Wiped Clean 2 / 3
Title: Wiped Clean 2/3
Author: Neolithicdream
Pairing/Character: Calzona
Rating: PG-13
Summary: This is just a prequel to a post Season 9 story I wrote called "Forgive, forget, forever" It's probably best ( if not essential) to read that before this as most of what this prequel contains is hinted at or best explained in the original story. The original story is set 10 years after the end of Season 9 , this first prequel ( there is a possibility of another shorter one to follow) is set about ( a little less than ) 2 years after the finale.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libellous, defamatory, or in any way factual
"Arizona..." Callie's voice remained soft yet filled with sad reproach as she made her presence belatedly known. Entering the room fully, her silent question to Mary was met with reassurances that her wife was doing well and, while not yet fully dilated, was progressing faster now. The grey haired woman made excuses about checking some equipment as she left the room.
"Arizona,look at me..." But her wife's eyes were fixed on the floor, her head shaking until a contraction caused her to involuntarily look up, tear-filled blues meeting crying brown. Callie, by reflex, grasped Arizona's hand and just as instinctively Arizona met the grip and tightened it. When it eased from excruciating to just painful and Arizona's face relaxed a hint Callie seized her moment. Her hand cupped Arizona's face, in a gesture of comfort that also made Arizona a captive audience.
"...you promised..."
Her wife nodded, guiltily.
"I wouldn't have agreed to this if you hadn't promised."
Blue eyes clamped shut as a shaky and barely audible "I'm sorry." was all Arizona could manage before adding an even shakier "I'm trying."
"Not good enough, why can't you just...I have, why won't you forgive yourself?"
Before Arizona could respond Callie spoke again. "Damn it, Arizona, I didn't want this a second time. I told you that..." She tried not to let it show but the old frustration was audible nonetheless, "...when you first started talking about another baby,I told you that I didn't want a baby as some kind of compensation package for..."
"He's not, I swear."
"I didn't need you to do this to earn my forgiveness, I had already..."
"I didn't!"
But either Callie wasn't hearing or she wasn't listening.
"Isn't it enough that Sofia was conceived by mistake out of...of loneliness and sadness, I wanted this baby to be conceived out of love and...not because of your mistake or your stupid guilt and..."
"He wasn't, she wa..."Arizona gulped in air as her pain levels ratcheted up again.
Arizona's grasp on Callie's hand tightened, suddenly an old fear taking residence again. But this time the fear fed her resolve to fight not flee, not that fleeing was a practical option for a woman in labour anyway.
"Listen to me, ok?"
Callie nodded silently then waited till Arizona dealt with yet more physical pain until her breathing regulated enough to allow speech.
"Sofia was conceived out of love, she wasn't a mistake..." She shook her head as if to negate the very notion. Maybe Sofia wasn't really the issue at hand right now but still Arizona wasn't letting anyone, not even her own Mami, cast aspersions on their daughter. "... maybe not romantic love but you and Mark, there was love."
Callie nodded, trying to hide the smile that always came when Arizona proved her own early misgivings about her parental skills wrong.
"And this baby, he's all about love, just love, ok?"
Callie stayed silent.
"I just get scared sometimes, ok? I have... you needed me to forgive myself and I have, most of the time. Its just..." Arizona waited for the pain to subside, using the time to find the right words, the words to make her wife understand. There had been so many words, so many conversations after the storm passed. For so long all they'd shared were words, angry ones, anguished ones. Words of sorrow and of hurt. How was it possible, that after all those words, there were yet more needed.
An infinite number of words.
"...you keep forgiving me and giving me another chance and I keep...calling it wrong and..and I think I must be out of chances by now and..." Her eyes closed in an involuntary grimace of pain "...I'm scared that l'll say something or do something and well it will be the last straw and... you'll realize it's not...I'm not worth... and..." a moan of pain swallowed up her words.
"No." Came Callie's definite reply.
"No?" Arizona's response was teary and confused.
"No." The repeated word was softer this time as Callie accompanied it with a gentle kiss on Arizona's clammy forehead.
Mary had returned, silently checking both adult and foetal heartbeats. She'd stayed away as long as possible but whatever issues the two women were trashing out they'd have to continue with her, the welfare of her two patients, mother and child took precedence.
