Lucky (Ice cream pt.1)
TITLE: Lucky
AUTHOR: Neolithicdream
PAIRING: Callie & Arizona
RATING: PG 13
SUMMARY: Just 3 moments in time post Crash and Amputation. First is within a year of Plane Crash, the second approximately 18 months after Crash, the third approximately 3 years of it. Sometimes you just are lucky. (This was conceived and written before either 9.08 or 9.09)
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Calzona or any of the characters mentioned in this fic. They are the property of Shonda Rhimes/ ABC etc... This fic is purely written for enjoyment and without intent or prospect of profit. No copyright infringement intended.
A/N: Kudos as always to propgirl1who deals with the mayhem. And for not running for the hills when I told her about the cows!
A/N 2: I promise my New Year’s resolution will be to finish all outstanding fics and never to start one until rest are done L
Ice-cream (set within a year of the crash)
Things were better, much better. Not perfect, perhaps not even great, but better. Much better. And each day they were just a fraction better again, inching slowly but, they both hoped, surely back to where they once were.
Maybe they would never get there exactly, but then maybe, just maybe, where they did get to would be even better.
Sofia was engrossed with tonight's Episode of American X Factor, singing along with all the songs, complete lack of words and melody being no obstacle. She and Callie sat in companionable silence on the couch, as often these days their conversation a little stilted except when put at ease by their daughters antics.
“Th - that judge, she looks so familiar!"
"Which one? Britney?"
"No, the other one, Callie..." her tone one of mild annoyance "... even I know Britney."
"Oh you mean Demi Lovato?"
" Yeah, she is like the spitting image of a patient I had once, years ago, with Karev...." she remembered the teenage girl vividly; back at a time when she and Callie seemed even more hopeless than now "... long time ago."
"Oh, ok."
As they sat in silence Callie wondered if they would ever recover it, the free and easy banter that used to characterize them.
After it came to an end and after Sofia refused to go to bed just yet, they put on The Jungle Book - her favorite movie this week. In truth it was easier with Sofia in the room; when she was gone, when it was just the two of them, an oppressive silence often descended. Even if they were sitting beside each other, holding hands; even after all the tear- filled apologies from both women. For failing to save a leg, for making an impossible decision - for failing to forgive, for being impossible. For crying too long, for causing the other to cry.
It was getting better. It was but it was slow.
Love was not in doubt; it was still there, beating strongly. But so was fear and inadequacy. Sitting there on the couch, wedged between them along with longing and desire. Resentment and anger had recently vacated their seats but they still hovered nearby.
"Calliope, I need to ask you something and you have to promise not to get mad."
Callie heard the trepidation in her voice, but she also heard the Calliope and her heart fluttered just a little.
It was one of those questions. Needing to be asked, dreading the answer. Arizona wondered if it would be the straw that broke her already fractured heart.
“We haven't had..." she paused, their daughter mere feet away "...I mean, you and me, we haven't been...been together for a long time, not since before...." she faltered, not sure she really wanted to know.
"Are you talking about, are we...do you mean..."Callie could barely breathe, the fact that they were actually, maybe, having a conversation about this was...well it was...just wow "...sex." The last word came out like a high pitched squeal.
Sofia turned to stare, they both responded with the fakest of broad smiles, then when she returned her attention to the screen. Arizona hissed through clenched teeth "Ssssssshhhhhh! Elephant ears and mouth like a parrot."
"Arizona she doesn't know the meaning, she..."
"Oh well fine when she's singing about it in Daycare on Monday that'll be ok then."
"Ok call it something else then." Callie whispered back.
Arizona took a deep breath, trying in vain to compose herself. Watching Sofia sing along with the movie as the monkeys swung between the trees.
"Ok so we, I, what I wanted to ask you about was..." she searched her brain for a euphemism, eyes falling on the TV once again "... Swinging."
"Excuse me?" this time the squeal was even louder.
Sofia turned her head once more, shaking her head, even going so far as shushing her Mami before returning once more to Mowgli and Co.
It took a second before Arizona realized exactly what she had said.
"Oh, no NO! That's not...God, No!" This time it was her Mama that Sofia shushed.
