(no subject)
I feel sick today. Not physically sick, but deeply sick in the pit of my stomach, in every nerve ending, through every bone. I'm afraid I'm going to end up alone so soon, when all I want right now is to be with someone. I don't necessarily mean a relationship of boyfriend, mate, what have you. I just mean alone. Again.
Most of the time, should this feeling arise, it's nothing more than a quick thought, an instant come and gone. I can distract myself from it with things that need done, or the realization that I'm really not alone, even if it's only here and there that I'm able to see people I care about. That's changing. One is leaving near the end of this week, as far as I know. The other may be leaving at the end of this month. One I'm pretty sure is already gone. The other has the option to go, and nothing here to hold them but me.
Why am I being so selfish? Maybe it's best I swallow everything, steel up again, and let everyone move to where they can have better opportunities, a better environment. It's not even my decision to make in the end. It's not...I don't even know. I'm tired, confused, and this all hurts with a sharpness I can remember. I don't know if I can bring the walls back up here if I end up alone. I honestly don't know if I'm strong enough this time. I just want, right now, to hold and be held so for a few moments, the shit all falls away again.
Most of the time, should this feeling arise, it's nothing more than a quick thought, an instant come and gone. I can distract myself from it with things that need done, or the realization that I'm really not alone, even if it's only here and there that I'm able to see people I care about. That's changing. One is leaving near the end of this week, as far as I know. The other may be leaving at the end of this month. One I'm pretty sure is already gone. The other has the option to go, and nothing here to hold them but me.
Why am I being so selfish? Maybe it's best I swallow everything, steel up again, and let everyone move to where they can have better opportunities, a better environment. It's not even my decision to make in the end. It's not...I don't even know. I'm tired, confused, and this all hurts with a sharpness I can remember. I don't know if I can bring the walls back up here if I end up alone. I honestly don't know if I'm strong enough this time. I just want, right now, to hold and be held so for a few moments, the shit all falls away again.