Arizona didn't understand. She was exhausted; the pain constant now, a monotonous ache broken up only by increasingly longer bouts of toe curling agony. Her own low, almost animalistic, groaning acting as a soundtrack to her inner thoughts. Random thoughts vying for her attention.
When would this agony be done? How could she be sure that Callie had truly forgiven her. How,and dear God, why did some women give birth over and over again. What if the baby came out all messed up? What the hell was the baby doing - it felt like he was ripping her apart with a machete from the inside out! What if she couldn't love him like she loved Sofia? How on earth did Callie not like her amazing sock? why did Callie stay? What if Callie was the one who had strayed, could she have forgiven that?
Callie. Calliope. Her miraculous wife.
Her Calliope, who was shaking her head and repeating the one word. No.
"No, you are worth it. You are worth everything."
She heard the words,and she had no doubts, not really, but she was just so tired. Maybe it was the physical exhaustion that was feeding her emotional exhaustion.
"I can't...I can't do this..." Clinging on tightly now, her face buried into her wife's shoulder, "I ..."
Callie's and Mary's reassurances came simultaneously. "You're doing just fine, Dr..uhm.. Arizona." "I'm so, so proud of you ,honey" but Arizona continued as if she had heard neither, "...I can't do this without you, any of this."
"Oh, honey, you're not...I promise, as long as there is a single breath left in my body, you won't have to..." the earnestness in Callie's voice could not be faked "...I'm not going anywhere."
Arizona's face crumpled in pain, in relief, in realization, in acceptance; she nodded frantically in reply crying out "Me neither."
A brief silence was quickly broken by another groan, another scream escaping Arizona's lips before, grabbing the tube and mask at her mouth, she breathed in deeply again, exhaling slowly to buy some relief.
Callie smiled sympathetically, not even grimacing when Arizona's grip tightened on her hand even further. If Arizona could go through what seemed, even to Callie, an interminable labour, she could put up with a little deep tissue bruising to her cutting hand. The pain would all be forgotten once their baby was here.
Forgotten.
To forget.
To forgive and forget.
It seemed obvious right now, blindingly so.
"The Beatles got it wrong." Callie said simply.
Their midwife paused briefly in her ministrations then continued what she was doing. It wasn't the strangest thing she'd heard a partner say in the birthing suite, not by a long shot. Nor the most obvious either it had to be said.
Arizona sucked a little too vigorously on her gas and air tube, unable to reply other than by a quizzical and somewhat pained look.
"Love is not all you need!" Callie sounded almost indignant at the Fab Four's foolishness. "If love was all you needed...." She shook her head "... we'd never ever, ever have had problems!"
"Ok?" Arizona managed to gasp out before succumbing yet again to the pains racking her every cell now. Surreally wondering to herself why now, of all times, her wife was revealing an interest in 'Lennon and McCartney' lyrics.
Callie was oblivious to any confusion. "We've always loved each other,always."
Arizona smiled despite herself. That was the truest statement ever. Even in the darkest of days, the love was there. Sometime's hidden, sometimes denied, but always there.
But Callie was on a roll now, "... Love is the minimum you need. The bare minimum. You also need patience and compromise...and ..and understanding. And forgiveness."
Arizona nodded furiously, gripping Callie's wrist now as if she'd never let her go.
"But love and forgiveness ....it's not enough!"
Arizona's eyes opened wide at these last words even as another involuntary groan escaped from her. If Callie was trying to distract her from the pain of childbirth it wasn't working but nonetheless she had her attention.
"We need forgetness too." Callie nodded at Arizona as if they had just agreed on the subject.
Using her free hand, Arizona removed her mask and tube just long enough to gasp out "What?" followed by "Is that even a word?"
"A clean slate....that's what we need, a clean slate, okay...it's not enough to forgive, we have to forget..."
~~~~~~
Callie knew they both needed that. They had both made mistakes, big ones, small ones. Arizona's mistakes might, to some eyes, seem bigger, more obvious but Callie knew her mistakes had contributed to her wife's. Knew that hers too were invidious in their own way.
That knowledge went a long way in helping her forgive, that and the knowledge that Arizona's actions while voluntary had underlying causes too. And those causes her wife had little control over; causes that had existed but had been ignored by both in their mutual but unspoken desire to turn back time.