The tension in the air lifted just an isobar or two as Arizona blushed sheepishly.
"Just say what's on your mind, honey?" Callie could feel her heart beating faster, was Arizona saying she was ready? “But maybe with a better choice of word this time."
Her eyes fell on Sofia’s empty dessert bowl.
"Ice-cream. We haven't had ice-cream in, in a long time. “Arizona shook her head.”A long, long time."
Callie suppressed her smile. She knew just how long it had been, could have told Arizona exactly how long in months ,weeks, days, down to hours."
"And, and..." she stuttered "....we used to have a lot of ice-cream, me and you, really great ice-cream."
"The best, honey, the best."
"I enjoyed...loved ice-cream and..."Arizona stuttered “...and so did, so do you."
Callie felt like she hadn't breathed in days. Was Arizona saying what she hoped she was saying?
“But I haven't been able to, to eat ice-cream since...." there was no need to say why "...or even imagine wanting to...eat...it." Arizona was beginning to rethink the wisdom of her choice of euphemism but she ploughed on regardless.
"...but now I need to..."
Oh God, Callie thought, this was it, Arizona was going to say she wanted to have sex with her and then Callie was going to spontaneously combust with desire.
"...I need to know, because you have been able to...if you wanted to...have, to eat ...so what I'm asking..."
Callie began to get a bad feeling.
"...is have you..." every word was a struggle to get out "...eaten ice-cream?"
There was a silence while Callie interpreted the words. What was she asking? Had she relieved herself to take the edge off from time to time? Or....oh God that wasn't what she was asking, was it? She felt her cheeks flush, her b.p rise, her pulse race. She bit down on the rising emotion.
“Do you mean, are you asking me if I...are you asking me if I ate ice-cream with other people?" Her voice was as even as a well ironed shirt.
Arizona's eyes were to the floor now, as if enthralled by an invisible piece of fluff. She didn't want Callie to see the hurt, when she told her, because it was understandable and somehow she would have to forgive. Have to fight the desire to scream and shout and scratch and hit.
So she repeated her question softly, keeping the tremor to a minimum. “Did you?"
She felt as if her wife had plunged a dagger into her heart, then pulling it out spat venom into the hole it had left. How could she think...? How dare she? She didn't want to look at her, didn't want to speak to her. Wanted to slap her across the face for even thinking...how little the opinion she had of her after all. For all her fine words, this is what she thought of her.
And then she was standing, grabbing a warm coat, car keys, a wallet, she needed to be gone, could not stay now.
"W- wh- where are you going? It's late, it's dark, where, where are you go...Callie?" She was begging now, begging her not to leave. She could see the fury in her wife's face, the darkness in her eyes.
Callie just shook her head "You, you are...are unbelievable."
She was at the door when Arizona begged again “C- Calliope, please don't..."
"I'm going for a drive...” she practically spat back "... Maybe I'll even go get myself some ice-cream, how about that!"
Sofia didn't turn around until the sound of the door slamming reverberated through the room.
"Mami mad, mama?" as she abandoned her movie to climb onto Arizona's lap.
"....not at you baby girl, Mami not mad at you."
Sofia stared at her with her Mami's big brown eyes "Mami get icy cweam?" Arizona held her tight as she rocked back and forth, tears streaming down her face, silently praying that she would not.
Sofia had fallen asleep in her arms, draped across her chest like a comfort blanket. She had nonetheless managed to get her prosthetic on, and stand up all without waking the two year old. Kissed her goodnight, tucked her in, with Kermit the Frog on one side and Elmo on the other side in her new 'big girl' bed.
Then she sat and waited. Waited for Callie to return. Just waited.
She cried some too, during the waiting. Thinking how good it used to be, how much better it had been getting. Until she blew it. Letting her pride get in the way. Callie hadn't answered her silence answer enough.
She didn't need to know. She didn't. It didn't matter because Callie had stayed.
She didn't want to know. She didn't. So what if Callie had strayed.
She had given Arizona nothing but love and got simply nothing in return.
They had survived sorbets, they would survive ice-cream.
Or so Arizona prayed.