to blame, Callie. Do you?" Arizona fell silent then, a shake of her head indicating she had nothing left to say. Nothing left to give. She turned away only to be pulled around roughly by the shoulder by Callie.
" I loved you with everything I had, you ruined everything, you ruined me. You ruined love for me, Arizona! I will never love anyone the way I loved you, you made it too hard, impossible, you..."
"You walked away.You ran. That's not love. If you loved me you wouldn't have..."
Callie pushed her again, this time with more force; two hands on her shoulders. Arizona stumbled again just about managing to right herself.
"Stop saying that! I loved..."
"No. You didn't, you couldn't have and then do this."
Something snapped in her at that moment. That's what a Counsellor told her after. That her actions in the next ten seconds were not deliberate, not the result of a decision to hurt, to injure, to... The police had a different version. They said she was fully in charge of her actions,that she wasn't rendered legally insane or incapable. Even if she expressed regret, felt deep remorse that was not a defence. That did not take away her culpability.
"Stop saying that!" And she pushed her again, this time violently so and Arizona only just about managed to stay on her feet as she was pushed backwards. "Callie, stop."
"No! you stop! I loved you. You, just you." And she pushed once more with all her might.
Years later all Callie Torres had to do was close her eyes and she could conjure up the moment with perfect clarity.
Arizona stumbling, falling backwards. The changing looks on her face as realisation dawned. That she was falling backwards, that she had run out of space. Floor met empty space as floor met stairs. Shock, realisation, fear. Arizona's hand thrusting outwards to grab hold of her, of anything at all to prevent the inevitable fall. Her strangled 'Callieeee...' ending only when her head hit solid ground and silence replaced her scream. Her tumble down the steps broken by the feet of two men walking up,one a pyjamas clad patient.
Right now, however, in the moment, nothing was clear. Nothing was real. It was just a horrible blurry nightmare.
"Arizona! No, no no..." She clambered down the steps and ignoring everything she knew about traumas, quickly cradled Arizona in her arms. Blue eyes fluttered open, her mouth opened as if to speak, then her entire body went limp in Callie's arms.
"Arizona! No, no no..." she saw the red viscous liquid forming, beginning to pool on the step. "Help me..." Now she was the one screaming,"...please somebody help my Arizona, please."
Author: Neolithicdream
Pairing/Character: Callie, Arizona.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Arizona lost. And it's a few weeks later. And in a few days Callie will be moving to NewYork with Sofia for their new life. And Arizona will find a way to keep breathing. At least that's the plan.
A/N: I'd like to apologize in advance...
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libellous, defamatory, or in any way factual
"Stop!" Callie had just about caught up to her, on the walk way over the large Public Atrium near the entrance of the Hospital. For a woman with a prosthetic Arizona sure could move fast when needed.
"What Callie? What could you possibly want from me now."
Righteous anger filled her now. The past few weeks, with just her and Sofia, she had de-compartmentalised beautifully. Concentrating on the moment, the precious moments with her gorgeous daughter. Revelling in her infectious laughter, her sunny carefree disposition. She didn't know pain or grief or betrayal. She wished she could protect her from all of that, forever. She knew she couldn't but she'd always thought she'd have more time. That she wouldn't start to lose her little girl just yet.
She thought she'd lose her to adolescence, that the day would come when she'd say, "Mama, don't kiss me in the schoolyard, I'm a big girl now. It's sooo Embarrassing." She thought she'd lose her to some spotty faced undeserving boy who played football or, even worse, the guitar. When she was in Middle school or if she was lucky Junior High. Arizona had never once dreamed she'd lose her because Callie would take her away.
It was the last unbroken promise. All their other promises lay shattered on the road behind them, the road that brought them here. They'd broken every single one. And yet despite that Arizona hadn't seen this coming.
When Callie left she'd thrown herself into her new fellowship. She hadn't fought to save her marriage. She had no fight left in her, so every ounce of energy went jointly into her fellowship and her daughter. It had made the fellowship easier in some ways. She could concentrate without distraction on it when Sofia was with Callie and on her days and weekends Sofia got her full undivided attention. There wasn't a moment in the day to think of what she had lost, of who she had lost, of why she had lost her.