Their biggest mistake a shared one, a failure to communicate. A need to brush the problems under the carpet, to ignore in the hope they would disappear.
Failure born out of fear.
A fear of losing a love so cherished, so needed. A fear that almost became self-fulfilling.
When it was good between them, as it usually was, it was so good, so perfect that neither could imagine anything could part them. When things started to go awry Callie's fears of being left, abandoned came to the fore. Offense became the best form of Defense. And Arizona, herself beset by fears, herself a poor communicator when it counted, invariably took the bait.
Their combined flaws contributed to two break ups, one heartbreaking but mutual, the other cruel and devastating.
But love had conquered all.
The plane crash, the promises both broken and kept; the amputated leg, the inability to listen to words that could not be spoken. The ultimate betrayal.
Their love, finally,had met its match.
Their love had finally been defeated.
All the tears, all the talk. All the counselling.
It wasn't enough.
Callie shuddered at the memory of that night. The night when she put them both out of their collective misery. Arizona had made it clear she wanted to reconcile. Made it clear she could not have been sorrier, made it clear she still loved her wife more than anything.
AND Callie had tried.
Tried and failed.
~~~~~~~
A heated joint counselling session had ended with an angry plea. "What do you want Callie? Whatever you want, please? Tell me and I'll do it?"
Arizona had left shortly after that. It had taken a while to track her down but finally later that evening, at dusk, Callie had found her, sitting on their bench, in their park.
"I want...I want this to be over..." Callie spoke lowly, no malice left, just sadness. She had prayed for forgiveness to come but it hadn't, "...I can't forgive you, Arizona."
"I know." Arizona spoke in a resigned whisper. And , again, after a long pause, "I still love you."
A heavy silence descended. Both knew this was the end. Both stayed, lost in the sadness of it all.
"I'll start looking for somewhere new to live tomorrow...it's not good for either of us, me to be living across the hall....it's confusing for Sofia too." Arizona's voice so low that Callie had to strain to hear though she was barely two feet away.
They had stayed there in silence for a while, Arizona seated, Callie standing to the side. Neither quite ready to be done.
Done.
Over.
Ended.
Forever.
Callie was the first to move, shuffling from one foot to the other, "I should be going...I'm..." She felt guilty now. As if she was the one ending it. As if she was the one breaking her wife's heart. As if she was the one to blame.
"It's okay...I..." Arizona could hear the guilt in Callie's voice, a guilt her wife had not earned "...I can't forgive either."
Callie remembered,as she sat beside her wife's bed, her hand aching as Arizona squeezed incessantly on it, just how she had reacted to those words.
"Damn you,Arizona, I never did anything wrong...I never...all I did was..." Her anger flared up so quickly giving the lie to her belief that she no longer cared all that much, about Arizona, about her misplaced blame. About her damn leg.
"I meant myself..." Arizona just cut her off, her voice steady, almost devoid of emotion "...I can't forgive me either."
"Oh."
She had left shortly after that.
Just turned and left.
Left the woman she thought she'd spend the rest of her life with behind.
Left her alone.
Walked away alone.
Alone.
She had intended to drive away but something had held her back. She could see Arizona's car in the lower part of the carpark. She told herself she was just waiting to see her get in and drive away safely, as you would with any single female in a public place after dusk.
Waited.
5 minutes. Then 10. Then 30. By the hour mark she was walking back into the now dark Park, a full moon the only source of light. Striding quickly to find Arizona. To drag her stupid ass out of the Park. It was a nice neighborhood but still not a place for a woman alone at night. Annoyed at Arizona for putting herself in danger, annoyed even more at herself for still caring.
Stupid stupid selfish woman.
It was deserted and, as the moon scurried behind a cloud, now very dark. Without the sounds she'd have struggled to find her, slumped on the ground, only a few feet from their bench. Prostrate on the ground, a low moan, a continuous wail alerting her presence.
Like an animal in pain. A wounded animal.
She'd clearly been lying there for some time.
Just lying there, in the dirt, crying, defeated.
"Arizona?"
The prone woman just shook her head, "No."
"Arizona, you have to go home, get up...you can't stay..."
But her wife just shook her head, "I'm not your problem anymore....just go, please, just go."
"Fine."
