Good man in a storm 1/1
Title: Good man in a storm
Author: Neolithicdream
Pairing/Character: Calzona
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Just a possibility for the finale
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libellous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
A/N 1:Please don't read this if you are spoiler free.
A/N 2: I'm writing this as a cathartic exercise, how sad is that? I have no idea if its any good (i suspect notbreally)or if it bears any resemblance to what might happen in the next few eps ( i hope not) all I know is last year I got total writers block once the speculation about something bad happening to Az began and I never could get back to those fics, and now I can't imagine finishing the one I started a few months ago for the same reason. So here goes nothing.....
A/N 3: I was tempted to call this The Tempest but realised a certain Mr. Shakespeare would be turning in his grave if I did.
It had been the biggest storm to hit the Pacific North west since meteorological records began. That's what the, still, perfectly presented TV Anchorwoman on the Local network was saying.
Arizona stared impassively as the News report unfolded on the large screen in the foyer. The large screen that had required a three hour meeting and a vote of the Board to have installed. At least that's how she recalled it. Her wife had assured her that, no, the decision on the TV was taken in minutes; it was the colors on the new Hospital logo or on the coffee holders or the Dermatology nurses scrubs that had taken all that time. All she knew was she had felt less like a world class Peds surgeon and more like a low grade operative in a PR company that day. That day, that meeting; so many days, so many meeting, so many moments. Moments when she no longer recognised herself, who she was, who she had been.
So many moments, so many days. since the takeover. Since the Compensation. Since the crash, since the amputation.
Since those four nights on a mountainside in the Cascades. Since the real Arizona Robbins perished leaving a shell of a woman behind. The shell she had tried so hard to fill,as she tried so hard to be a fake Arizona. Tried so hard she had almost convinced herself she was real. Today she knew she had failed. Today she knew she was not the person she was raised to be.
"...and now we go to our correspondent on the ground at SeaTac where several large jets have been damaged..." She was listening and watching the Broadcast unfold, documenting the worst excesses of the so-called "Seattle Super-storm". Listening and watching but not really hearing or seeing.
After all she had lived through it, the worst of it hitting after dark, as so often was the case. The electricity grid was one of the first casualties, then the massive explosion only a block away. She had yet to know if their home had been spared any damage.
She laughed sardonically.
There was so much wrong with that sentence.
Home.
Theirs.
Damaged.
Truth was, it was probably destroyed.
By the storm.
Or was about to be.
"Arizona, Arizona, ARIZONA!!!" It was the near yell from her wife that aroused her from her thoughts, just in time to see Callie rushing to embrace her. Not enough time to avoid it, the all embracing hug, those hugs that once she thought could make everything better, keep everything safe.
Back when nothing else mattered.
Back when she was awesome and Calliope was miraculous.
Before the storm.
The storm that downed their plane, the storm that took it all.
"... I've been looking for you ever since the power came back on, I mean I knew you were in the NICU and then the OR....I knew you were safe but....I just needed to see you..." Callie pulled away for just a second, as if to confirm she was really there, really ok ".....what a night, what a storm."
"You... You were out there, in it... You, you're ok?" She asked, even though she could clearly see Callie was fine, even though it felt like someone else was actually doing the asking. Not her, not Arizona Robbins, wife of Dr. Calliope Torres. In a way it was someone else.
"I'm great, I'm .....and I talked to your Mama and the Colonel and Sofia is fine...God, I'm so glad they persuaded us to let her go to Chicago with them...." Callie spoke in an adrenalin fueled rush "...but you probably phoned them already, I got through as soon as the Network was up again....
She hadn't. What kind of a mother doesn't remember to check in with her child?
"Oh God, what a night....and you, I heard what you did...oh my God..."
For a moment, or half a moment, it stirred her from her stupor...How could Callie know...had Boswell? ...but no she had seen her leave, an hour ago, when she had come to say goodbye. She had managed to get a Rental and was going to drive her way out of the State as it didnt look like the Airports would be functional for days. She had said goodbye, in that sexy soft way of hers, a half smirk half rueful smile on her face "...bye Doctor Arizona Robbins, I hope our paths cross again..."
And then she was gone.
Just like the storm.
Devastation left behind.
But Callie was beaming with pride "... I'm married to a freaking Rockstar, Doctor Arizona Magyver Robbins..." 3 surgeries with torches, epidurals and you!!! And you kept everyone together, you are amazing, you know that, completely awesome..."
This time she had advance warning and managed to squirm out of the way. It was hard enough to hear the words without heaving, she could not bear to actually feel her wife's love right now.
Even if it were her last chance to so do.
"Arizona?" For the first time she looked at her and was horrified at the sight. Her wife looked shattered, bewildered, shell shocked almost.
"Honey, you're exhausted, you can leave now right? No,you are leaving, I'm taking you home..." That's when she remembered, the explosion,the fire,their Apartment block.
"Oh God..." Said simultaneously with Arizona's whispered "Home.." And a barely noticeable shake of her head. She spoke lowly, carefully, "You know what happened, right? Our apartment is..destroyed...all our stuff is ...lost, gone...." She said it quietly, not certain if Arizona knew, or...even understood what she was saying..."