And she still had Sofia, the gorgeous little girl she used to consider her mini-Callie. She didn't think of her in that way anymore. She couldn't. To do so would be to suggest that she still had part of Callie and she knew that wasn't true. Callie was gone. All of her. She had left because she wanted to be free. She had left because she was feeling suffocated by her and her neediness and her failings. And when the woman you needed told you she felt suffocated you couldn't fight that.
Arizona was a pragmatist and a realist and yet she somehow had always managed with all of that to be an optimist. To see the joy. To believe in the impossible. And when she'd met Calliope Torres every cell in her body rejoiced. Theirs had not always been a smooth path but Arizona had always loved her, adored her, worshipped her.
She had sacrificed for her. She had bent. And had never regretted it. The day they married was the happiest of her life. The 412 days after it were her halcyon days. On the 413th day she boarded a small plane.
And her world crashed to earth.
Looking back she didn't understand it. The others had experienced the same horrors but they didn't come back changed. Meredith heard wild animals ravage her dead sisters body but came back still capable of love, of living. Yang's breakdown had been severe but short-lived.
Why her? Why had she been the one to fail? Arizona was not a woman used to failure. And yet she had failed in the most miserable of ways. And all after she had fought so hard to survive on that wooded mountain. It would have been easier to have shut her eyes and succumb slowly to the darkness. But then she'd see those brown eyes. Callie's. And it seemed those eyes suffused her in warmth on that cold mountain. And she imagined what Callie was doing at that exact moment. How she was feeling. Did she think they were all already dead? What kind of pain and turmoil she would be in. And she knew she couldn't succumb to the darkness, not when she had her beloved waiting for her.
And Sofia. That most incredible miraculous little girl. Her little girl. Theirs. No, she could not succumb to the darkness and leave her beautiful girls behind.
Yet in the end, just when the danger and the horror had passed, that's exactly what she did.
Sometimes she hated Callie for not loving her enough to stick with her, other times she wondered why she stayed as long as she did.
She knew she came back different but she knew also that Callie had changed too after the Plane Crash. The unconditional, unchanging love she thought she could depend on from Callie wasn't there. Sometimes it seemed Callie stayed only because of the promises made, sacred vows,in sickness and in health. For better for worse.
As things got better they seemed to get worse. Losing the baby seemed to be one loss too many. A loss she believed she experienced alone.
Nothing justified her actions. Not with Lauren Boswell. Not with Leah Murphy. She would always shoulder the Lion's share for that. Especially Boswell. It was unforgivable. She wouldn't have been able to forgive if Callie had shared her body with someone else. The breaking of that vow surely cancelled out any other broken promise.
Yet for awhile it seemed that Callie had forgiven. She certainly seemed to try but the trust was gone, the tiny fragile threads of their marriage were too weak to withstand much more and they finally broke apart.
Time healed the pain of that final break. She hadn't seen that coming either. Therapy had been brutal, the yelling, the recriminations against past deeds Arizona thought they'd left far behind them. Africa loomed large during therapy, accusations of being abandoned for a grant, of being cast aside for a career were flung about. Now there was an irony if one was looking for one. But at the end of their 30 day separation she had hope.She'd walked in to the therapists office full of hope,like a dead man walking who just didn't know it.
Throughout the aftermath things had been civilised. It had hurt, how little Callie seemed to care, how easy it had been for her to discard them, their history. For a little while she had clung to hope. That Callie would change her mind. That after she'd tasted freedom she'd realise it wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. Long after it was rational to hope, after weeks turned into months and months turned into seasons and seasons into years a tiny vestige of hope remained. It was unspoken, not even to herself.
Then Callie met someone. Callie met her perfect Penny.
And the realist in her put her hopes away and started to plan for a future. She didn't want to meet someone like Callie. There could be no one to replace Calliope Torres in her heart but she could replace her in her bed. Maybe one day she could replace her in her life.
She'd had the great love. Callie had been it for her but she could have someone or more likely maybe a series of someone's. She liked women. She liked women a lot. Always had. So she restarted her life.