Callie had huffed and walked away again. Telling herself Arizona was right, she wasn't her problem anymore. Convincing herself it was true even as she tried to drown out the sounds of her wife crying. People talked about hitting rock bottom all the time. Maybe that's what was happening to Arizona right now but it wasn't her problem, she wasn't her wife, they weren't anything.
There was no them anymore, in truth there hadn't been a them for sometime.
As she walked away some animal rustled in the dark, probably a harmless squirrel and an owl hooted in response. Typical wooded parkland noises.
Nothing at all really but it was the catalyst for the most terrifying moments of Callie's life.
Arizona's screams caused Callie's blood to run cold as she sprinted back towards her stricken wife. Not knowing what could have happened in the moments since she had left her, the moon chose that very moment to reappear from behind the clouds, bathing her wife in a ghostly hue. Arizona was sitting up now, her arms wrapped tightly around her waist, eyes open wide, a look of abject terror adorning her face.
"Cristina!" Arizona screamed, " where are you? Meredith! Don't leave me on my own, please don't give up on me, not yet?"
Callie rushed to kneel beside her, shaking aside her own confusion at Arizona's words. "I'm here, Arizona, it's me..."
Arizona stared right at her, piercing blue eyes seemed to penetrate her soul, "Cristina....I thought you'd left, please don't..."
"Arizona, it's me Callie..." But her wife was clearly not present. Instead, it was becoming clear, she had been transported to another dark place, to another time. A time in the past, a time that they had never spoken of in any depth.
"Please don't leave me..not till I've..." Arizona grabbed the lapels of Callie's jacket "...promise you'll tell Callie I fought.. That I tried so hard not to die, promise me?"
Callie just nodded, fear gripped her heart, but,as she saw the pain, the fear in Arizona's eyes, she too felt transported back, back to the days while they waited and searched for a missing plane and its passengers.
" I'm scared, I don't want to die...but it hurts so bad..."
"You're not..."
"...I need to see Calliope one more time, I just want to see her, tell her she's everything to me, how much I love her and Sofia...." She buried her head in Callie's chest and sobbed uncontrollably.
"Arizona, you're okay, we found..."
But clearly her wife could not hear her, "Cristina, keep the animals away from me, after I'm, ya know, please, if you can..."
Callie looked at her in horror and Arizona answered her, clearly her mind still on the mountain, "Cristina, My Dad used to make us go camping as kids..." She laughed, almost hysterically,"... I always hated it....but I can recognize the sounds, the noises, I know the wolves were fighting over Lexie...tearing her apart and...I don't want that for Callie and not for my parents. Timothy had a closed coffin cause the IED had...I want them to be able to say goodbye properly to at least one of us and..."
Callie fought back the violent urge to empty her stomach of its contents, she had not heard this, any of this. All she could think of, apart from the images that Arizona's words were now conjuring up, was that Arizona had been right. On the night of the storm. She hadn't been been on that mountain. She hadn't been in the crash. Arizona's experience had not been hers.
She hadn't lost anything.
Not even her wife. For Arizona was still here. Damaged, different but here. They had a choice, she had a choice. She had chosen to walk away, to not forgive just as Arizona had chosen not to get help, not to engage, to let another woman touch her.
But they still had a choice, they were still both here.
Not like Lexie, not like Mark.
They were still here and they had a choice.
A choice to forgive. A choice to stay. A choice to fight.
"...promise me you'll stay alive, Cristina.... They're going to find us, you have to survive...and, tell Callie I ..." but Arizona was spent and burst into tears.
Time passed, Arizona clung on to Callie and at some point reality intruded into her jumbled brain once more.
"Calliope?"
"It's okay, you're okay...we're okay..."
She'd brought Arizona home,clearly still shaken,not trusting her to drive. Arizona had uttered not another word, lost in her own thoughts. Leaving her at the door of 501, Callie had let herself into their old Apartment. Looking around one last time she saw Arizona still just standing there. staring at Mark's old door, key in hand. Lost.
"I still love you too."
Five simple words but they were all Callie could think of to say.
~~~~~~~~
It had been the beginning of the long way back. It turned out that forgiveness didn't just happen as if by magic, it had to be an active decision to forgive. A decision that had to be taken over and over and over until the decision became fact. Until forgiveness was a reality.