Woah
Strange how fast life has been moving lately. Ever since I moved out it seems like things just won't stand still. Everyday its get up, go to work, come home, sleep. Simplicity. Mediocrity. I'm ecstatic with the simple pleasures of my life these days.
Looking back on the past few years, I've always felt depressed and introverted on my birthdays. regretting the year that passed, fearing the year to come. I guess life in general scared me, then, before I got the balls to go out and live it. It's too easy to be a shut in your whole life, not going out because you're afraid of the outside world. I really don't know what I was afraid of back then, being unable to move out on my own, get away from the home I grew up in. Albeit I didn't make that much of a journey, as I now live only about a mile from my old house, but all the better this way, that I can still see my grandma and visit the house.
I've been going over there for dinner every Sunday, checking up with them, talking. It's become another in a long list of routines in my life that I couldn't be happier to have. Where some might call it boring or old, I like this. I like waking up to breakfast with Meghan every morning. I like having a boyfriend who knows me and who I can see everyday. As crazy as it sounds, I like paying bills, cause it makes me feel like I'm working for something, instead of just blowing my money on worthless junk I don't really need.
Though on that note, I'm secretly dieing to go shopping ^^;
I'll be twenty in a week. The official end to my teen years. And with how my life has been turning around lately, it really does feel like an end to something. My teen years were filled with angst and tears, with drinking and countless, barely remembered nights alone with a bottle in my hand and unspoken words in my heart. It's like I tried to cram all the drama of my missed out high school years into the gap between seventeen and twenty.
This passing summer changed my life and the way it was going in more ways than one, ending some curses and giving life to new fears. I think I've grown up more in just these past three years than I have in the entirety of my life. No, I can't go back to being irresponsible and young, being able to stay up till sunrise or spend all my money on video games. It feels good, being able to say that I live in a house I pay for, I eat food I bought, I drive a car on my own money.
It's all so ... Adult. So un-Amber. Having a bank account, balancing my money, grocery shopping, coupon clipping ... it's a stage in my life I could never see myself having the strength to handle. Normally, so close to my birthday, I'd be filled with regrets. With fears.
But this year, I feel good. I can truly say that I lead a blessed existance, that I'm lucky everything I do. Maybe this is what growing up is. Maybe it's realizing what you have, instead of lamenting what you don't.
Mike says he has something special planned for my birthday. Something that will make me not hate my birthdays anymore. I don't know what to think about it. Ater all, I already don't hate my life anymore, so whats one day going to matter?
I just can't help but thinking ... This is it. This is what happiness feels like. This is what it's like to live happily. To not just settle at being content, or live with being alone. Of course things aren't perfect. Of course it seems like there's never enough money to get what I need, or that the bills don't seem to stop coming, or that management at work can be idiots ... But it's all simple. it's all mundane. It's not enough to steal my smile.
This will be the first birthday in my life that I can honestly say I'm happy.
That's right guys, I'm actually done bitching.
Looking back on the past few years, I've always felt depressed and introverted on my birthdays. regretting the year that passed, fearing the year to come. I guess life in general scared me, then, before I got the balls to go out and live it. It's too easy to be a shut in your whole life, not going out because you're afraid of the outside world. I really don't know what I was afraid of back then, being unable to move out on my own, get away from the home I grew up in. Albeit I didn't make that much of a journey, as I now live only about a mile from my old house, but all the better this way, that I can still see my grandma and visit the house.
I've been going over there for dinner every Sunday, checking up with them, talking. It's become another in a long list of routines in my life that I couldn't be happier to have. Where some might call it boring or old, I like this. I like waking up to breakfast with Meghan every morning. I like having a boyfriend who knows me and who I can see everyday. As crazy as it sounds, I like paying bills, cause it makes me feel like I'm working for something, instead of just blowing my money on worthless junk I don't really need.
Though on that note, I'm secretly dieing to go shopping ^^;
I'll be twenty in a week. The official end to my teen years. And with how my life has been turning around lately, it really does feel like an end to something. My teen years were filled with angst and tears, with drinking and countless, barely remembered nights alone with a bottle in my hand and unspoken words in my heart. It's like I tried to cram all the drama of my missed out high school years into the gap between seventeen and twenty.
This passing summer changed my life and the way it was going in more ways than one, ending some curses and giving life to new fears. I think I've grown up more in just these past three years than I have in the entirety of my life. No, I can't go back to being irresponsible and young, being able to stay up till sunrise or spend all my money on video games. It feels good, being able to say that I live in a house I pay for, I eat food I bought, I drive a car on my own money.
It's all so ... Adult. So un-Amber. Having a bank account, balancing my money, grocery shopping, coupon clipping ... it's a stage in my life I could never see myself having the strength to handle. Normally, so close to my birthday, I'd be filled with regrets. With fears.
But this year, I feel good. I can truly say that I lead a blessed existance, that I'm lucky everything I do. Maybe this is what growing up is. Maybe it's realizing what you have, instead of lamenting what you don't.
Mike says he has something special planned for my birthday. Something that will make me not hate my birthdays anymore. I don't know what to think about it. Ater all, I already don't hate my life anymore, so whats one day going to matter?
I just can't help but thinking ... This is it. This is what happiness feels like. This is what it's like to live happily. To not just settle at being content, or live with being alone. Of course things aren't perfect. Of course it seems like there's never enough money to get what I need, or that the bills don't seem to stop coming, or that management at work can be idiots ... But it's all simple. it's all mundane. It's not enough to steal my smile.
This will be the first birthday in my life that I can honestly say I'm happy.
That's right guys, I'm actually done bitching.