She'd had no choice.
But Sofia was her great joy. And Sofia was hers. And Sofia was theirs. The last evidence of what they'd once had. Of what they'd once been. And now Sofia was leaving. Sofia was being taken away. And she was losing her. Would lose her. It was inevitable.
And Sofia was not replaceable.
The trip away was magical. They'd gone to the Magic Kingdom. Seen Mickey and Minnie, Donald and Goofy. Sofia had held her hand in the Haunted House and whispered "Don't be scared, Mama, I'm here." Her daughter had her Mommy's heart. They'd eaten too much ice cream and gotten brain freeze and gone to McDonalds and eaten junk food that Sofia never was normally allowed by either Mother.
They built sandcastles on the beach and splashed each other in the sea. Sofia got to choose where they went and what they did. She laughed until she lost her breath, made Arizona laugh till she cried at her antics. And Arizona pushed the Judge's verdict out of her mind until the second last day when Sofia innocently asked her what her house in New York would look like. Would there be a yard, would Dr de Luca be there too? Could she have a doggie in Arizona's house in New York.
She didn't understand at first. That Arizona wouldn't have a house there. That when she came to visit she would be staying in a Hotel. When Sofia said "Even at the weekends too?" it became clear that Sofia didn't understand. Didn't understand that things were going to be different now. That New York was very far away from Seattle. That Arizona wouldn't be visiting whenever she wanted just whenever she could. That mid week sleepovers were a thing of the past, that every second weekend would become every third month for two or three nights. That she couldn't just say she wanted to see Mama and her Mama would be there. Except on Skype.
And Sofia got upset. And Sofia got angry. And Sofia asked why.
And how could she tell a six year old who adored both her mothers that it was because her Momma was a selfish bitch and her Mama had been a cheating whore and that sometimes the cosmos played massive cruel jokes on good people. How could she tell her little girl who believed in goodness and rainbows and fairytales and joy and love and smiles and laughter that life was cruel and horrible and love was an illusion. How could she tell their little Princess that her mothers had messed up and she was to be collateral damage.
So she didn't. She lied. She told Sofia she would see her more often than she knew to be possible. She told Sofia that nothing would change, not really. She told Sofia that she would love New York. She told Sofia that skypeing would be just like they were in the same room. She told Sofia that she wouldn't miss her because she'd be having so much fun with her Mommy and Penny. That was the one that hurt the most. That was the only one that didn't feel like a lie.
And she assured her that Mama loved her and when Sofia asked her why she couldn't stay in Seattle with her she told her it was because her Mommy would miss her too much. So Sofia asked her if she would miss her too much too. And that's when she had no more answers.
And Sofia had cried a little and then stopped and had gone very very quiet. Way too quiet for a little girl who Sometimes seemed to wake up in mid sentence and was often seen talking in her sleep.
And this was Callie's doing. This was all on Callie. It wasn't enough that she was hurting her. This time she was hurting their perfect little girl. And that was unforgivable. And for what? A "perfect" Penny. A dime a dozen Penny.
In the courtroom she'd been devastated even as the Judge had uttered the words she'd expected to hear since the beginning though she'd hope it would be otherwise.
"I see two loving mothers here, Sofia Torres is a lucky child in so many ways. Both mothers can financially support Sofia, both are excellent mothers, excellent people if the multiple character references are to be believed. It is always regrettable however when parents sit in my court awaiting my decision. A sign that somehow, somewhere along the line the shared respect and communication it takes to raise a child after a breakup has ceased to exist. I am grateful to both of you for the way you have conducted yourselves in my Court. Notwithstanding that harsh things were said and suggested, both of you in your individual testimonies accepted that the other is a good mother. I hope that may indicate that sufficient respect remains between you that it may be used as foundation for you both to rebuild a co-parenting relationship in the future. I have to make a decision here and my decision in no way should be taken to indicate that one mother is somehow less than the other. My decision is all the more difficult for that. I have to decide between two equals.
