And a day 1 / 1
Title: And a day 1/1
Author: Neolithicdream
Pairing: Callie / Arizona
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It started with a goodnight kiss, then intensified and then...
It was just a night, nothing special. Just another night , like many nights before. And, like many recent nights what started out as a goodnight kiss had quickly morphed to making out and now to this. Heavy breathing,interspersed with low moans filled the air. As hands caressed bodies, first over then under night shirts, the moans increased. Those from the blonde just a fraction louder. Obliterating all thoughts of the past and the future; emphasizing only the now.
Drowning out all coherent concerns, all justified caution. Patience out done by need. An all consuming physical need. Desire long unfulfilled, now the catalyst for amnesia. All pain forgotten,all fear set aside. All that mattered was the kiss; tongues gliding across each other, exploring willing mouths. All that mattered was the touch; hands outlining muscles, squeezing breasts, nipples. Months of pent-up passion manifesting in a cacophony of gasps and guttural groans.
Callie moved to part cover her wife as Arizona dragged her the rest of the way. Callie's thigh resting almost unnoticed now against Arizona's right knee. Maybe it was the lack of usual friction against a no longer present left knee that caused no alarm to sound. Maybe it was the pleasurable sounds Callie made as she cupped a pale breast that masked the sound of the warning bells. Or maybe, just maybe sirens screeched but nine months of celibacy drowned them out.
Whichever was true, one moment Arizona was lost in the throes of desire, the next....
"...s-st..stop, please....." passion progressing to panic "...Callie ...pl..please stop!" Heavy breathing rapidly changing to hyperventilation as she pushed Callie none too gently off of her.
"Damnit!" the whispered word involuntarily escaping from Callie through clenched teeth, accompanied by a frustrated sigh. Callie lay there, as if frozen by the sudden drop in temperature,desperately trying to quench the flames. Oblivious to everything but the need to douse her raging need. Unfulfilled. Again.
Trying, failing.
Arizona lay beside her, eyes shut tight trying to hold back the tears that burned behind eyelids. Trying to stifle the sob that rose in her throat at the sound of Callie's muttered curse and exhaled sigh.
Trying, failing.
The few inches between them could be measured in miles. And it was her fault. She knew that. The tears scorched a trail down her cheeks as she attempted to explain, to apologize, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Calliope, it's not you..." She paused, attempting to swallow the lump in her throat, "...you know that, right? Please tell me you know that 'cause...it's me. It's all me,I..I'm..."
The tone as much as the words brought Callie's mind rushing back to the present, "Don't...Honey, it's ok..." turning to lie on her side to face her wife, to offer comfort, assurance that it would be ok, that everything would be ok.
Because it would. Eventually. It had to be.
"It's not okay though, it's not!" Her anxiety level increasing with every syllable uttered. "There's something wrong with me..."
"Arizona, there's nothing wrong with you,it's normal..." as she spoke she reached out to stroke Arizona's arm but her target squirmed away.
"It's not normal!" how can it be normal?" her blonde hair tumbled haphazardly around her face as she struggled to rise, turning as she did, away from Callie,until her leg hung over the side of the bed. "I have the most beautiful woman in the world in my bed and she wants to make love to me..." she shook her head furiously "...to me ... And I can't..." The repeated words spat out in a mixture of disbelief and self-loathing, the references to herself dripping with disgust.
In those early months, when every word was cloaked in hate, every look full of disdain, Callie thought nothing could hurt her more. She was wrong. Hearing, seeing those same emotions, again but now directed inward, that hurt so much more.
"Honey...you..." Callie wanted nothing more than to hold her wife and make all the hurt go away, but she knew that's not how it worked. Arizona had to get there by herself, "... you've seen the literature and read other amputees testimonies ...you know it takes time to heal and..." she shook her head,her own guilt rising,knowing full well that at times she too had lacked the patience, the empathy.
Arizona replied despairingly, "Years, Callie, for some people it's years, I can't, you can't wait..."
"It's not going to be y...we...I can..." Callie stuttered in reply, lost for the right words. Instead she just reached forward and laid a hand on the small of her wife's back and this time Arizona did not flinch away.
"...and for some people it's never, Callie, never!" She shook her head in defeat, then reaching forward for her prosthesis, fell into silence.
"What are you doing? Where are you..."
"I'm going to check on Sofia..." Arizona's voice was subdued,a whisper.
"Wh - what? She's fine, you don't.."
"...and I need to check on this article in JAMA..."
"In the middle of the night?" Callie asked in bewilderment.
"...I have a surgery tomorrow ..." she petered off "... I'll be a while, so you can..." She wanted to give Callie the time, the space to...she just didn't want to be a witness, not when she could no longer be a participant.
The truth dawned slowly on her wife.
"You, you want me too..." Callie swallowed thickly, "...take care of myself?"
The affirmative came by way of silence, though she could see in the half-light Arizona's jaw flex.
Now it was her turn to sit up, scooching over to sit behind her wife, embracing her in a tight grip round slumped shoulders.
"Take your leg off, and get back in bed." she murmured softly in Arizona's right ear.
"Callie, I..."
The interruption was both gentle and firm, " Now."
She did as she was bid,returning the prosthesis to it's usual spot by the nightstand and laying down on her side, facing the door. Callie pulled her back towards her till she fit perfectly against Callie's front.
Several moments passed before she spoke.
"I can't expect you to...you cant wait forever, Calliope.." as a fresh tear fell from cheek to neck.
Callie's response was to pull her tighter still, till no space at all existed between them, almost as if there was no place where one ended and the other began, as if there was only them.
"Yes, I can wait..." Callie lay her head on her wife's shoulder, squeezing their now interlinked hands, "...I can wait for you forever... forever and a day."