Arizona repeated the words almost robotically "....destroyed...gone....over"
Suddenly, she reached up and stroked Callie's cheek ,murmuring, as if in awe "...you have the most beautiful eyes, Calliope...a person could drown in them..."
" Arizona, I need to get you some sleep, I need to get me some too..." Callie tried to keep her tone light but there was something about the way her wife was looking at her that terrified her, a vacant yet haunted look... It reminded her of that time, after the crash, when she seemed less her wife and more a shell.
Arizona smiled at her, a gentle smile and yet it seemed otherworldly somehow. Present yet not. There but gone. Arizona was suddenly dragging them towards the main exit as if suddenly filled with a purpose to be gone.
" Our best bet is to stay here, commandeer an on call room; we can't go home and we won't get a Hotel room for love or money."
"I have a room at 'The Archfield' " was Arizona's cryptic response. It was several blocks away, walked in silence. Callie told herself it was the exhaustion, Her wife's feats today in the Hospital would go down in the legend of that building. Not to mention the sheer physical demands of wearing her prosthetic for far longer than was good for her. She slowed her pace to keep time with her. Every step she took nearer to the hotel seemed to drain Arizona ten times more than the last. In the elevator she sank against its walls in surrender.
"Honey?"
Arizona said nothing , her eyes dull ; Callie was worried now. The day had been incredibly stressful, the Hospital had been plunged into darkness on several occasions, the back up generator shutting down twice. When she and Bailey had finally got back the Hospital had looked like a war zone. And now Arizona seemed to be shutting down on her.
The silence not broken again till both were safely ensconced in the Room.
"Lie down, get some sleep....I know you're upset about losing our home and...but it's just stuff , I'm okay and you're okay and Sofia's okay...that's what...we are okay." She patted the space beside her on the Kingsize Bed as she finished.
"We're not okay." Arizona sounded like she was talking to a stranger then after a minute, "I booked the room earlier..."
"Ok, good thinking batman!" Callie retorted with a nervous giggle.
"I didnt want to do it in the Hospital, our Hospital, I didnt want to cheat on you there."
"What?" She had heard the words but they made no sense. None.
"I was here earlier with Lauren." Arizona's words were delivered in monotone,yet mistaking the confusion on Callies face, tried to clear it up "Lauren Boswell... Dr.Boswell." She nodded with that little bob of her head that Callie thought was so cute. Used to emphasise when she was even more right than normal.
"What?"
Seeing realisation finally dawning on her wife's face, seeing the devastation following in its wake, shook her from the robotic trance.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry"
"No! You wouldn't...no, Arizona you would never... I know you, you....NO!" Callies voice began confidently, intended in a desperate plea.
"You don't. You don't know me. Damn it, I don't know me, not anymore... I don't know who I am or...where I'm going,I ..."
"You are my wife, damn it, my wife!!!! The woman I married , the woman, I took vows with , you ..."
"But I'm not!!! I'm not her, don't you get it? That Arizona would never, could never imagine touching another woman. Would never....cheat..." Shaking her head in shame at the last word.
"You are her and...this is a Joke right? A sick, ill judged joke cause you're tired and..."
"No! She died. She died out there, don't you get it. She wouldn't have ever blamed you, hated on you, abandoned Sofia for months she was a good man in a storm, a good person, she protected the people she loved. She loved you more than anything in the world. She was good and she loved you,the moment she saw you she never even noticed another woman again."
Why couldn't Callie understand? Her wife was dead, she was a widow, had been ever since that damned plane...and she, Arizona Robbins was ...an empty void.
"You, Arizona, you love me.. You are the same ..... We, we can.... " it was too much, too much to bear, the pain where her heart had been till moments before, ripped out without mercy by her wife's words but... she couldnt, she just, they had fought too hard,come through so much ".. we,We can sort this out." The words made her nauseous. Words she never thoughts she'd say again "I forgive you, okay, it was just this one time, right?" She tamped down the hysteria bubbling in her throat.
"No."
"But, she's only been here a few days, how...."
"I can't forgive me, I can't forgive any of this." She shook her head furiously, "I had a plan, I knew where I going....then I met you and... Everything changed , and that was great but....somewhere along the line I lost some of me, and that was ok cause I had you and you were all I needed forever..." she took a deep breath, words tumbling from the deep recesses of her brain now, "But then the crash happened and the rest of me was lost too. And.....I ,I thought things were better, I told myself it was ok cause I had you and you were all I needed, wanted. That having you was worth it all, all the sacrifices. Losing my leg, losing myself, it was worth it....."
Pain, that's all she could see on her beautiful wife's face, pain and confusion. Put there by her. Arizona had never hated herself more...and she wasn't even done yet, "...then I met her, the first minute I....she flirted and God it felt good, l got butterflies when she smiled at me and... God I haven't noticed anyone else since I met you...and she made me feel the way I felt when I first met you. She made me feel like me and and she wanted me and God it felt good."
"I wanted you, you are all I want!" Anger mixed with begging made Callie shrill.