The Judge's words were kind but her decision fated Arizona to being a visitor in her daughter's life. And a visitor was not a mother. Penny Blake would be more of a mother than Arizona would be now. She would be the one listening to her chatter about school. About how little Johnny or Juan or Sean was her bestest friend who was a boy. How Zola was her bestest friend who was a girl. How there shouldn't be so many words in the world cause it meant she had to learn how to spell all of them even the ones in Spanish. How she wanted to be a Doctor when she got all grown up just like Mama and Mami and her Daddy but was it ok if as well as being a Doctor she was a ballerina too? And worked in an ice cream shop too cause she really really loved ice cream!
And would Penny teach her how to throw a punch if the boys picked on her at her new school? And would Penny explain that knowing how to throw a punch didnt mean she had to throw one every time? Would Penny or Callie teach Sofia how to be "a good man in a storm?" How could they teach her daughter what it meant to be a Robbins? Would Sofia even be a Robbins anymore? After a few months would she even want to be?
After a few months Sofia would still be Sofia but would she still be Mama?
But Arizona was a realist and she knew that in two days she would be watching her daughter walk away from her in the Airport. And she would be there because she had promised Sofia that she would see her off. See her off on the start of a big adventure.
And she would smile and laugh through the pain of this latest loss. Because she was a Mom and that's what you do.
And she would hide her emotions from Sofia because she had to for Sofia's sake. But she didn't have to hide her true feelings from Callie anymore. The days where she hid her pain and anger and resentment deep down to protect Callie were gone. There was no need or desire to protect Callie anymore. She doubted it was possible to hide her anger anyway.
Not this anger. Not this pain. Not this time.
"What Callie? What could you possibly want from me now.You have everything you could possibly take from me already. There is nothing left."
Callie ignored the anger, her own cancelled it out anyway. "You know damn well what! You spent the last two weeks poisoning my daughter against New York! And after I allowed you to take her on holidays, after I felt sorry for you and..."
"Our daughter, Callie! OURS!" The entrance foyer and Atrium had stunning acoustics. So much so that The Seattle State Choir had performed there more than once. It did however mean that sometimes loud conversations carried far and wide and this was one of those times.
Heads on the ground floor looked up to hear the source. On the floor above, near the stairs, two females, Doctors if the scrubs were anything to go by, one Blonde, one Brunette, having a very angry discussion.
Arizona took it down several notches. Her anger didn't cancel out the fact that she was a private person, not normally given to airing her dirty laundry in public.
"Our daughter. And I'm entitled to take her on holidays. According to the Judge. So you didn't allow me out of the kindness of your heart. And unlike you I would never do anything to hurt Sofia so quite frankly, Doctor Torres I no longer give a damn what you think I did or didn't do."
"She was excited about New York and moving in with Penny and now she's ...
"She was excited because you neglected to mention one tiny detail. That her Mama was going to be thousands of miles away."
Callie huffed "I said you could visit anytime, or during holidays or.."
But Arizona wasn't listening. She was done listening to her. To the stranger stood before her who bore a remarkable physical resemblance to her ex-wife. But Arizona had known her ex, known her in a way that only love and intimacy and time brings. This woman? Arizona did not know this woman. She was a stranger. She turned on her right heel and walked away
"I'm talking to you... Don't you dare walk away from me!"
Arizona turned back, too quickly, needing to grab the recessed handrail of the balcony to steady herself. Her voice was lower than Callie's, not audible to those below, but to the others walking along past the pair she could be heard clearly. The venom in her response plain too, "Oh, please! You are the Queen of walking away, you're the one who runs, who bails. Throughout our entire relationship you ran. And now you're running all the way cross country." Arizona shook her head, before adding,disdainfully, "I wonder where you'll run to when you suddenly decide your Perfect Penny isn't so perfect?"
"Leave her out of this!"
******
It was her last day at Grey Sloan Memorial. Tomorrow she would pack up the last of her things and the next day fly to New York.
With her girlfriend.
And her girlfriend's daughter.
And when she said that out loud, like she did a few minutes ago in an empty locker room , well it terrified her. Just a fraction but still. Terrifying.
And exciting. And adventurous. And new. And terrifying.
A year ago she'd been brave, braver than normal for her. A new city, new hospital.A new beginning. Penny Blake didn't have things fall into her lap. Penny Blake was not a woman for whom things came easy. Everything she had she'd got by hard hard work. Including her self belief. She wasn't that person. She wasn't extraordinarily gifted, either physically or academically. She wasn't extraordinarily brave or creative. She wasn't the most outgoing, was never voted most likely to succeed anymore than she was voted most likely to end up doing 10 to 20 in prison. The most extraordinary thing about her, an ex who had broken up with her because they "made better friends than lovers" once said, was her ordinariness.
She was a nice person.A good person. In the right company she could be funny. If she wore her hair down in a loose casual way, with a little makeup, she could be quite pretty. Mostly she wore it up, tied back, taut. It made her look serious, look older than she was. That gave her confidence, at work.
She never expected to meet someone like Callie. Not falling for Callie was never an option. Callie Torres was the stuff of dreams. Gorgeous, confident,brilliant. The shy insecure teenager she once was still lurked inside her though and sometimes she wondered what Callie saw in her. She couldn't quite believe it still, that Callie was hers. It wasn't so long ago that she told Callie she loved her but she could have told her months earlier. And when Callie finally said it back. Wow, just wow.
Of course she'd heard the stories. Of Callie and her ex. 'The golden couple' she overheard a gaggle of gossiping nurses describe them once. And then there was Arizona herself. To say she felt inadequate compared to her was not a sign of insecurity more a statement of fact. The woman was brilliant. The way she operated in miniature was awe inspiring. The way she was pushing the boundaries of Fetal surgery was ground breaking. And of course she was gorgeous. And sweet even if steely at times.
If she hadn't been her girlfriends ex, if Callie wasn't her girlfriend, then she just knew she would have a crush on her. Mind you if every person in the Hospital who crushed on Dr. Robbins stood in line, well the line would go all the way to the Emerald Bar and back.
But Callie was hers now and they were going to New York. A year ago when she came to Seattle she did so so that she could become the best Doctor she could be. As a Doctor she knew she would lose many patients and sometimes it would be down to her. A bad call here, a missed sign there. But she never again wanted to lose a patient because she was not brave enough or good enough. There would be no more Derek Shepherds in her CV.
In applying for the Preminger she was putting her career above all else including her own heart. She knew Callie could not, would not, go and nor would she ask her. She had too many more important attachments here. And there fledgling relationship might not survive.
Yet Callie was going. She'd gone through a custody battle to do just that. Thankfully she had won but it hadn't been easy or pleasant. Some of Callie's lawyers were hellbent on destroying Robbins character. She supposed that was the norm. She didn't know but nonetheless some of it had been distasteful. Robbins had looked beyond devastated at the verdict yet not surprised. Like a woman who had become accustomed to loss.
She and Callie had left the Court room almost immediately. Callie had wanted to celebrate and they had, several times. Just as they left she'd caught a glimpse of the Blonde woman, head in hands, stock still.. Her lawyer patting her back in comfort. Winning was wonderful, she had decided, but winning at someone else's expense, not so great.
She'd just completed her last morning round and was walking in the direction of the Boardroom in the hope of bumping into Callie for a coffee or something. She heard them before she even saw them.
*****
"Leave Penny out of this! Its not about her, This is between me and you."
"She is taking my place, replacing me! So NO! I'm damned if I'm leaving her out of this."
"I knew it, that's what it's been all along, you're jealous..." Callie practically hissed at her, "... The custody hearing, everything, you can't handle that I've moved on and you're ..."
Arizona took two steps forward so she was practically in Callie's face, "You think I'm jealous of Blake?" The laugh that accompanied her words was bitter and disbelieving. "Of all the things I might feel for her that is not one of them! Anger? Yes! I am so angry that she will be playing Mommy with my daughter while I'm 3000 miles away. Distrust? Yes! because I don't know her and a stranger I don't know will be raising my little girl, and that terrifies me but jealousy? No. If anything I pity her."
"What?"