"I tried to, not..but it was like I was so drawn to her, like I couldn't stop...the woman you married would never have....I knew it was wrong and..."
"No! Don't do that. Let yourself off the hook, saying that you died on that mountain as an excuse to sleep with every slut who bats her eyes at you..."
It came as a shock, when she felt the painful whip across her face...it took seconds till she registered that it was Callie's hand, the hand Callie was now holding as if it hurt.
"Why? If you knew it was wrong why did you do it?" Now it was Callies voice that seemed devoid of emotion
"She said I was pretty, and sexy . She knew about my leg a-and she still wanted me! She didn't have to, she wanted me, this me, not a version of me that doesn't exist anymore, Me! She didn't want me out of obligation or pity or guilt she just wanted me. And she reminded me of me, the me before."
"Before...?" The shrillness had disappeared, replaced by despair, "What part of that didn't you get from me? Arizona, Huh? I could not have been more supportive I could not have... "Callie shook her head, if she shook it hard enough maybe she would wake up from this nightmare.
"I'm sorry." The words barely audible.
"Was she worth it? Was it worth destroying your family for? Destroying your wife? For what? A-a quick fumble under the sheets. Did you make her scream your name? The way I scream...screamed, the way I.... make you..."
"Calliope, don't..."
"No! Don't you dare call me that..."
"I didn't ..."
"What? Tell me what you did, exactly..." Only if she heard the details, only then could she believe, believe that her wife could do this. Her beautiful honourable wife.
Arizona shook her head.
"We were happy, I thought we were happy, how could you do this to us? To me, to Sofia?"
Arizona shook her head. How could she explain, how could she tell the woman she adored that she wasn't happy, hadn't been happy...hadn't even known she wasn't happy until...
"Nothing."
"What?"
"I came here to sleep with her, I wanted to ....I..." Arizona shook her head. One week ago she could not have imagined being here, on the precipice, losing everything, jumping off, "... She kissed me in the Scrub room, I didn't respond to it, then she said we should go somewhere private..." She could hear Callie sobbing now, as if only now she believed it.
" I booked this room. I did that. I chose that. I took control."
Callie stared at her wife now, through her tears. Seeing her, maybe for the first time in months, really seeing her. Her wife needing to be in control. She could hear past fears, fears of what might come round the corner. Her need to protect, to be prepared for the next disaster. The fights over the Hospital, the "we can go anywhere", the"lets buys a house" and she heard her own words too. Negating her fears, her "I don't want to live like that", her pushing to buy the Hospital, her rejecting the need to move... Her needs, her cartilage research, her plan, Sofia... Had she done this? Had she pushed her wife to this. Had she so emasculated her wife that this was the only way she could regain Control?
" No, no NO," she wasn't letting her off the hook, maybe she had brushed their problems under the carpet but there was no excuse.. For this...for touching another woman, for... she suppressed a heave "...Arizona." And the floodgates opened because there was no pain comparable to this.
Arizona Robbins had never imagined she could experience this much pain from inflicting it on another. It was as if a surgeon could feel the pain as her scalpel cut deep into the flesh of her conscious patient.
"I left."
"What?"
"I couldn't do it, we were here, just like we are now...but I couldn't...I couldn't end us like that."
" You, you didn't sleep with her?" Callie tried desperately not to show hope.
"No."
And there it was, a glimmer of hope.
"You kissed her, that's all?"
Arizona nodded again, then shaking her head then as she silently mouthed a repeated apology. " I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry."
" You were tempted and you kissed her but then you resisted, right? You changed your mind?" This time the hope in Callie's voice was clear. It didn't make it right, it didn't mean they were good but... it meant, they were still... there was still a they.
" I couldn't end us like that, you deserve so much more than that." The flat monotone of earlier replace now by all the emotions.
"Stop saying that! We are not going to end, you didn't.... You were tempted and that's okay but you... The storm came and in the end you were a good man and... We will get through this and..."
"I should move out..." She paused, remembering the storm, the explosion, the fact that there was nothing to move out of..."...I will always love you, Calliope Torres."
"No, you... We will... We can go to counselling, we can get through this..."
Arizona shook her head.
And they stared in silence, tears streaming down both faces now.
Could it be over? Truly? After everything they had gone through, despite all the love they both could feel. Callie could still feel the love emanating in waves from her wife even as she broke the silence , shaking her head even as she said "...I will never stop loving you, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
One loud sob, stifled by her hand was Callies response and then, as if an afterthought "me too, me too."
There would be time for anger, for questions, for fights, now there was just intolerable grief....confusion.
"Sofia?" Callie could barely hear the one whispered word.
"Please let me still be her Mama, please don't take her away from me?"
Throughout the blanket of fog and unreality of the last year; as she felt more and more of her true self disappear Sofia had been the one thing she'd not wavered on. She didnt know how she could live without her wife, even as she chose to end their marriage. But she knew that she could not live without her daughter.
It was then it became real, to Callie, truly real. This was happening, the why or how was not important, their love somehow was not enough.
They were ending, right here,right now. In a Hotel bedroom, in the calm after the storm.
She didnt answer her wife, there was no answer, she didnt know the answer.