"You love her. You are so in love with her. She's the one. The one you choose to spend your life with, right?" Every syllable dripped with sarcasm. "But what happens when she's no longer making you happy? When she's no longer perfect? When you're not happy?"
Callie shook her head, "What are you..." But Arizona was on a roll now. If this was the last time they ever spoke in any meaningful way then she was going to say her mind. She was not going to be silenced this last time.
"Maybe it will be because you realise your career is in the toilet. Working for a second rate boss in a second rate Hospital. Maybe it will be because Sofia resents you for uprooting her from her life. Maybe it will be because its just too stifling living in a small two bed apartment in the middle of New York. Whatever the reason you'll blame Penny because you sure as hell won' t blame Callie, will you? Yeah I should feel sorry for her because the moment it gets hard it will be all her fault. Suddenly Perfect Penny won't be so perfect and Poor Callie..."
"Stop! I love Penny."
"You don't know the meaning of the word."
Callie pushed her away, Arizona stumbling slightly, "How dare you say that to me?"
Arizona clenched her jaw, "You never loved me."
There it was. The truth. Even after they'd ended, after she tried to make sense of Callie walking away, she always clung to the belief that Calliope had loved her. That she was to blame, her infidelity, her despair and anger after the amputation, her need to have something for her, something good that was just hers. All these things chipped away at Callie's love until the love that was left just wasn't enough. But now she knew the truth. The love she had for her wife did not compare to what Callie felt for her. Callies 'love' wasn't love. Not ever. She'd been right all those years ago. Callie loved being "in love" but that was it.
" How can you..."
"It's true. You love the idea of it but you have no idea what real love is. I loved you so much but you never..."
"Stop saying that!" she pushed her again. This time Arizona stood her ground. "You're the one who..."
"I know what I did. I know everything I did. Do you know what you did? I know who is to blame, Callie. Do you?" Arizona fell silent then, a shake of her head indicating she had nothing left to say. Nothing left to give. She turned away only to be pulled around roughly by the shoulder by Callie.
" I loved you with everything I had, you ruined everything, you ruined me. You ruined love for me, Arizona! I will never love anyone the way I loved you, you made it too hard, impossible, you..."
"You walked away.You ran. That's not love. If you loved me you wouldn't have..."
Callie pushed her again, this time with more force; two hands on her shoulders. Arizona stumbled again just about managing to right herself.
"Stop saying that! I loved..."
"No. You didn't, you couldn't have and then do this."
Something snapped in her at that moment. That's what a Counsellor told her after. That her actions in the next ten seconds were not deliberate, not the result of a decision to hurt, to injure, to... The police had a different version. They said she was fully in charge of her actions,that she wasn't rendered legally insane or incapable. Even if she expressed regret, felt deep remorse that was not a defence. That did not take away her culpability.
"Stop saying that!" And she pushed her again, this time violently so and Arizona only just about managed to stay on her feet as she was pushed backwards. "Callie, stop."
"No! you stop! I loved you. You, just you." And she pushed once more with all her might.
Years later all Callie Torres had to do was close her eyes and she could conjure up the moment with perfect clarity.
Arizona stumbling, falling backwards. The changing looks on her face as realisation dawned. That she was falling backwards, that she had run out of space. Floor met empty space as floor met stairs. Shock, realisation, fear. Arizona's hand thrusting outwards to grab hold of her, of anything at all to prevent the inevitable fall. Her strangled 'Callieeee...' ending only when her head hit solid ground and silence replaced her scream. Her tumble down the steps broken by the feet of two men walking up,one a pyjamas clad patient.
Right now, however, in the moment, nothing was clear. Nothing was real. It was just a horrible blurry nightmare.
"Arizona! No, no no..." She clambered down the steps and ignoring everything she knew about traumas, quickly cradled Arizona in her arms. Blue eyes fluttered open, her mouth opened as if to speak, then her entire body went limp in Callie's arms.
"Arizona! No, no no..." she saw the red viscous liquid forming, beginning to pool on the step. "Help me..." Now she was the one screaming,"...please somebody help my Arizona, please."